Note: Yes, I am still continuing Forbidden Shadows; I just got bored in study hall at school and wrote my heart out. And out popped a new chapter of a new series. Enjoy!
"Girls, get over here!"
Obediently, Charity and Faith came into the room with their father. Nothing more. They simply stood as far away from their "dad" as they could.
"I suppose I don't need to explain what we're doing," Chris said awkwardly to his daughters.
The girls, these extraordinary girls, are literally Mind-readers. It is unsure how, in their family bloodline, the girls were born as Others. The entire family was composed of Normals.
In the world this is, Others can be Mind-readers (the rarest; the two girls could possibly be the only ones left), Shape-shifters (the second hardest to find), Minds (third rarest, and extremely smart; ever heard of a six-year-old who knows after-college-level algebra?), and Gliders (the most common).
The girls just stared at their father.
"Come on, let's go," Chris demanded. The girls silently went to get ready.
Charity, a small 7-year-old girl with long, golden strands of hair, silently dressed herself. Faith, a mirror image of her sister yet with dark almond hair, dressed as well. They both wore maid's outfits - knee-length brown cloth dresses with little white aprons and Mary-Sue shoes. This was the only kind of dress the family could afford.
Once ready, the dad ushered the Others through seemingly ceaseless rain. They walked, no car to drive in, no horses to ride on, no wagon to use. At last, the soaking trio made it.
Charity sighed as she stepped into a sloshing puddle of mud, sucking at her heels as she lifted her foot. Faith abruptly stopped until her sister could walk emotionlessly beside her.
Slurred rain did not pound down but instead blanketed the land in moisture. There they stood in the showering blankets, in a damp, cold, grey field. And there it was.
Their mother's grave.
The father stood nearby, awaiting some type of reunion between his daughters and his former wife's grave. Tears, smiles, hugs to the gravestone... but none of any of that came. Charity and Faith stared through the blanket-rain to the slick gravestone, illuminated with moonlight. And slowly, they turned their backs and started walking to their home. No, not home, "house." It would never be a proper home.
Even without looking at him, both 7-year-olds sensed their father's extremely confused thoughts. They loved their mother... What is this nonsense? Without a single word, both girls started running.
Running.
Running.
No tears. No voices.
Just running.
End of chapter
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140,733 Literary Works • 673,683 Reviews
Hey Em! Dogs here and I am here to review!!! Not many nitpicks I saw, but there might be a few that I missed, but everybody does it, no need to hide it because it's not a secret.
I thought you had great grammar. And everything was perfect... *Note... No one is perfect* xD! So....
I really liked this and can't wait to read chapter 2!!!
keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs...
P.S. *Maybe we can play tomorrow*
Thank you! *I hope we can*
Hey, can you play today! I probably can?
I have a bit of bad allergies but if my mom says yes then it's possible.
I really this story! It was a really great start to a new book, and I especially like the ending. It was mysterious, and i always love mysterys! I li,Ed that you gave out the important information, but you said it all in a bit of a rush at the beginning, so maybe keep the same info, but spread it out more. Another way you could give out the info is to not explain it. You just add it in subtly, and like it's just a normal everyday thing.
Anyway, I can't wait to see more of this!
Keep it up!
~Fire
Thanks for the review!
Hello, here to review!
Ok, wow, this is off to a great start. I found no errors- of course, since you're a great writer. I also wanted to say this reminded a little of The Unwanteds, if you've read it. To me, this would be the kind of book I'd recommend. I love how you made the words pull your readers in. I like the whole "Normals" and "Others" concept. So, really, not many errors or anything happened here as I said before. I'm excited to read your next chapter of this new series!
- Sunset101:)
Thank you very, very much! No, I haven't read The Unwanteds, but I love suggestions from fellow readers and I'll check it out! Sounds like a good read!
Hey there! I really loved this piece. Seems like an interesting, unique piece and I'd love to see more of it. When I started reading, I thought it would drag on forever. Well, you totally proved me wrong. It caught my attention, pulling me into the story. The idea is really good, and you definitely have skills.
