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by ElykAris


"Everything happens for a reason let them be

Don't you feel that their happy can't you see?
I know moving on won't be just as easy
But come on you gotta let yourself be free"

No matter what I think I just can't agree
I see nothing but sadness, I'm not crazy
She's not comfortable with him just trust me
If you are truly her friend ask her what she feels,
You'll know what I can see , Why I feel uneasy , I can feel the degree the pain when with thee ... You'll trust me eventually, I can guarantee


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40 Reviews


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Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:01 pm
Flumadiddle wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! So, lets get started! :D

Reading through this poem, I like it, as I do most other poems. Poems, to me are always one of the best ways to convey emotion. This one though, will speak to many. Others will be able to relate. The title was a good choice as well. In the beginning sentence, after "Everything happens for a reason", try putting the word so. It would then flow better because I, when reading through your poem, noticed that the flow wasn't the best. After "Don't you feel that their happy", put a comma as well as after "just as easy". There are a few more places like this so finding those would be a good idea. So now I am going to give it a shot and see if I can't figure out what this poems meaning is, no?
I am thinking that this poem is talking about a person who's looking at someone they like, knowing they are happy but wanting to be with them. It hurts the person but they want the one they love to be happy. Then again, they know that something isn't right in the others relationship. They know that they don't feel free. That they aren't truly happy. They are asking someone to understand why the feel the way they do and why they know the pain they know.
Anyways, keep up the good work!




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Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:33 pm
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ashpandas wrote a review...



OK so I like the concept but I think it has a lot of errors. A few flow and grammar issues, also I think in some parts you add too many words and that's part of the reason the flow is off. Ok now here are my comments...


"Everything happens for a reason let them be" Add a , after reason.

"Don't you feel that their happy can't you see? But come on you gotta let yourself be free" ( I feel like because of how these two lines are worded it messes with the flow. Maybe reword them?) Also Put a , after happy and maybe take out "but"

"No matter what I think I just can't agree" Add a , after think also maybe take out "just"

Maybe take out "I'm not crazy" I think the flow would be better if you did.

"She's not comfortable with him just trust me" Add a , after him. Also take out "Just"

"If you are truly her friend ask her what she feels" Add a , after friend

"You'll know what I can see " Maybe take out "I can" or change it too " You'll see what I see".... "You'll know what I can see , Why I feel uneasy , I can feel the degree the pain when with thee" I think the flow and wording is kind of odd in this section and should be reworded tbh.


You still did a good job don't get me wrong everyone has to start somewhere. Also I really wish this was longer. I want to know more about the situation. It sounds like a friend that can see another friends pain and they are trying to explain that but no one else can see it yet. Maybe she picked the wrong guy and is in a situation she can't leave? I don't know. But I definitely want to know more. Who is she talking to? Does the friend know that she's not comfortable or is she trying to make them see that? Anyways good luck I hope to see more from you bye for now.




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Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:03 pm
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PenmanshipPriority wrote a review...



Welcome to Young Writers Society!

Overall a pretty good poem, but there are a few issues that I'm going to talk about...

First of all - grammar and punctuation

'Why I feel uneasy' The word 'why' doesn't need a capital letter, but I'm guessing you added that in after a minor spelling error

'their happy' This should be they're (as in they are)

Being as you have gone down the rhyming route on this one, the word 'feels' doesn't rhyme with anything in the second stanza.

Get rid of the 'come on' in the first stanza, this is very casual wording and doesn't really work and probably used it as a filler for the flow.

Also get rid of 'just as' in the first stanza, this then works with my previous correction.

You also have a tendency to not use commas, which you need to change straight away!
Commas are very important in poetry as they change the overall flow of the poem, as well as altering how fast you say the verses.

And that should do it...

Other than those issues I hope you continue to write on here and keep getting better with the feedback given.

If you have any questions/queries about my review or anything else in general, please don't hesitate to contact me (:

GMills
PenmanshipPriorities




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Wed Oct 11, 2017 5:47 pm
Libellule1219 says...



I really liked your poem, really deep.




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Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:24 pm
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Leafpool wrote a review...



Hey there, ElykAris (cool name), it's Leafpool coming at you with a review.
I'm gonna tackle some grammar and punctuation first.
"Everything happens for a reason let them be" There should probably be a comma in between "reason" and "let". "Don't" shouldn't be capitalized considering it's not the beginning of another sentence. "their" should be "they're" (I always get messed up with those two words, don't feel bad, English is just a messed up language). I liked the rythym of the first line (this poem is making my bad day just a little bit better). In the second paragraph I don't see anymore mistakes and it goes along with the first paragraph perfectly.
That's all, Leafpool is out.




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Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:14 pm
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DemonGoddess wrote a review...



Hello ElykAris! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
"Everything happens for a reason let them be
Don't you feel that {they're} happy can't you see?
I know moving on won't be just as easy
But come on you gotta let yourself be free{.}" {I made this into one stanza because that's what it needs to be}

No matter what I think I just can't agree
I see nothing but sadness, I'm not crazy
She's not comfortable with him just trust me
If you are truly her friend ask her what she feels, {This doesn't rhyme with the others words}
You'll know what I can see , {w}hy I feel uneasy ,
I can feel the degree the pain when with thee ...
You'll trust me eventually, I can guarantee{.}


Overall, pretty good, with a few flow issues and grammar problems. I fixed the stanzas so that they'll make more sense, so you need to fix those.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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