I am not a toy

Hey Ella! Team Red sucks. Happy Review Day!

Okay, so first off, I suggest you cut out the repetitive "I said" after "I am not a toy," because it's a bit obvious that the narrator is speaking. If you want, you can keep it for the first verse, but I think it's self-explanatory on who's talking, so I suggest cutting all three of them out.

Second, I think you should give us a better understanding on the fact that the narrator is a toy. How so? What did this boy (for I assume it's a boy) do to make her feel like she was a toy, and now she has to prove that she is not a toy. Did he play her? I assume that he probably did, but saying that or at least giving us an example that makes us understand that he did play her, wouldn't hurt.

But other than that, I think you did a good job with this. The poem was clear with the message, which was that she isn't a toy. You used some pretty nice imagery to show us what was going on and what she was hearing and seeing. It was overall a pleasure to read and thank you for sharing. ^^

Hey Ella~

First of all I'd like to say that I agree with this message. It's a very powerful idea and important for people to know. We have a right to say no, we have a right to be people, and we have a right to stand up for ourselves. That being said, I think you can do a lot more with this poem to improve the impact.

First off, I would like to point out that this poem is rather untangle based. We're hearing what the person is saying/thinking instead of what she's sensing. What makes her exclaim that she is not a toy? What makes her see red? To me these things are important because what she is doing can bring in a lot of great imagery and vivid language.

I'll go into some more specifics. How does she know that she filled him with dread? Why is he "crying" instead of bellowing? Is she smacking him with a bat or something? "You broke me before" is a great line but it's not supported with memories which could be streaming through her head making her see that vicious bloody red. Also /would/ have? Why not "Will have" or "Must have" something stronger than I would if I could but I'm just not able? Let's get some punch in there and let's see some blood. Let's see some theft of her freedom! This could be a guy too, but I'm just more comfortable with it being a girl after a song I had to sing called "You Don't Own Me"

I dislike the last stanza. It's just not strong enough. It's not showing us how she's not going to put up with it any more, how she walks out strong, or how she beats him to death. It just is words, lots of words, Let's keep the words, but add the images that can show us what happens when you hurt someone else.

Hello, Tulip here to give you a review, fellow teammate of mine. So I can totally relate to the meaning of this poem. I have felt used by someone, and they left me a broken, more sheltered version of myself, till I found the one who helped me get over them.

Style
Okay, as I am writing this, I keep flash-backing to the painful memories that I have. I have them so deeply buried that it takes something very emotionally strong for me to remember. This poem is written in a way that achieves this.

The style of this poem, if interesting. It follows the same formatting as a normal poem, but it also tells of a story. I like it.

Where I rating this, I would give a 9 out of 10, for everything is never perfect, and even near perfect pieces still need work.

Nitpicks

The title tells "I am not a toy" but you show the narrator saying that she isn't a toy, but she is the one who is oblivious to the things he does. How did it come to this? She should be scared to lash out at him, so what made her change so drastically?

Rating for this section: 5 out of 10. trying to find out the meaning is hard, as you don't go into the reasoning of why she is so upset.

Favorites

"I am not a toy," I said.

You broke me before,

but now, I would have your head.

I didn't believe you anymore.

Hello there! I really enjoyed the imagery in this piece, simple and suggestive. The major issue I have is the rhythm of the poem. Making the lines look even is unimportant, the best way to understand keeping good rhythm is counting syllables. When you are done writing a stanza read it aloud to yourself, if you have to take long to say some lines than the flow of your poem is broken.

For example:

"I am not a toy," I said. (7)

Don't tell me those lies. (5)

You knew I was seeing red. (7)

You hurt me, this is your prize. (7)

Notice how three of your lines have a 7 syllable count, but that one line is a 5? When you read this out loud the syllables serve as a sort of tiny pause in your speech, it throws the reader off a little. You can try tricks with syllable counts just like rhyming patterns too--for instance.

A,B,A,B (Rhyming pattern) OR 7,5,7,5 (Syllable count)

If you wanted to get really creative you could try doing mixtures of both. One other small suggestion, try leaving punctuation out of the middle of the line, that also serves to break the rhythm. Also, excessive use of "I" or "You" lends unneeded focus on ownership, and distracts from the imagery you're trying to set up. Once the antagonist and protagonist have been established, try referring to them in unique ways. Another fun thing to try is not announcing them at all, and allowing the reader to determine what it is you are describing through your poem.

A very enjoyable read overall, keep up the good work!

I am not a toy," I said.
I stared you in the eyes.
I filled you with dread.
I was oblivious to your cries.

