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Le Chemin

by Em16

It was warm and I was excited to climb the mountain because I felt the sun on my skin and it felt like the hands of my mother when she braided my hair in the morning and the trees looked like the trees I saw in church in December and that made me think that God was there and if I walked among the trees maybe I would see an angel in the shape of a moose and maybe I could even bring back a feather from an angel’s wings but all the signs said don’t step of the path preserve the wildlife please stay on the path so I stayed on the path but I was disappointed because the path was dusty and flat and boring and the flowers and trees and ponds around me sparkled like gems yet I could not touch them. Then we stopped at a clearing and next to it there was a tiny trail, just small enough that my child’s feet could fit, and I felt like I was floating in the clouds because all the flowers pinkgreenyellowredpurple were gathered around me and I was still small enough that the stems of the wildflowers reached my waist and I was happy and even more happy when my mother looked over and asked what are you doing her sternness just made me smile because I knew what she didn’t and I pointed below me to the flat earth and said I’m on a path, Mom, and then she came closer and said you’re on a path and so I kept walking for a while and I saw ahead of me was a small pond and evergreen trees I wondered how far this little path went and where I would end up if I kept going going going but my mother called me back because everyone was ready to start walking again my cousin holding an empty bag of goldfish and my aunt talking with my uncle about Amazon trucks monopolies in engineering and my mother patted me on the head and gave me a bottle of water but I didn’t drink I wasn’t thirsty I was full. Full of beauty full of nature and I said let’s keep going I want to see a bear.

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266 Reviews

Points: 2285
Reviews: 266

Sat Feb 27, 2021 7:38 am
silented1 wrote a review...

This is unrefined and so good at some points. It's simple. I liked the angel in the shape of a moose. You could do better to make it less repetitive. I guess it's from the time of being a child, so your language works there. Try to make more ideas like the angel as a moose. Or that God was there. Those are good lines, and they are simple and powerful. When talking about the flowers your language fails. You should say something childish, but intelligent. Like, I was floating in the clouds, down to the flowers around me.

Your I'm on a path mom line part is good too, it's simple and intelligent, aim for stuff like that.

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1215 Reviews

Points: 10822
Reviews: 1215

Thu Feb 25, 2021 4:08 pm
Elinor wrote a review...

Hey Em16!

Thanks for submitting your story. As someone who enjoys nature and hiking, I was excited to read it. I'm not sure if you meant to put this in poetry? If you contact an active mod, they'll be able to move it for you. This would be a lot easier to read if it weren't in one paragraph, and highly suggest breaking it up.

The other thing I didn't notice until I copied your story into another document that this appears to be two run on sentences. While it I get that you were going for a stream of consciousness, I would still try and rewrite it so this isn't the case.

I like a lot of your imagery, and think it would be best served by your reader best being able to follow along the thoughts of you/the narrator.

Hope this helps! Feel free to ping me if you have any questions.

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19 Reviews

Points: 2051
Reviews: 19

Wed Feb 24, 2021 2:15 am
Spearmint wrote a review...

Hi, Spearmint here for a review! Honestly, I have to say it was a pleasure to read this— intentional or not, some parts struck me as rather funny (like the part about being disappointed about having to stay on the boring path (I can totally relate, it seems like the whole point of hiking should be adventuring, right? But I guess we do have to protect the wildlife :p)). Also I thought the description of the flowers was clever, with the words running into each other (“pinkgreenyellowredpurple”), implying that the colors were all mixed together. And although at first the dense block of text sort of intimidated me, I’m glad I decided to read this!

One suggestion I have is to maybe think of some more creative similes. For example, “sparkled like gems” is pretty common, but “sparkled like stained glass” isn’t. (Sorry that was a pretty bad example (does stained glass even sparkle?)) So, yeah, I know it can be hard to come up with original similes and metaphors, but if you do, it’ll elevate your writing (and you’ll gain my eternal respect lol).

Overall it was fun to read this (stream of consciousness is pretty cool) and I look forward to reading your other works! :D

There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker