Published May 24, 2009
Everyone: For those who reviewed, it is greatly appreciated. But, I am no longer continuing this piece. Look for my new works in the later future!
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This is really fantastic and I hope you keep writing, but I do have a few things to pick at.
There should probably be a comma after honey, this will make it a clause and make the snetence flow more smoothly.
there should be a comma after morning
this makes me think that the window actually moved, perhaps 'securely fastened' would be more appropriate
I personally think this is unnecessary. Some other words like this that start you sentences(like still and yet) could also be taken out.
this makes it sound like the villian is rescued. maybe replacing the 'and' with a comma would fix that.
this character's quote should start a new paragraph and the 'too' should be 'two'
this is kind of awkward. a better way to phrase it might be'How wonderful it would be to be young again.'
the comma should be a was unless you wanted to say more about Melly.
this should be followed by dress or gown or whatever you prefere
this can just be 'worn'
you could stop at sad, or replace sad and down with downtrodden
because this story is in past tense already, 'had been' might be more clarifying than 'was'
place should be capitalized if its included in the name of the place
you can take out the 'as'
as a last note, just make sure to keep Papa and Mamma captialized.
i love this piece so far, let me know if you put up anything else for it