"Can you swim?” Igor yelled to his companions over the crashing of the waves against the side of the plane as Thomas and Charlie clasped to the edges of the window and sheltered their eyes.
After [s]mere[/s] moments which seemed [s]like[/s] to be an eternity, Charlie nodded and carefully began exiting the window [s]first[/s] while Igor positioned himself to carry [s]hims[/s] Charlie on his back. Rows [s]upon rows[/s] of swimmers were heading towards the rope ladders of the Hungarian ship, which was having problems [s]of its own[/s] trying to stay balanced against the heavy currents. Although they had tried to position itself to shield the plane from those exact currents, the anchors were wearing and the ship was slowly veering towards the plane in what surely would sink them both completely. [This last sentence is awkward and unclear. Either make it clearer or get rid of it, you probably don't need the whole thing about the currents. It's almost info-dumpy]
After climbing the ropes and [s]having[/s] getting Charlie delivered safely to the deck of the ship, Thomas and Emma watched as Igor turned to jump [s]once more[/s] again, only to have his shoulder dragged back aggressively by a much older crew mate[s] in uniform who appeared to be his superior[/s].
“Igor, you are wanted below.” The man said sternly [s]before[/s]and turn[s]ing[/s]ed to look down at Thomas and Emma with [s]little[/s] contempt [s]in his pale and cold-hearted face[/s].
“But sir! Huskies travel in packs! let me rescue those below,” Igor finished in Hungarian. [does it really matter what language he is speaking?]
The man turned his head briefly to his left revealing [s]his[/s] a gray goatee and murmured, “The ship is getting crowded, if we don’t leave now we too will [s]soon[/s] become crippled.” Igor continued to stare as he watched his teacher and master [s]continue to[/s] walk along the black grates that lay among the deck.
“Are the others coming?” Igor shouted towards his master [s]but it was useless he had taken the staircase down and [/s] no answer came because he was beyond the range of hearing. “Pentele,” [s]he[/s] Igor called out to the boy beside him.
“You [s]are[/s] look distraught Igor,” he murmured wiping his pale face with his right hand.
“I want you to head downstairs and take over for me. Do you understand?” Pentele bowed [s]as he picked up his scarlet towel from the deck [/s]and [s]began heading[/s] headed towards the staircase.
[s]Jogging briefly on the spot[/s] Igor refocused his concentration [s]on the task at hand[/s] knowing that if he hurried[s],[/s] more lives would be spared, and with that [s]in mind[/s] he [s]proceeded to[/s] dived into the freezing waters below.
He gulped breath after breath of [s]fresh[/s] salty [just a suggestion] air as he swam closer towards the plane and received the girl second. [recieved the girl second? im really not sure what you're trying to say. try reprasing that.] Thomas looked on as he carefully clung to the side of the window for support. More water was entering the plane and it was getting [s]increasingly[/s] [its not necessary (or wise) to use adjectives just for the sake of using adjectives. sometimes the sentence quite simply doesn't need it] harder to remain upright against the vigorous currents, currents that would inevitably swallow the metal frame.
Back on the ship’s deck, chaos was at its height [wordy] as small group of students [s]were not heading[/s]who would not head downstairs without their friends finally [s]giving[/s]gave in to the pleas of[s] some[/s] members of the Hungarian crew. [what? you need to elaborate on what is going on, or leave it out completely. the reader has no clue who the students are, why they are resisting, where their friends are, ect.]
After leaving Emma in the safety of another crewmate [s]aboard the ship[/s], Igor[s], made what he hoped would be his final dive and[/s] once again plummeted [s]head first[/s] into the frigid sea [s]below[/s].
Thomas looked behind him [s]in surprise only to discover[/s] shocked that everybody else [who is everybody else?] had made it safely onto the ship above.
“Get on my back,” Igor said as he swam closer to him, beginning to feel the effects of exhaustion. [who is feeling the effects of exhaustion? igor or thomas? specify, and if its igor then why in the world would he endager his life and thomas' life by putting thomas on his back?]
Thomas nodded [s]cautiously as he lowered his head to observe the moving water below[/s] and began to exit the window. [s]Then[/s]Suddenly the plane shook, [s]jolting[/s]throwing him [s]out and[/s] into the sub-zero water. Had the Hungarian ship collided? Air bubbles were rising to the surface as he struggled to [s]move[/s] swim away. The ship was sinking, but in such a manner that he would have sworn it was a submarine.[too wordy again, and over all just an awkward sentence] Igor called out to Thomas angrily as the plane began to be sucked down[s] by the enormous water displacement the ship had caused.[/s] They quickly reached out to grab one of the few remaining rope ladders as the sound of the ship’s [s]awakening[/s] engine filled the air. [s]Despite being a member of the Hungarian crew Igor’s face was blazing with fury and shock. [/s]
“Bajnok!” he screamed as their ladders [s]began to be[/s]were raised swiftly.
Climbing up the railings to the deck, Igor quickly [s]thanked the men at the ladders and[/s] rushed Thomas down the staircase as the [s]Hungarian[/s] ship became shrouded under the darkness of the sea.
Ok, well you have a tendency to be slightly infodumpy. This means you say stuff that isn't relevent to the plot and overall doesn't really matter to the story. Don't worry, it's common. I do the same thing sometimes. My advice to you read over your work and eliminate anything that isn't absolutely necessary to your plot. We don't care about the cloth that the random man dropped onto the deck (unless of course your main character trips on it and falls into the water and is promptly eaten by sharks, then we care very much). Also, this type of story would work better in first person. Much much better actually. It's your call though.
Points: 890
Reviews: 114
Donate