Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions Piece

EliteHusky wrote:Thomas began walking down Yorkshire Road when he suddenly noticed a very old lady trying to cross the street but have little success as the traffic was at it's peak this morning. He approached her and as he grew closer he noticed that she was carrying a dog leash, but the dog was nowhere to be seen. "Excuse me Mam? But are you trying to cross the street?" The old woman slowly turned her head in the direction of Thomas and murmured in a raspy tone, " My name is Alexandra Gimico and why yes young man, but my seeing dog will tell me when it's safe, no need to worry about me!" As Thomas quickly built up the courage to tell her that her dog had escaped he noticed a man motioning for him to come closer with his hands. It seemed like the man had recognized that he was extremely hesitant and cautious as he signalled his partner, a female in her twenties, to go towards him. Unaware that the old woman was still waiting for the dog, that would never move, to motion her across the street, he paid unwavering attention to the pair conversing in front of Stellar's Pub. As they finished what they had to say, he slowly became aware of the old woman again. " Mrs. Gimico, your dog isn't here anymore I think it has escaped from it's leash..." Confronted face to face at last Mrs. Gimico waved her hand up and down and began to scream " Sie übler Hund snatcher! Geben Sie mich hinter mein Hund jetzt gleich sonst Sie sind alle in für ein Stück von Gimico Zorn!" <<Finnish>> As Mrs. Gimico erupted in some sort of other language, Thomas slowly realized that the woman in her twenties was now tapping his shoulder in a ticktock manner. "What is wrong with you people!" he exclaimed loudly. "Why are you tapping my shoulder..." but before he could finish his sentence the woman motioned with her hands to be quiet. As he looked around he began to recognize that those who were wondering the busy streets with shopping bags had now stopped and he could feel all eyes pierce his body as if he was the one causing the disturbance, which of course was partially true. "I'm Elizabeth" she smiled, " That man in front of Stellar's Pub, thinks he may have found your grandmother's dog..." "She's not my grandmother..." At this Mrs. Gimico suddenly changed her tone. " I thought after all these years, your arrogance would wear and you would finally accept me as your grandmother." Thomas stepped back anxious to get away from these strange people as soon as he could, " I told you, I have no connection to this old woman! Who are you anyways?”

This is intriguing. I think it needs some work where structure is concerned - you need to divide it into paragraphs and it looks neater if you start a new line for speech. Also it's very short but I presume you'll be posting more later?

In general, you have some nice dialogue and an interesting plot but I think you need a little more description. Perhaps describe the busy traffic rather than just saying that it's at its 'peak' and a description of the area would be nice. 'Yorkshire Road' doesn't give much away. Here's a few small suggestions -

Thomas began walking down Yorkshire Road when he suddenly noticed a very old lady trying to cross the street but [s]have[/s] with little success as the traffic was at it's peak this morning.

"Excuse me [s]Mam[/s] Ma'am? But are you trying to cross the street?"

" Mrs. Gimico, [No space between the start of speech and 'Mrs'.] your dog isn't here anymore I think it has escaped from it's leash..."

" Sie [Again, no space.] übler Hund snatcher! Geben Sie mich hinter mein Hund jetzt gleich sonst Sie sind alle in für ein Stück von Gimico Zorn!"

As he looked around he began to recognize that those who were [s]wondering[/s] wandering the busy streets with shopping bags had now stopped and he could feel all eyes pierce his body as if he was the one causing the disturbance, which of course was partially true.

Overall, I think you've got a good start here and I'd certainly like to read more.