Honestly, as I was reading that piece I just kept thinking to myself "those are a lot of wishes." This is so hard for me to criticize because quite frankly and no offence to you at all, it is very dramatic but it is mostly chaotic. The character seems to be living in a world of regret and just raw depression. You certainly have a lot of your "ideas" clearly represented in this piece but it seems very loose. I found it difficult to connect areas together as it did not seem to lead to what you were going to write about next and if it did it would be very unclear and in a sense, random. Mind you that does not apply for the entire piece and I do consider it somewhat well done as a good poem should not be easily understood and your poem certainly fits the criteria of a good poem.
By the way:
break the spelll
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
I love how this begins, with the phrase in italics (I'm not sure whether to consider the quote as the start of the actual poem or as the preface to it). To me, it gives off the sense that the line itself is whining.
I wish that the "I wish" lines in the first actual stanza had led into each other a bit more. Yes, they all say something related to each other, but... it's like each phrase is accented, where I think it would be better as legato'd.
I am jealous of the linebreaks here ^^
Generally, I hate repetition. Here, I've forgotten it's included. Just letting you know that it's appreciated.
Something sounds off about "fossils of tenderness". Like it's old and dusty, ready to snap at any moment, and that may be true, but "fossils" seems to connotate something dry and boring. That's just me, though. I like the "inheritance of knives" bit.
Perfect ending. Of course.
There's something big here, and it annoys me that I can't quite get at it. But, I suppose, that's a good thing.
I enjoyed this. A few suggestions:
I'm not sure whether I like this or not. Personally I found it sounded awkward in my mouth, and I'm questioning whether the effect is worth the cost of the reader's momentary faltering.
This is beautiful. Maybe remove "an". It's absence lends it a slight, yet smooth quickening of pace that is nicer on the ears.
This is cliché.
While a pleasing concept, I don't think it's removal would be of any detriment to your poem. While the ashes and the "nothing left to remember" may have been interrelated, I think this could be better achieved simply by allowing the third stanza to speak for itself.
I find it difficult to determine in the first two stanzas, whether this "love" is an on-going business, whether it is past and the writer is simply reminiscing, or whether it ends by the third stanza. I'm wondering whether or not changing the line to something like this would remove any uncertainties:
"I wish our love was not like bruises,
blooming every time we touched."
Or something of that nature. This also strengthens the correlation between the end of the second stanza and the beginning of the third.
Remove "And". Perhaps replace it with "There".
Money seems too materialistic in a poem of this nature. I suggest you remove/replace it.
Otherwise, well done.
Cheers,
Cameron
Brad, I didn't have a problem connecting anything together here, and I thought it was probably the most powerful and moving poem you've written. The chaos and confusion others had probably means they didn't look close enough. I love how each image can be seen as both its own poignant vignette and a contribution to the overall theme. I'll try to give comments as I go through it.
That's an amazing way to begin a poem. The quote is appropriate for what follows, and your response to Cleo is crushingly priceless, as usual.
At first, the idea of being a directory of desired things and locations seemed old to me, and also confusing, since one doesn't usually ask for both directions and recipes, but then
is just gorgeous, and a magnificent response to the opening quote. I love the African/ethnic theme throughout this piece, and how you conjure (no pun) images of magic in the simplest of things. This sent chills up my spine as it gave me both a feel for what "recipes" you were talking about (getting superstitious in your old age, are you?) and unified the recipe with the map/atlas.
The comma at "...missing you," is initially distressing. However, after reading this so many times, I think it's a great way to point out how the saddest things are in what we consider beautiful.
Wow.Perfect enjambment here.
Again, this is a fantastic response to Madame Zulu (I keep thinking of Josephine Baker, by the way), and how black magic requires the careful procession of action and words.
As an image by itself, this one is fairly weak, but I think you saved it with the slight reference to Ouija boards and divination.
The bloom/burning contrast here appeals to me. Since I know my grandmother used to talk about spells and stuff, the first sentence sounds exactly like the consequences of one of the curses you would put on people (except it misfired, I'm guessing, since you don't know the techniques or the way to say things). Then "burn[ing] an oak to ash" is a majestic display at how poorly the N understands his craft--I'm sure you're probably aware how the Oak is considered the first tree, the one God created first, by the Druids and many other pagan cultures, and its uses as a place of worship. This is so complex, I'm not even sure I understand all of what you're saying, but I'm sure someone will.
I love this! The remnants of religion fleeing from man, and not the other way around...
This is sad.
So much superstitious references, and I love how you've taken the idea of love and magic and recreated it in terms of a clumsy caster.
beautiful.
This is a great return to the start. I'm always floored at how your poetry meets itself at the end, even if it isn't always in the most explicit way possible.
Overall, this has been one of the best poems you've ever written, and I can tell, despite your comment, that you really put a lot into this. It's such a refreshing change of pace from the rest of the threads!
Um...It kind of confuses me to some extent. It sounds kind of like a love poem, but at the same time a heart break poem. Perhaps it is a love poem gone ary?
There was only one thing I really didn't like -- how repeatative it seemed. "I wish I had learned" stood out so much in the first stanza that it started to get on my nerves. As it moved on, it got better though.
I really liked the way your first stanze kind of melted into the second. I don't know why, but that intrigued me in a way.
Good job and Happy Writing!
~Bella*Maria~
Elitehusky,
Thanks for comments and sorry for the chaos. =]
Cheers,
Suzanne,
An astute observation re: life in my recent poetry--namely, there is none. [I'm well on my way to quitting the habit altogether, as it were]. Sorry this didn't touch or inspire you at all; I suppose my only response could be that all I've ever done is write for me and, simply by using the tools of the trade, cloaked it. Now that you've all grown up and gotten so smart, you realize the Master never knew what he was talking about--truth is a miscommunication, after all.
Grazie,
author13--
Thank you for the surely undeserved praise.
Take care,
Brad
I like it, and I found myself singing-yes singing-it in my head. I'm not even going to try to explain why I think its good because I'll just end up getting it wrong and making a fool of myself.
Main purpose for comment:
To say this:
If I were good at poetry this is the kind of poem I would write, same with songs, I wish I could write a song this intense.
This is beautiful. I love your metaphors, and you have such a mastery of language. You always have. But what do you want your audience to feel/think/believe/do after they read this? It isn't written to me (the reader) it is written for you. It evokes no emotion in me (apart from my amazement at your use of language) and so I don't like it. I know you're a good poet, but some of the things you are writing now seem to lack life, and vibrant emotion, and more than anything, they encourage nothing me it. It brings nothing out of me and it gives me nothing. I'm not sure how you could fix this. I think it is a matter of subject matter, and writing about something that your reader can associate with and understand. Or I have no idea what I am talking about.