We know Twilight Sparkle is Princess Celestia's most faithful student. She mostly gets a very hard quest from the princess. But can you guys imagine if she got a crazy job from the princess. It's just like in the story below
One day, Twilight sparkle gets a job from the princess. the princess give her 5 jobs and they are
In sugarcube corner, Twilight is buying a chocolate cake. "Sorry Twilight, but Derpy bought all of Celestia's favorite chocolate cake!" Says Pinkie Pie. "What? Derpy? What for she's buying the choco cake?" Asked Twilight. "She said it was for Princess Celestia" Pinkie answers. "But, Celestia lends this job to me! Not her!" Says Twilight. "Nope, sorry. you're late! And i have nothing more to explain" Says Pinkie Pinkie pie walks back to the kitchen and Twilight is getting confused then walks outside the shop. "Weird... Why Derpy bought it for the same quest? I hope it's not happens in Fluttershy's" Says Twilight in her mind.
Then, she goes to Fluttershy's cabin and it's actually happens again. "Hey Fluttershy, who's that rabbit behind you?" Twilight asked. "Umm... This is Angel" Says Fluttershy. "Angel?! Who's rescued her?!" Says Twilight. "It was Derpy is the one who rescues her! She's very kind!" Says Fluttershy. "Derpy? AGAIN?! What's happening?! Ough.... I hope it's not happening in Applejack's!" says Twilight. "Twi... what's going on with you?" Fluttershy said. Twilight runs outside the cabin very fast.
Now in sweet apple acres. "Applejack! Can you give me a big glass of cider?" Twilght cheerfuly asked Applejack. applejack looked on Twilight and says "Sorry, Twi. We're out of Cider. Derpy was our last customer". "Derpy? AGAIN?! She'll be my nightmare soon" Says Twilight when she's almost gets give up. "That's time! You can't control time! What a cup of cider for?" Says Applejack very calm. "It's for a quest from Princess Celestia!" Says Twilight very loud. "For Princess celestia?! Your reason is same as Derpy's!" Says applejack. Twilights walks out and says "Farewell, bye!".
In the mine. "Rarity? where do you get a wagon full of gems?" Twilight asked. "I get it from Derpy" Says Rarity. "Derpy again?! Wtf is happening here!?" Twilight said. She almost going to give up the guest to the Princess but she won't give up because she still have one task left. Then, Twilight runs to the plains.
In the plain. "Hi Rainbow Dash! Where're Blur and the others?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash. they just left and goes back to Tokyo. Blur wins again. His car is upgraded" Says Rainbow Dash. "So, who's the coach at the race?" Twilight asked. "It's Derpy" said Rainbow Dash. "D..Derpy? again?!. Twilight sayid. "Yep" rainbow Dash replied. "I can't take it anymore!" Twilight shouted and runs to the castle.
And in the castle. "Princess Celestia i wanna gave up this quest because...what the?! What the heck is?!". Twilight get surprised when Princess Celestia with Derpy. "Oh Twilight! I was pranked you! you're right! I lend this job to Derpy!". "Oh gosh" Said Twilight then faints. Both Celestia and Derpy confused.
And that's all. Can you imagine now? It is weird
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hi. this was the wierdest. Especially that part where twilight says "What? Derpy? What for she's buying the choco cake?"
Hi there! Review Day!
Okay, wow, the story is quite different and interesting, but the way its written is quite..off.
There are SO many mistakes. I really wished you'd at least read it once before posting it,
Sigh.
Alright, so I really, really think you should definitely read your posts before submitting them. Otherwise, the readers are going to get very annoyed.
Just have a look at it.
A) You have to work on your character spacing. Because that just looks a bit messy.
B) Why is Derpy in bold?
C) There are a lot of errors in this. I don't know. I'm just a little sad because this story has soo much potential. I really think you can modify it into something brilliant!
Maybe you need a little help. In that case, I suggest you going to some of our Mods for help
Actually, I'm the one who's more confused here. I did not understand a word of what was written there. I hope I don't sound rude, I really hope I don't.
The whole piece is just a little too..chaotic. I think, you need to sit back, relax and write with a open, fresh mind. It'll really help. Trust me. I've had quite a few of those days meself.
Yeah. Thats it for my review.
You can really work this into something brilliant!
Keep writing!
-Divz
Hi there!
Are you actually ten?I though YWS didn't accept anyone below 13.
Anyway, to the review.
This is a really cute story but you need to work very hard on sentence structure and grammar.
I should be capitalized.
forgets should be replaced by forget.
A comma after Good luck.
And it should be- "Actually Celestia had pranked Twilight"
Prank is not a word
Woah! I strongly suggest you read books, a lot of them to understand how sentences are written.
The paragraph could be written like this-
"For what was she she's buying the choco cake?" Asked Twilight. "She said it was for Princess Celestia" Pinkie answered. "But, Celestia gave this job to me! Not her!" Said Twilight. "Nope, sorry, you're late! And I have nothing more to explain" Says Pinkie, then Pinkie pie walks back to the kitchen and Twilight was confused. Then she walks outside the shop. "Weird... Why had Derpy bought it for the same quest? I hope it does not happen in Fluttershy's" Twilight thought.
There is grammatical and sentence errors throughout the story. Always read through what you write, check if your sentences are right, recheck for tense mistakes.
Hope it helped.
The story is interesting, but this is full of errors in grammar and spelling. You should definitely look over this.
You put an abbreviation, and the settings should have been set differently because of the language you used. Grammar is important, and you didn't seem to realize that. Then, of course, your rating is off. If some younger kid comes, then you may have influenced their life, in a bad way.
Okay. I don't understand "I'll do this guest". It doesn't make any sense. I believe it was a spelling error, and like I mentioned, you should go over this before you post it. You seem like you were in a rush, but writing stories is not something you should take lightly.
OH! And, I've seen My Little Pony before, so I know that Celestia is not someone who pranks people or rather, should I say ponies.
I don't believe you put much thought to this, so I highly recommend that. The plot is pretty good, but overall, this came out a mess. I'm not trying to be mean, but this could use some editing.
You may want to look over your formatting. The dialogue is written incorrectly. Instead of, "It's for a quest from Princess Celestia!" Says Twilight very loud. "For Princess celestia?! Your reason is same as Derpy's!" Says applejack. It should be more like this:
"It's for a quest from Princess Celestia," says Twilight very loudly.
"For Princess Celestia?! Your reason is the same as Derpy's!" says applejack.
Space them out, a new paragraph whenever somebody new speaks. Commas inside the quotation marks before dialogue verbs like says. Also, a quick review on adverbs would help you, too. Other than the little technical stuff, it's super cute!