This is the second posting of this piece of writing. (ugh) Where is you people's sense of feedback?
Sir Dacron pressed his horse on through the rain. Thunder rolled ominously above them. It was not often that Dacron felt fear, but now it had wrapped its iron hand around his very being, threatening to stifle all life it found there. The horse shivered beneath him; almost as if it too, could sense its master’s fate. A raven screeched somewhere in the distance, briefly shattering the dismal cadence of the rain. Then, the silence crashed heavily upon them again.
It was the silence that was most unnerving; for it was not the kind of silence that is heard, but rather felt; and Dacron could feel it with every fiber of his body. Not one animal could be seen prowling about the recesses of the woods; the entire place was cloaked in solemn grey mist. Dacron peered uneasily into the shadows. His enemy was near. He could detect his evil presence on every living thing. Even the fallen trees which crossed his path seemed to shudder for what was to come. Dacron urged his horse to a faster pace. The mud beneath its hooves squelched in strange rhythm, in tune with the creaking branches. “You’ll fail! You’ll die! You’ll fail! You’ll die!” They sang mockingly. Dacron gritted his teeth. “I WILL not fail! I WILL not die.” He assured himself. The rain pattered forlornly against his armor. “I can not fail, I can not die.” He sighed.
Presently, Dacron reached a clearing amidst the claws of the forest. The first sight of his foe brought a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach; he knew that something terrible was going to happen, it was only a matter of time.
The Scarlett knight was astride his prancing mount, and was obviously impatient.
“Ah, Sir Dacron, how nice of you to join me!” his voice had a sarcastic edge to it.
Dacron ignored him as he reined his horse to a halt and began to adjust his lance. “I was afraid you would be unable to attend, since I heard you had been detained.” He continued.
“Don’t mock me Boran; we both know what lies at stake here.” Boran pulled his horse to a standstill. Dacron could barely see his eyed underneath his black visor.
“Do we now?” his voice grew suddenly cold. “Mark my words Dacron, you will fail today, and everything you hold dear will be destroyed. I will make sure that death is not the end of your suffering.” Boran spat. “And don’t lie to yourself, honor won’t save you…not here and not ever.” His contempt slashed at Dacron.
“Your malice will not go unavenged…” his voice unintentionally quivered, “may justice smite you this day!” he bravely shouted. Boran laughed.
“You certainly have a taste for noble words coward. Let us see how you enjoy the taste of your own blood!” he lowered his lance and spurred his horse forward without warning. Dacron kicked his horse to a gallop and prepared to meet with fury.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you CC!
I now feel somewhat like a hypocrite, as I told Baywolf not to use "iota" and here I am using "cadence!"
But it was good for you to point that out, I was trying to narrate in the voice of a 16th century scholar who is orating the "true" Canterbury tales to a younger generation. I will amend.
(BTW, if you think this was bad, you should see my story about the Pilgrim's journey on the mayflower, heh.)
Again, thank you.
~E.D.
P.S. None of that is to be read as sarcasm, even though it is one of my many talents. *ahem*
Spoiler
The spoiler above contains my full text critique. My comments are in #FF0000 ">[red brackets]. My corrections are #FF0000 ">highlighted in red.
Welcome to YWS, Mr. SPG (Self-Proclaimed Genius)!
You did well in terms of setting up a scene and atmosphere, so props to you on that point. I'm not sure what the story is, so I can't much comment on that, nor can I say a lot about the characters. In terms of technical details, you've got a bit of variety going on with your sentence structure, which is nice. However, there are places where you've also gone over the top just a bit.
To elaborate on that last point, you've got some words in there that are... pretty far out there. "Forlornly", for instance, is not only a good way to tie your tongue in a knot, but also to lose your reader's attention while they reach for the dictionary (and don't even get me started on "dismal cadence"...
Another thing I noticed was your affinity for the semicolon (;). In this 600-word excerpt alone you have six semicolons. In my short story "The Unicorn" at 2900 words I have two, and I think that's already too many. Again - no need to use advanced tools like semicolons if you can achieve the same effect with commas and periods. For instance, check that sentence where you managed to use two semicolons, and try to come up with two good reasons why you need them there. They are very noticeable and they make it more difficult to keep up with what you're saying.
Having said all that, you did quite well in terms of building a scene (now say it like a third-grade English teacher would!
Your servant,
cC
Ah yes, thank you for pointing this out. My little intro at the start of the story was slightly random, as I had previously posted this story in the "Historical Fiction" section. It received no interest there, so I was angered that I didn't post it in the "Fantasy" section first.
Thank you, I will defiantly fix those grammar problems.
Yes, this piece of writing is separated; it is midpoint between Dacron's conquests and Boran’s conquests, so it’s sort of like a mini climax. I do plan to expand this, but later rather than sooner, but maybe I should do it sooner. I'm not sure if I will though, I wrote this one day while bored when I was supposed to be doing homework; then revised it a little to post here, so its just a tiny bit to what could be a great story.
Again, thanks for your review!
~E.D.
Hi, this is pretty good. I think the reviewer above me took care of the minor issues, so i won't bother with them.
A word of advice: If you want people to review your work, review other people's work. This is the idea that YWS is grounded on. When you review someone elses work, most of the time they take the time to look at yours. Sometimes they don't but that may be because they're not into the particular genre you write in.
So, review more and you will receive more reviews. If you write mostly fantasy then review more fantasy stories. You don't have to but that would probably help a bit.
Anyway, i like your story. It's a good introduction to the characters. There's tension between them, and it seems like there will be an immense battle scene between them in the near future. I look forward to reading it
Hello EloquentDragon!
Cannot is one word. Easy fix!I'm so sorry to see that you were a smidge frustrated with the lack of reviews, so I have come to rescue you! It's the least I could do since you reviewed my work so well.
Impression:
I liked the story. I know that sounds cliche, but this late at night and that's the best I can come up with I'm sad to say. In general, I'm constantly fascinated by knights on horseback, it all goes back to the first time I saw The Sword in the Stone when I was kid. The love grew when I read The Once and Future King, The Lord of the Rings (I love the Rohirrim), and watched as Heath Ledger battled away with his lance on A Knight's Tale. Your story was not very long, but it gave me a taste of that world of embattled warriors fighting for the glory or to defeat a great evil.
Grammar:
I noticed a few blips of grammar error. I'll just list them for you. Don't worry, nothing to fret over.
"His" should be capitalized since it is the beginning of a new sentence. If you had written then you could have left the pronoun lowercase. As it is, it needs to be capitalized.
Yet again, the same as the one I just listed for you. You know what to do.
You had the opposite problem with this sentence. You needed to have a comma instead of a period and 'he' should be lowercase. The way it was had "He continued" just hanging out in the middle of nowhere when it should be attached to the previous dialogue to show Boran was speaking again. It might even work out better if you say "Boran continued."
Also, the dialogue needs to be separated from Dacron's description. It looks almost as if Dacron said Boran was late. Which is contradicted by what I read previously.
Okay, so that may seem like a lot, but it isn't really.
Happy Writing!
Bailey