Published October 2, 2009
VERSE 1
I don't want anyone to and help me try to find a clue.
Because deep inside my broken heart I see the fault in you.
It's like a deadly sting, a cobra's bite, the fight is all to real
come and think of ways for me to break straight out of this deal.
CHORUS
I just don't need you here now
Unless you stay still and don't make a sound.
I never wanted you here hon so why would I start now.
VERSE 2
I must admit I am proud of you to try and pave my way.
But I don't want to be the one to step aside and watch you save the day.
I can fix a scorn, amend your thoughts but allow this to be said,
You shouldn't be to surprised if you can't get me off your head.
HOOK
Keep on dreamin' babe I'll see you another day.
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141,456 Literary Works • 674,473 Reviews
You know that beautiful and short song at the end of some CD's. The one you know will never get airplay but should. This is like that some only it's sounds a little tougher. I absoulutly love it. The chorus is so catchy. Keep writting.
It's kind of hard to 'hear' it without a tune, but the words are definitely strong and speak truthfully - there's definitely emotion there. Minor things I'd pick up on:
"..break straight out of this deal."
What's a deal? It doesn't quite make sense, which is a shame because it means the rhyme doesn't work.
"...I am proud of you to try and pave my way."
I'm not sure 'proud' is quite the word to use here. Grateful, maybe? Also, grammatically speaking, it should be 'try to'.
"I can fix a scorn..."
A scorn isn't an object - I'm not quite sure what you mean here, but you can't say that. If you mean an insult, maybe a better word to use would be 'slur' or 'slight'.
Hey, your comment really inspired me to keep writing! Thank you so much!
I liked it. It really hit the spot for me. It was short but really good. I hope you keep on writing lyrics, because it was really good. I was interested in what genre of music it would be. I know a lot of people put the intrumental parts in and I was wondering if you wanted it pop, country, alt. Etc, you know? All together it was good though.