One thing I do agree on is what Flite stated. Info dump. I feel like it would be better to remove the paragraph or at least a few sentences about the Others. Sure, it would leave the reader confused on how they could sense their father's exact thoughts, but that would also keep the reader interesting.
Rather than that, it was really good. I love the ending, so abrupt. Well done!
~Prez. T
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!
I will be revising and editing this soon and I'll be taking most suggestions! Thank you for the advice!
Heyo Em! Happy review day! Flite here for a review!
A little disclaimer before I start, I'm typing this on my tablet and the autocorrect function has disappeared, I apologize for any spelling mistakes. This is going to be a short review because I'm going to focus in three points your story have, and should aim to fix.
1) Info dump, info dump, info dump. This is what your story screamed out when I started. From the moment you wrote that they were mind readers, I groaned, not because of the plot but because of of how you portrayed it. Don't tell us that they are mind readers, show us how, and ease into that information, one mminute I was reading and the next, WHAM, I'm told they're mind readers. My mind is still reeling with that information because there was no foreshadowing. And I also feel that you could expand on that information a bit more, why are they the only mind readers in this family? The same goes when you introduced Chairty and Faith, don't tell us how old they are and what they wear. Show us through speech and dialogue, through action and give us insight into who they are.
2) Disjounted dialogue.
All the dialogue in this chapter feels rather disconnected to each other, take the opening dialogue for exmaple. Maybe the sisters know where they're going, but the readers don't, you need to either give us some hint. Or expand on it, otherwise it's rather disjointed and cause their entrance to the cemetery rather abrupt as well.
3) Fast pace.
Your pace was very fast here which doesn't allow a lot of time for either the readers to thi or the characters to develop. The road to the cemetery, I feel could have been an excellent chance to shed some insight into the two sisters emotional state, you could have also described what it was like to walk there and give us a better visual image. It seems that their mother had passed away recently, how do they feel about it? The ending was interesting but at the same time, too short. I couldn't get a clear grasp on the sister's thoughts or characters before they started running. I know they're sad, but that's about it. Think about showing us the reason behind their actions, cause and effect.
I like this idea, but it just needs some tweaking. I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have questions please let me know.
-Flite
Thanks so much for the review! I had planned to make it EXTREMELY more detailed but I wrote it in 20 minutes. Plus, when I was copying it over into YWS, I was about to go somewhere. I decided to wait to see what readers thought before I revised it; I wanted to make sure first that I'm making it what the readers want. Anyways, thanks for the tips! Happy review day!
Wow.... just wow.... in a few paragraphs you caught your readers attention and never let go. you gave us insight on this world you crated and how special the main characters are. You also did what every single Disney movie dose and killed off one of the parents
I liked the ending how it was a cliffhanger and it makes the reading excited to continue. I am curious about what this story will lead to as in plots and what could happen to these girls. But that will have to wait I guess.
As for nickpcks I guess I would say is well more confusion is, what time period is this? and why wouldn't the girls love the mother? is this a world you created where people marry for status or arranged rather than love?
Other than that I loved this and I hope you continue this story
~Night
Thank you for the review! Happy review day
Hi there! Zanda for a review!
First of all, I really liked your ending. It really is a cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting more. The writing was interesting, and I love the names "Charity" and "Faith".
One suggestion would just be to keep the world-building a little more sly and not directly tell the reader about all these levels of people. Since this is a novel, you could show that through later chapters and just end at "The entire family was composed of Normals." and then directly skip to "The girls just stared at their father." Again, just a suggestion; I won't be offended if you don't take it.
Overall, very good writing that I'll definitely be keeping my eyes on! Oh yes, must compliment you on the sentence "Slurred rain did not pound down but instead blanketed the land in moisture. There they stood in the showering blankets, in a cold, damp, grey field. And there it was." This sentence is great in how it shows and not tells and leaving the reader wondering what "it" is.
Look forward to reading your other series too!!!
-Zanda
Thanks for the review!!! Happy review day!
Oh your welcome! Happy review day too!