Ok, two things before you read this:
a) this song is unfinished and unedited like most of mine are so dont expect it to be perfect
and b) please dont tear it apart. if you dont like it, just say, but this was written for something special that happened so...yeah.
I also have the music that goes with this and it makes a lot more sense with the chords and timing and stuff. X
And also if anyone has a better word for "went" or one that rhymes with "break" and means "facade" that would be amazing.
If you went
So far
I couldnt see the headlights
From your ink black star
In the shining sky
Dont be so cold
If you swan
So deep
Your face was only a blur
And i could smash
It with just a ripple
Of water
I would miss you
Until the days run out
Until the mornings change
Into my darkest nights
I would miss you like
The moon misses the stars
That dont fit into the sky
So its ok, so dont cry
If they held me
So fast
It couldnt be real
But thats just my imagination
The moment died
When i found out
So dont try any longer
Still,
I would miss you
Until the days run out
Until the mornings change
Into my darkest nights
I would miss you like
The moon misses the stars
That dont fit into the sky
So its ok, so dont cry
And thats all so far. I need a verse and a mid 8th so ideas are great.
X
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139,653 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
I see great potential for a beautiful song in what you have written
The staggered structure mirrors the forlorn theme wonderfully.
As I read I could not help but read it to the tune of "Ne Me Quitte Pas" by Jacques Brel.
Brel's work often dealt with celestial metaphors/similes, and when used seriously they can be formidable assets to anyone's poetry, provided they are not undertaken half-heartedly. However this piece seems genuine enough for it to work
To your questions,
1) Went... what it could be and why I suggest it
if you drove? (headlights)
if you left? (Don't be so cold)
if you were gone? (Don't be so cold)
if you flew? (In the shining sky)
if you ran? (So far)
if you dived? (If you swam)
2) A word that rhymes with BREAK and means FASCADE
.... try FAKE
Straight forward honest song writing, love it
Swam, yes
Lol i set my phone so that i get alerts from YWS so i know
Ella
XOX
Love that line
It's beautiful, full of lots of individual descriptions that are full of amazing imagery. Did notice an error though.
Did you mean swam?
But on the whole, wowww.
I'm about to put up the next part of Denatured, btw.
Thankyou!!
but it did start off as a poem so you know.
You can review it if you like...
i just like this song.
Ella
XXX
Yes, this should be in lyrics, but I do like this.
Oh and if you don't want it ripped apart I suggest not posting it. That is what this site is for improvment not oh my gosh I adore this. Unless you are perfect or something.
Anyway like I said I do like this, and I am not going to review because that isn't what you want, but oh well.
Remember where things go and keep writing.
-Flower-
umm, ella this should be in songs. this is poetry. lol