z

Young Writers Society



Off Limits. -Part One- Ellie's POV

by Ellie(:


--Note: So, I read all of the (mostly) positive feedback from my last post, Impossibly In Love. And I took into consideration all of the ideas. About... half way into this *Soon* to be short story. (Short story as in... 30 pages?) And the plot line is ideal, but you will be holding onto the edge of your seat at the climax in the end(; SO, Thank you all, and tell me what you think. If you haven't read it, go look at my other story, "Impossibly In Love." This isn't a sequel, but it's just with the same people... But older. Thanks! :lol: --

Finally. I thought to myself. Summer break. Spend time with friends, but I was looking forward to hanging out with one mostly. Atam absolutely gouges, totally not into me. I can’t exactly blame him... So many other girls.

"He’s totally into you." my friends would say. I just rolled my eyes. He’s so... sexy. But one of my best friends. Off limits I repeat to myself.

"Hey!" I hear him call from behind me. I spin around to be greeted by his smiling face.

"Hey to you too." I reply with a smile.

"Happy summer break." He says handing me a wild flower.

"Aw thanks, Atam." I stick it behind my ear.

"Brings out your eyes." He complements as he tucks my hair being my ear. I feel my face start to heat up and Look away. "Wanna walk home with me?" He says sweetly.

We live in the same neighborhood. Two streets away.

"Sure." I say back.

"Great." He smiles.

He turns away and starts walking and I face my friend and give her a smile. She winks and I laugh. "You coming, Ellie?" I hear him holler.

"Coming!" I respond. Once I catch up to him he walks in front of me backwards.

"So Ms. Chavez, what are your summer plans?" He says holding a microphone to my mouth.

"Sleep." I say into it.

"Ah, that's no fun." He says stopping walking. He caught me off guard and I bump into him. His cheek brushes mine and I back away. "Sorry!" I say.

"It's okay." He says quietly... somewhat holding me at the waist.

I start walking again and he follows. "So sleeping’s no fun." He tells me. I shrug.

"No hanging out with, Atam." he says with a frown. My head pops up. "You crazy? I was kidding." He laughs and walks in front of me again. I can’t help but look at his lips for a second and wonder what they would look like kissing me. I shake my head and laugh.

"What’s funny?" He asks.

"Thinking about something I can’t have...” I reply.

"As in?" He says suddenly curious.

"Nothing," I say back with a frown on my face, "Just a stupid fantasy."

"Oh...” he looks at the floor.

We walk and joke around and we get to his house. "Can I come over tomorrow?" he asks.

"Sure." I smile.

"Great, around noon?"

"Sounds perfect."

I hug him and walk away.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
80 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 80

Donate
Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:30 am
Jay wrote a review...



A good beginning. This sort of thing isn't my personal cup of tea. However, from an objective perspective I like your use of detail, and how you use small details and mannerisms to build up the characterisation.

You have some spelling and punctuation errors, so I've just rewritten it here.

Ellie(: wrote:Finally, I thought to myself. Summer break. I was planning to spend time with friends, but I was looking forward to hanging out with one mostly. Atam. He's absolutely gouges, totally not into me. I can’t exactly blame him... So many other girls.
"He’s totally into you." my friends would say. I just rolled my eyes. He’s so... sexy. But one of my best friends. Off limits, I repeat to myself.
"Hey!" I hear him call from behind me. I spin around to be greeted by his smiling face.
"Hey to you too." I reply with a smile.
"Happy summer break." He says handing me a wild flower.
"Aw, thanks, Atam." I stick it behind my ear.
"Brings out your eyes." He compliments as he tucks my hair being my ear. I feel my face start to heat up and look away.
"Wanna walk home with me?" He says sweetly.
We live in the same neighborhood. Two streets away.
"Sure." I say.
"Great." He smiles.
He turns away and starts walking and I face my friend and give her a smile. She winks and I laugh.
"You coming, Ellie?" I hear Atam holler.
"Coming!" I respond. Once I catch up to him he walks in front of me backwards.
"So Ms. Chavez, what are your summer plans?" He says holding a microphone to my mouth.
"Sleep." I say into it.
"Ah, that's no fun." He says stopping walking. He caught me off guard and I bump into him. His cheek brushes mine and I back away. "Sorry!" I say.
"It's okay." He says quietly... somewhat holding me at the waist.
I start walking again and he follows. "So sleeping’s no fun." He tells me. I shrug.
"No hanging out with, Atam." he says with a frown. My head pops up. "You crazy? I was kidding." He laughs and walks in front of me again. I can’t help but look at his lips for a second and wonder what they would look like kissing me. I shake my head and laugh.
"What’s funny?" He asks.
"Thinking about something I can’t have...” I reply.
"As in?" He says suddenly curious.
"Nothing," I say back with a frown on my face, "Just a stupid fantasy."
"Oh...” he looks at the ground.
We walk and joke around and we get to his house. "Can I come over tomorrow?" he asks.
"Sure." I smile.
"Great, around noon?"
"Sounds perfect."
I hug him and walk away.




User avatar
228 Reviews

Points: 1203
Reviews: 228

Donate
Thu Feb 26, 2009 4:30 am
Linx wrote a review...



But....but...but....You can't end it right there!
Ahem.
Hiya Ellie!

Finally. I thought to myself.

Since it is a thought, it would probably be best to put that in italics. That way, everyone can know it is a thought.

Atam absolutely gouges, totally not into me.

Gouges? That means to dig out. I'm not sure that is the right word you meant to put there.

Once I catch up to him, he walks in front of me backwards.

You forgot the comma there, hon. :wink:

"Ah, that's no fun." He says stopping walking. He caught me off guard and I bump into him. His cheek brushes mine and I back away. "Sorry!" I say.

This is the only time you did this, but everytime there is a new line of dialogue, you start a new paragraph. If a new person starts speaking, you start another paragraph. You forgot to do that here, I believe.

We walk and joke around and we get to his house.

And arrive at his house? That sounds a little awkward. It would be better to put, until instead, because it would sound better.

Description - This piece lacked description. I have no idea what Ellie looks like, or Atam. You just said he looked sexy, which is not very descriptive. Add some more description. Put some more depth into it. Make me feel like I'm actually in the story!

Dialogue Punctuation - The dialogue punctuation wasn't that good throughout the post either. You always used periods, instead of commas in some spots. For example:

"Sure. Right here" I say back.

In the spot in the sentence above is where the dialogue punctuation is. During this post, you always put a period in that spot. Sometimes, though, you have to use comma instead.

This are examples of when you have to put a comma:

"YWS is awesome," Cat said.
"I love writing," Cat sighed.
"The bus is crowded," Cat remarked.

Whenever you say Cat said or something like that, you have to put a comma.

This are examples of when you have to put a period:

"I love YWS."
"This is amazing." Cat smiled brightly as the eclipse began to happen.

Whenever you don't say that someone said something, it's a period. Whenever you put that they said it, you put a comma.

Do you understand? If you don't, go ahead and PM me and I'll try to explain.

I assume that there is more to come, so I can't wait!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Cat





For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein