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me; noun

by yellow


Disclaimer: This work has been edited and changed because the previous work was a joke. Please enjoy this instead.

me; noun

a monstrosity

of the deep violent end

to wreck all of earth


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Sun Jun 28, 2015 7:49 pm
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Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, CaptainSaltWater! Strange here on this wonderful review day and I have a review for you!

I was halfway through this review the day it was posted until I scrapped it and started anew. I saw you wrote this after a failed joke work, which I'm not very fond of that (I'll go into it later). This is basically a self loathing poem, which I do know quite a bit about, and I felt you didn't do the genre justice.

"me; noun" is a title that just goes with the recent theme of poetry on here. If you look at JKHatt's haiku "Thoughts; pronoun", you can tell he's taking a dig at this. But, wouldn't "me" be something different such as a pronoun? Maybe you could put "Adam" or one of those names you go buy to have a catchier title.

The first line got on my nerves because it is too much self loathing. You call yourself a monstrosity, which is too much. Tip for the future: if you want to have a self loathing heme, don't call yourself crap. Do it subtly. I'm sorry for citing my own poem, but such as "Dead girls." or "Roll over; die." The narrator is hinting at them being crap, but doesn't say "HEY I SUCK HUEHUE". It doesn't roll that way.

This doesn't follow traditional haiku ways, too. Usually you put two ideas next to each other, but this one you just flowed through. Is it really a haiku? Plus, the wording of the first two lines could be much better. It seems that you are saying that the human race is the violent end to wreck all of earth.

Keep writing, and stay groovy!




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Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:43 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Captain! Niteowl here to leave a quick review on this lovely haiku!

First off, I'm pretty sure "me" is a pronoun, and I don't really understand this dictionary-inspired naming trend. But I think leaving it as "noun" kind of works, since the whole poem makes "me" seem like something big and significant, like a true noun.

Now on to the poem: I really like it overall. It evokes how the narrator feels about himself, how he thinks (however rightly or wrongly) he is destined to ruin the earth. Very emotional for seventeen syllables.

My main quibble is with the second line. I like "deep violent end". It makes me think of some big sloshing pool of rage and destruction and there's this big old monster climbing out of it. However, I think "of the" is a little weak and doesn't flow well. The simplest replacement would be "from the deep violent end", but that raises the question: "from the end of what?".

What pops into my head is something like "from Hell's deep violent end". It makes it feel like this thing came from somewhere, like it has a mission. It doesn't have to be Hell--you could play with the wording, but I like the idea of this creature coming from somewhere.

Final grammar note--it looks like you chose not to capitalize as a stylistic choice, which is fine. However, since "earth" and "Earth" have different meanings, I would capitalize it.

Overall, this is a solid haiku, though it could be fine-tuned. Keep writing! :)




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Wed Jun 24, 2015 9:06 pm
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BlueSunset says...



The last line made me laugh :D . Also, I've seen that many people are doing haikus like this. They're really interesting. Huh. :D




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Wed Jun 24, 2015 5:19 pm
Sonder says...



The word "me" is not a verb. >.> Why does your haiku have a similar title as mine?




yellow says...


I don't know...



Sonder says...


I thought maybe you were doing one inspired by mine. I didn't see the first version but there are enough similarities that I was curious. :)



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Wed Jun 24, 2015 4:28 pm
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SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Haiku's are everywhere <3. (I'm kind of obsessed with them, just ask about anyone from my Freshman year). I'll review this as much as one can review a haiku.

I first checked syllables. Do you pronounce violent as two syllables or three? Because, around my parts we pronounce it as two but I know that varies in different locations and what not. Either than that, the syllables are within the guidelines! As well as spelling, which is good. c;

Okay, second part of the review. The only thing I think dampens the flow (and only a little bit, and maybe because repetition and I are enemies at times) is that there are two 'a' words. Definitely doesn't have to be changed (because I don't know if 'the monstrosity' would make sense instead of 'a monstrosity'), but I thought I'd mention that.

But alas, my short review is over! I hope maybe I helped? Keep writing poetry!

Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie




yellow says...


Thank you so much! Violent is 3 syllables, I checked in an online dictionary to make sure. :D





Oh o.o I learned something new today!



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Wed Jun 24, 2015 8:00 am
sagnik says...



what is tihs



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deleted21 says...


Google if you don't know. Haiku.



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Wed Jun 24, 2015 3:09 am
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Prokaryote says...



Awful. This isn't what this site is about. If you just want Likes, go on Facebook, though I assume from your behaviour you don't have any friends there.




donizback says...


Better be silent than discouraging others.



yellow says...


Thank you for intervening, Don.

Prok, this was not very helpful or mature at all. If you don't like it, then don't say anything at all. If you need to share your opinions, then share them will a brick wall.



cleverclogs says...


I understand being frustrated with a joke work like this, but was the Facebook comment really necessary?



donizback says...


Why even get frustrated? He earned those points, he used them, he wanted it this way.



Prokaryote says...


If you don't like it, then don't say anything at all.


In your mind, what's the purpose of this board?



DivineFool says...


YWS sound provide an option to dislike comments/reviews. Seeing lots of personal attacks and hate speech in comments section these days. "Awful"



DivineFool says...


YWS *should*



donizback says...


I second that, @DivineFool
Can we do anything about it, @Nate?



Willard says...


I feel like attacks on Prok are a bit unnecessary. Sure, he may have rustled some jimmies, but to go on about how he's disrespectful and trying to be good Samaritans seems a bit over the top.



Lumi says...


If any of you have issues, please report them to YWS staff by contacting anyone with a Green or Red username. Lit comments should - and will - be about the work posted, and not about any member who posts or comments on a work. Thank you.



donizback says...


Is anyone kind enough to delete this comment then?



Prokaryote says...


@donizback

It's my comment. Why are you so intent on censoring me?




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