I watch people breathe
To understand the purpose
Inhale a breath
Exhale the next
The simple formula to survive
But as you start to take in emotions, connections, and if you're beyond lucky people in your life
The simple formula turns unbearable
Especially if you become "beyond lucky"
Meeting you
Getting to understand your thoughts and words
And finally feeling ununderstood
That wasn't just luck
It made me refuse to breathe
Because every breath echoed a cold reminder
That just like you came into my twisted life
You'd have to be released out
But when the stiff air entered my lungs
I wasn't surviving anymore I was living
Living with the knowledge we wouldn't be like a breathe
Instead we'd live long together like the stars
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Elle! Lil' Barry here for a review!
I have to start out by saying that I really enjoyed this piece, I found it very interesting and meaningful. This poem is very lovely and I'm glad I stumbled upon it! Also, welcome to YWS! This is an awesome start to the many writings I'm sure you will end up posting on here! Anyway, on to the review!
My first suggestion is to not capitalize every letter that starts off a line. When writing poems you don't have to use the same rules as writing regular sentences or stories. Mix it up, have some capitalized letters and some lowercase. Not only does this add some variety, but it will create some ease when it comes to reading the poem. It's easier to move on to the next line when they are not all capitalized, same goes for when the author lowercases every letter. Along with trying to add some variety, I would consider adding some periods, commas, some explanation marks! Punctuation will also help break up the lines or add flow, depending on the punctuation you choose. Using punctuation can also help set the mood and tone of your poem. Another suggestion would be to create stanzas. It's easier to follow the poem when you break up the lines a bit. When you break up the lines the reader can better understand what the whole writing is about by piecing it all together instead of just reading a whole group of text. Of course, stanzas are kinda hard to create on this site, but I'm sure you'll end up getting the hang of it!
That was all for suggestions and critiques, so on to positives! I'd say that your content as a whole is one giant positive! This poem was beyond beautiful. Your word choice is great and the message this poem sends as a whole is well, actually kind of relatable, I really think you do a good job of putting feelings into words. Your poem is lovely and I am very excited to read more of your work, I'll be keeping an eye out for more!
Once more, beautiful, beautiful poem. I hope you have a good day and continue writing!
Bye for now,
Lil' RueBarry
Wonderful job, this poem was lovely!
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
I'll start by explaining that I really enjoyed this piece, and have few to complain about. The reviewer before took most of what I would have said.
However, I would like to give a little assistance when it comes to formatting, since I do believe this piece would do well with stanzas.
Note that unlike most things on the site, the publishing center runs on HTML code, not BB code. So, to split stanzas, you need to tell it they're separate paragraphs. To do this, you'll put <p> in front of the stanza you want to create, and </p after it. Then do the same for each stanza.
This will create an isolated chunk of text, but it won't have any separated lines. To break your lines, put </br> at the end of every line except the last. Always use the preview feature to make sure everything went according to plan.
This should give you more ability to format. While you have the <p> codes, you should be able to add any whitespace you want, and it will be preserved, so experiment with such a little bit. Try adding more and less whitespace for effect.
Overall, great piece! I look forward to seeing more from you! Keep up the great work!
Hey there EllaXaaa, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
Well, I think you have a pretty interesting poem here and I actually did like it. However there are a few things I want to mention.
1. You should really break this into multiple stanzas. When you have a huge wall of text like this it can become harder for your reader to see the bigger picture on what is actually happening in the words. Multiple stanzas can also help the flow of your piece.
2. You done need to start each line with a capital letter, same as having a chunk of text, it can become harder for your reader to read and it can become strenuous to the eye. Think about it this way: if you put the lines into a block [paragraph] there would be random capitalized words in the middle of the sentence right? So even though they each start a new line, unless they start a new sentence the word she be lowercased. This brings me to my next point-
3. The piece would benefit if there was some punctuation. Right now, you have none and therefore your reader has no way of knowing when one idea ends and another begins. Punctuation helps tell your readers when they should take a break and ponder on what they just read and it can really make or break the poem. [I pointed out places were I would add punctuation in red.]
Other then those three points, I think everything else I would suggest is in the line-by-line. Good job and good luck. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Continue writing.