It's so dramatic. You packed such a powerful story into only a few stanzas. I really do enjoy rhyming. I have one suggestion to help the flow. Instead of "broke me before" I think "you broke me once before."

Sorry if I overstepped my boundaries! it is your poem (obviously) and you are in no way obligated to heed my suggestions.

Very lovely!

This is very good. i really like it. i love the way that you display anger. The poeam is strong and short, and easily shows a point.

I really like it all, especaly the," I am not a toy," part. This is very stong and drives the point home! Great job, keep writing.

Hi, and happy review day! I really loved this poem! I find it hard to show anger in poetry, and here you have done it so perfectly. I really like the repetition of the first line that ties in with your title. I love how your rhyme seems to flow so beautifully that I hardly noticed it was there.

The last line is very interesting, "You hurt me, this is your prize." This is a nice twist as a prize usually has a positive connotation and here you have made it sound like a bad thing, or a threat almost.

I also like the line: "You broke me before," as this goes with your title nicely. It gives an image of someone who cannot play with the toy anymore because they've broken it one too many times.

I really enjoyed this poem, nice work!

-Ruby-

Hey Ella! Alex here from the frozen icicles to review this work!
I like the repetition on the phrase "I am not a toy", I like how it could mean many deep things like, "Don't play with my emotions" or "I'm not going to break, I'm not a toy". All of which keeps the reader thinking.
Overall, you grammar, spelling and such is very good too! No problems!

Wow, that's amazing. The repetition was affective in this piece and I liked how every second and fourth line rhymed with each other. Making it something hard to forget, as that little rhyme will be stuck in my head.

Though it's short, it couldn't have been any better!

"You broke me before, but now, I would have your head." That's a scary line.

"I am not a toy." Is a great title to use, it explains the poem well.

It shows that people shouldn't have to put up with people treating them like a toy, they're humans too, they should be allowed to do what they want to do.

It tells a great message.

Great job and keep on writing

From LLZ:)

Now I'm curious what the prize is? Cause that you haven't posted in this poem. Or is it up to us to make something from the prize? That is nice, but this poem is so mysterious and I like it. ''I'm not a toy'' is really good thought from you, we humans are not a toy and we don't want that others are playing with our feelings.

''You broke me before'' is a sad line but strong and powerful at the same time. Another favorite line from me is: '' Don't tell me those lies '' I hate people that lie, it doesn't matter about what. But lies gives us pain and they hurt us.

''I was oblivious to your cries'' this one is another cool sentence from you, this makes the poem flowed really good. I love the title from this beautiful written piece and the image behind this one.

Keep posting;

Dazzle

Being in a 3rd world country, I can relate to having to fight for freedom.
I like the overall word play and rhythmic organization.
I wish it was longer because I really did enjoy reading it, hope to see more of your works soon.

This is a wonderfully dark poem that highlights not only on human strength, but on the strength of free will and the quest for freedom. I really like that this poem can be seen as an advocate again dating abuse. I could sit and think on this poem for hours and come up with a detailed story from it. That's what I look for in a poem.
Thank you for this great poem!! I love it!
Keep up the great writing!!

Oooo such seriousness. I enjoyed this poem very much. To me, it seems more like an excerpt from a story which I like very much. And like those below have stated, you did a great job conveying the narrator's anger and frustration. This angry person speaks to me, tells me how they feel, and then strikes me down for revenge for whatever it was I did. This could be used as a simulation that can end up as a different scenario for ever person that read this, I like pieces like that, this one one especially. The lovely narrator is truly not a toy. Well done.

~The dark one

Hello EllaBliss! I enjoyed reading this poem. It does a good job of conveying the narrator's feelings of frustration and anger.

"You broke me before." I like this line, because it compares the narrator to a toy, but also allows the reader to understand the pain of the narrator.

My suggestion is to maybe expand the poem. The message might be clearer if it explains what happened to the narrator just before the start of the poem. Also, the poem feels slightly repetitive, because it focuses on just a few ideas.
"Soon, you will definitely be dead." This line basically repeats a line from earlier in the poem. Perhaps something stronger could be put in its place to better show the narrator's feelings toward the person.

The poem is written very well, and it has a strong message. Keep writing!

Guess who... yeah, it's me. Boo.

I loved this poem! I'm just wondering... The first line of every stanza says "'I am not a toy,' I said", but then the rest of the stanzas are present tense. Is that a stylistic choice? Also, in line four of the first stanza, you said "I'm oblivious to you cries." I assume you meant "your" ?

Other than those two tiny things, there weren't any other things for me to nitpick. I was especially fond of the last line! Genius, my friend, pure genius. So, as always, keep writing!

-Ladcat