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Young Writers Society



The Tortoise and the Hare (revisisted)

by EloquentDragon


A POV assignment for writing class, and now I must read it in front of everyone for a school talent show. O_O

Anyway, tell me how it is. (I need some help with the dialogue---witty replacements requested)

Thanks

~ED

Fira was, above all else, an actress. And a very good one at that. Capable of discerning the subtleties and deceptions in any creature’s voice, because she was so apt at affecting those things herself. She now tolerated Horace the Hare’s bragging rant as she walked beside him down the dust covered road.

“I’m legendary around here.” He bragged, “I’ve never been beaten.” That may be so, Fira thought to herself, but I’m sure you’d still be no match for a fox.

Horace was just getting into his list of his weekly exercise program (consisting of his daily workouts and stretches and a carrot diet which specialized in Vitamin A) when they came across Theodore, the resident Tortoise. Fira watched in growing disgust as Horace proceeded to boast to and mock the humble hearted Theodore.

“We here all know that I never run full speed, if I did, poor Theodore here wouldn’t even be able to see me. Am I right little buddy?”

He prodded at his “friend.” Fira shook her head. She felt sympathetic towards Theodore, and wondered how often he had to deal with Horace’s dry sense of humor. As she watched the two for a moment, however, an idea began to form in her mind. She grinned and cocked her head to one side.

“Horace, have you ever raced against a fox?” she asked as innocently as possible.

“No but if I ever did I’m sure they’d be left in the dust.” He said with a sniff. Fira’s grin widened.

“Then how would you like to go up against me?” she asked. Horace gave a start. His jaw moved up and down, but no words came. Foxes are foxes, after all. And sadly, even though Fira was generally refined and sophisticated, images of roasted Hare and Hare stew were coming to her mind. She ran her tongue over her lips.

“That won’t be necessary Fira.” Theodore cut in. “I’ve already challenged Horace here to a race.” Fira looked between Horace and Theodore, her amusement was clearly evident.

“You….you have?” Horace stammered. Theodore shot him a pointed look. “I-I-mean…You have!” he quickly amended.

“Yes but, he has yet to accept.” Theodore stated calmly. Horace laughed (Perhaps just a bit nervously) and gave Theodore an incredulous look.

“You? Hah! I’d love to see the day.”

“So would I.” Fira put in. “In fact, how about right now?” She yawned, not being in a particularly hungry mood, and folded up into a sitting position. With this regal, slightly condescending pose, she laid out the instructions for the course and had the two lined up. Theodore placidly stood at the line, while Horace grinned, jumping back and forth and stretching his long, wiry legs. Fira shook her head at his extravagant “warm-up.” After they had took their places, Fira gave the signal and the race began. Horace, of course, darted off at once (Maybe just a bit too quick, Fira decided) and Theodore plodded along behind at an even pace. This should be interesting. She mused. After a few minutes o relative silence, Fira pushed herself up and trotted down the track. She passed poor, panting Theodore and continued up the hill, where she found Horace dozing under a cedar. What a stuck up idiot. She glared at the oblivious hare. Eventually, Theodore finally managed to climb to the crest of the hill. He dragged himself past Horace and the cedar tree---which happened to be the finish line. Fira waited a moment or two before poking Horace in the chest to wake him up. He sprang up, quite disoriented, and ran a few circles before seeing Fira. With a yelp he jumped into the air and over the finish line. After he had sufficiently calmed himself, he turned quite smuggle and yelled triumphantly down the hill.

“Theodore! I hope you’re still there!” He pranced back and forth, gloating. Fira shook her head.

“Who are you yelling at?” Theodore asked quietly from behind Horace’s back. Horace nearly jumped out of his skin for the second time that day, and it took Fira some work to convince the (quite skeptical) hare that he really had lost the race.

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17 Reviews

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Reviews: 17

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Fri May 11, 2012 4:09 am
Terracotta wrote a review...



Hi EloquentDragon,

Here to review. :)

MICRO COMMENTS
>but I’m sure you’d still be no match for a fox.

I think a more active voice is more concise and easy to follow, especially when read aloud (e.g. "I'm sure you're still no match for a fox").

>Horace was just getting into his list of his weekly exercise program

I feel like this transition would be smoother with one more sentence (e.g. Horace had gone on for ten minutes when he started getting into his list...)

Also, I think one "his" could be cut (e.g. his list of weekly exercises).

>Fira looked between Horace and Theodore, her amusement was clearly evident.

I think this sentence needs an "as" before "Fira" ("As Fira looked between Horace and Theodore, her amusement was clearly evident) OR "was" should be deleted (e.g. "Fira looked looked between Horace and Theodore, her amusement clearly evident") OR it should be written with semicolon instead of a comma. :)

>“You? Hah! I’d love to see the day.”

I thought this response was a little illogical. Maybe if Horace said, "Me? Race YOU? I'd love to see the day!" I would not have been confused.

>After they had took their places,

I think when an auxiliary is used, the tense of the main verb changes, so that "took" becomes "taken" (e.g. had taken).

>he turned quite smuggle

I wasn't sure if this was supposed to say "smug" or "smugly"? I'm not familiar with the word "smuggle."

MACRO COMMENTS

I like most of your dialogue!

Some questions I had were...

Did Theodore really challenge Horace already or did he simply say so to prevent Fira from doing something nasty?

Why is Horace nervous about racing Theodore?

Why is Fira skill as an actress important for her role in this story?

I liked the way you highlighted these timeless characters, especially Theodore. I thought he was adorable. :)

I think Fira adds something to the story simply by being an observer. However, I was initially confused by the introduction, which focuses on Fira's foxy qualities. I thought my attention was being directed to those qualities to alert me that they would be important later, so I was a little disappointed when I didn't see Fira play a bigger role.

I like your story. And good luck at your talent show!

Hope this is useful.

Terracotta




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Fri May 11, 2012 3:11 am
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hokay, ED,

I was going to tell you this in chat, but you left rather abruptly, so here is the feedback.

1. Cut out the first two sentences. You don't need to have very good EQ to see that Horace is bragging.

2. Tell us that Fira is a fox earlier. It's jarring to find that out so late.

3. He's not very bright if he falls straight into Fira's trap. Why does he not think she will challenge him?

4. Your prose is quite heavy. It is laden with unnecessary adverbs and interjections by the narrator, such as:
"Theodore stated calmly", and "Theodore asked quietly from behind Horace’s back" might be replaced with "Theodore said".
In, "Horace, of course, darted off at once", the of course could easily be eliminated. And Theodore "placidly" lining up is also a little unnecessary.

And it's not just me who thinks this way about this stuff: http://grammar.about.com/od/basicsenten ... quotes.htm

Along this line, you can also get rid of most of the parenthesized stuff.
5. Given that this is to be read at a talent show, I suggest bringing dialogue more to the fore of the story. Cutting what exposition you can in favor of more fun dialogue means you can bring the story a whole lot more to life with voices and the like. Dialogue makes a story rock and roll and you are so good at it that you should do it more.

Finally, in terms of your witty replacements, I really think they are only necessary in Horace's brags. Your dialogue works quite well in context on the whole.

I would replace the first one with something like, "I wonder what it is like to be beaten. You know, for winners like me, it really is not on my radar."

And the second with something like, "Hey Theodore, if I ever die in one of these races, you can have my legs." or if you want something a little more mild, "Hey Theodore, want to go see a movie later? If you leave now, we might be able to catch a midnight showing."

Just a couple of ideas. Anyhow, you're getting the first like I've given since returning to YWS.

Good job.





Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus