Ita and the Forming of the World

Hi there ^^

Well this was an interesting thing to read. Not very original, though, I must say, as I'm pretty sure it follows the pattern almost completely.. Yet you say you didn't find it very original either, so I guess that can't be seen as its flaw - except for, why didn't you make it more original, if you knew there was room for it? Was it an asignment you couldn't really shape completely the way you wished?

Anyway. The only thing that kind of bugged me, though at the same time it's kind of entertaining, was the describing one thing with another thing that doesn't exist yet. I think Hannah's already mentioned it in her review below.. I know you're a writer now, and this is the description of creating the world that already exists now, but still it doesn't really fit.

As for the women and their role, I'm not going to attack you, but I have to comment that one. Not that I'm a feminist, or that I say you don't have the right to make it any way you wish in your world, but still.. I don't think it's something much readers would like, when presented this way.

All In all, you did a good job switching the known story to what you needed - it's just that you should have given it some kind of a twist, something other than names that makes it dipfferent and refreshing.
For sure, as for it being a start of your fantasy world craft, I think it's great how sometimes random stuff like that can create the background for something bigger, and I'm curious about your other writings.

Kind regards,
Aria

I am a GOD.

Hi!

Long ago, before the first age when the stars shone with song all day, and the sun never set, yet never rose, and dwelled on the horizon in endless twilight, before the Üm spoke in their deep forests.

^ hey, this is a fragment. there is no actual sentence to it. it's all a dependent clause. you could fix it by just putting a comma at the end instead of a period and connecting it to the next.

hung it in the space, which fills the space between the heavens.

^ hey, so the space fills the space? fix this up. also, this doesn't need a comma.

Mightily, with the calm of a spring and the roar of ten thousand oceans,

^ it's kind of funny for you to use the sound of something that doesn't exist yet to describe the making of that sound. it seems wrong, though. you should find another way to describe the creation of the ocean that uses things that already exist in your story! ㅣlike the sounds of stars or the mountains or something. or the wind in the sky. you've only got land and sky so far.

To the wise Üm, who had come from the trees, to tend to and care for the things which grow.

^ i read that they came before the dawning? what is the dawning if this is not? and why mention them so many times but focus the narrative of this forming of the world on ita, flitting in and away again from the Um?



And Ita gave to each of the men a woman, to help and comfort him.

^ now, it was only at this point that i wondered why you made this narrative at all. if you're just going to tell the genesis story all over again without any real change, why are you writing it? even the trees? even the trees? where does this come from in YOUR heart that you were called to write it, or was it just recitation of the legends you've learned?

besides that, really? you're really going to start this story by giving the women a submissive role? by making them less than human? to perpetuate the problems we already fight against in society? i know this is art, but art reflects life, and you as an artist have a responsibility to your readers. in my opinion, it is to help them grow, and bringing them back to the idea that men are sky and women are land is not helping anyone. please reconsider following the genesis book to the letter and create your own world. really. create your own world. stretch your brain to get as far outside of what you already know as possible.

good luck.
let me know if you have any questions.

Ita and the Forming of the World

Long ago, before the first age when the stars shone with song all day, and the sun never set, yet never rose, and dwelled on the horizon in endless twilight, before the Üm spoke in their deep forests. In time forgotten even by the Üm, there was nothing, and Ita. Ita looked out on the darkness and said “Let us craft for ourselves a universe.” So Ita spoke, and the Starry Gate appeared. Brilliantly, out of the Starry Gate, Ita caused light to burst forth and pierce the dark. Then the stars followed radiantly, the first. For they are the first among the heavenly bodies. Singing they came, followed by the walking stars, spheres like our own yet still and without being. Ita took from both the light and stars and created the gods who dwell in the deep spaces of heaven. He gave names to them, and they sang for Ita in the Starry Gate. So it existed.


As Ita listened to the songs of the gods and stars, he saw that it was the proper time, and stretched out his hand. Gently, he touched one of the spheres and hung it in the space, which fills the space between the heavens. “This shall be my greatest work.” he said. On the barren rock, Ita split the skies from the ground. He called the earth “Ji” and the sky He called “Dai,” and it became “Daiji,” that which is now called the world. So it existed.


After an era had passed, Ita opened the doors of the heavens, and hung the sun on its path and the moon to tread in the night above. So it existed. From the ground Ita carved the mountains, but he saw that earth was too hard and unyielding to stretch so endlessly over the world in such a manner. Mightily, with the calm of a spring and the roar of ten thousand oceans, Ita spread out a great canopy over the world. From this blanket he took the waters and wove it into long threads, which wound in and around the ground like great ribbons. Grasping and groping their way through the rock and earth, they became rivers. The waters from the sky poured into the great hollows of the earth, the great recesses, filling like wide basins, and it was named “sea,” and Ita gave it to the god Hankaru, to rule the tides and storms. Above the sea and earth he called Shiro, the god of snow and Aru, the goddess of rain and wind, to make a great clamorous noise in the skies. This was so the skies would not be so empty, and that those below may wonder at the might. Shiro and Aru were wed, and their children were of rain and thunder.

For the ground, which Ita did not forget, he gave to the god Goku. “You shall be strongest of all the gods.” he said. “You may tread through Hankaru’s waters, and not drown, and the fury of Shiro and Aru will not do harm to you, though they clash against you.” So the world, with its earth and waters, existed. It was at this time that the dragons of old came to walk upon the air; and the giants moved about in the ground; and the rocks spoke. But the Üm, who are older than the Dawning still, and others, were to come after.


Now Ita, well pleased with all he had so cleverly made, gave ornament and beauty to the new world. Broadly, with a broad sweep of his hand, he formed the wood of the trees, as hard as stone and with the life of water, which covered the land in a vast forest. Without end the green blanket was spread, and Ita gave these green things, the living things, to the Üm. To the wise Üm, who had come from the trees, to tend to and care for the things which grow. For the Üm are wise in the ways of Ita. The Üm speak of him. In their hidden places they speak. They remember the things of Ita, the old things, for men so easily forget. So it existed. But although the world was indeed beautiful, and well cared for by its gods, Ita again set his mind to create. Masterfully, Ita designed many artful and hidden things, and none can know the way he works in such hidden ways, for he is Ita. The birds he made to dance in the air, the fish for the seas. All the kinds of animals came to dwell on the earth, and they knew well their place. The tiger for its forest. The bear to its mountains. The eagle in its deserts. And to some Ita gave speech, so that they through their small understanding might reveal Ita’s wisdom. And the Üm taught the animals that could speak many things, so that they would know their master. But to the wild beasts, the beasts which dwell in the brambles of the wilderness, no speech was given. Such as it was.

Now as things passed, Ita desired for the dawn of a new kind, and a new age. A kind he would create after his own. “Let us craft from the earth a kind after our own form and likeness.” Said Ita. So Ita, as his greatest creation, molded five men from the earth. “Jinsei.” he said, which means life. And he gave them breath, and they opened their eyes and lived, and praised the name of Ita. Ita loved them, and made for them a valley, beautiful and vast. To them he gave five rivers, which flow in each direction. (As it is called today the valley of the five rivers, where life began.) And Ita gave to each of the men a woman, to help and comfort him. “Go out and work the earth. The animals I give to you, and the fruits of the field shall yield to you.” And Ita commanded them to go out and fill the world. So it existed. But Ita, seeing that the wisdom of the Üm was not enough for man, and wanting man to love him for more than life itself, set up two trees in the valley. “One is where I shall dwell, to be with you present always. Do not eat of the fruit of the other tree, the second tree; for then you shall know what even the Üm do not know.” So it existed. And for a long age men were happy, and lived with Ita, forgetting all about the second tree. But it was not to last, for at that time Kō had been cast down from the Starry Gate and bound beneath the mountains by Rin; as it is told in the accounts of Suman: The Age of the Dawning could not last for always, but it was as Ita saw. These things have been told through the oracles of men, and are recorded by the Üm, so that the world may not forget Ita at the forming of the world. (For it was Ita who created it.) So it exists. Because Ita set to mind to form it.

Holy crap, do split them into paragraphs first! It's a real turn off for reviewers! XD