Young Writers Society

This poem creates a very vivid picture of pain and letting go of someone, when you're not ready yet.
MY FAVORITE STANZAS,
"What are you to do in the dark
When your world is crumbling to pieces and there is no escape?
Do you let your mind run from you
Or do you run away with your life into the darkness?

Falling to your knees, your pain shakes the ground.
Tears roll down your face while you beg for help.
The pain is felt throughout your soul,
The flame has left your body and those eyes have no fight. "

These stanzas create images in my mind and I love poems that can do that. The description of actions really moves the emotions of the reader's hearts.

This really touched me, because it's written with such a sadness at the beginning but in the end they found God and came back to him and I could just imagine the light that now filled her, the new happiness she regained it was a soft but beautiful light I smiled not only on the outside but the inside too. This poem gives a person a feel of the darkness the narrator has in the beginning but in the end that soft wonderful glow warms them to the core. I just loved this poem very, very much. Some of the lines where a little long so maybe shorten those out a little or something but don't change the words they are beautiful. Loved what you did and keep writing like this.
-Demora

I like this a lot. It seems to describe what most of today's high school and collage students seem to feel with all the pressure they're under. I really like the vocabulary that is used. (Words that many people don't use everyday.) I also like the religious point of view. It seems to make the story even more meaningful. Keep up your amazing work.

I feel that this is probably what some people probably feel. I really liked how you set it out, and i can't wait to hear more from you. You have used some very good vocabulary. I really enjoyed reading it, and I hope you enjoyed writing it too.
A big well done, and i hope you write more like it.
Gothgirl

Hello this is Innergy , I recommend that you make each stanza even. I find that when I write my poems that way they are much easier for me to transition into the next one. This poem flows well considering the imagery in it, I like the emotion in this as well because it fits what you are trying to convey in it.

"Falling to your knees, your pain shakes the ground.
Tears roll down your face while you beg for help.
The pain is felt throughout your soul,
The flame has left your body and those eyes have no fight."

This stanza struck me in a powerful way, I wonder if you are trying to express the lost of ones soul after struggling so hard to fight the pain or is the pain of crumbling feelings of hopelessness to hard to bear?

So far so good in the rest of the poem keep up the Good Work.

Hey, Elizabeth! Alliyah is here to review your wonderful poem!
So, I liked the format (good job sticking to a consistent 4 line per stanza style) and your word choice fit the piece well.
Some suggestions:

1st stanza-
2nd line "When your world is crumbling to pieces and there is no escape?" has a few too many words, visually and with the syllables. I would sugest changing it to "When your world crumbles (or just 'is crumbling') and there is no excape?" because I think the reader can understand that to crumble means to beak into pieces so the "to pieces" is redundant and unneeded. There are a few other places where I think you can take out a couple words here or there to fix the long lines.

2nd stanza-
I really love the first two lines in this one. Great job!
"Falling to your knees, your pain shakes the ground.
Tears roll down your face while you beg for help."
Visually, and emotionally engaging, the reader can picture them kneeling and feel the pain of the speaker.
I think in the last line: "The flame has left your body and those eyes have no fight." it sounds a little bit awkward, I think it'd be fixed if you changed around those last words to "... your body, the fight has left your eyes."

3rd stanza-
I think you could break up 1st and 2nd line to make them more even. And I would suggest changing the word "twirl" to a different harsher verb. Even 'spin' I think would fit the mood of the piece better.

4th stanza-
Just a little nit-pick I would suggest not using the words "ran" (3rd line) and "running" (4th) in the same stanza, but keep with your diverse word choice. Maybe change "running" to 'turning' the more variation you can add to a narative sort of poem the more interesting it is to read. But, this was another one of my favorite stanzas! Especially that first line in it.

5th & 6th stanzas-
I find it interesting that you stop referring to the character in the piece as 'you' and 'your' at this point but change to 'she' I'm not sure if this is intentional, but it does make a break and turning point in the poem. But I think it's good with illustrating the change that's coming over the character.
I know you want to keep that 4 lines a stanza thing, but I really must urge you to somehow break that 5th stanza up a little. The lines are almost twice as big as all the others, making it hard for the reader to hold their attention (poetically) through the whole line. Even if it means you have to add two lines by themselves I think it would be better than having the monster lines.

I appreciate your poem having a happy/hopeful ending because too many times I read these "sorrow type" poems and am left feeling sad at the end wondering "why did I just read that?" but this was a good ending and good message! Keep writing and thanks for posting
I hope I helped!!

~alliyah~

Hey Marrissa here leaving a quick review! First off I like to say I love this poem. It's very unique and something I would not expect by simply reading the title. I have a question though, is "Him" referred to God? Is your poem about God saving the girl from her pain, etc? If so, I really do like this poem, it's very touching and realistic for our generation today. Good job!