David and Dante Chapter 6: Basilisks of Bellwood

Thank you for your comment. This chapter is almost impossible to understand without first reading the Prologue and following chapters in order. If you think of it as a novel, then the importance of order becomes apparent. Otherwise I share your confusion, having too read later chapters of other writers, and thank you for reading nonetheless.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky

Hello.

I will be blunt and say I didn't get very far in this. I got about nine paragraphs down before I was very tempted to click away. I clicked the "reply" button instead, to give you my thoughts.

I have scanned two previous chapters of this, trying to find a reason for this man to be so very scared of Dante. The only logical explanation I can think of is Dante showed he is a man to be contended with, and I assume by physical force. Yet I could not find a fight scene where Dante gave the character a reason to be scared. In fact, I could not even find the place where he caught up with the person who is now on the ground.

This break in action might be caused by the fact I only skimmed previous chapters, but I did pay as close attention to the end of chapter 4, and the place Dante leaves in chapter 5. I couldn't find where he met up with this guy, or did anything that would make him scared enough to say all that. This is a problem, because it breaks flow in your chapters and leaves readers confused. Always summarize what happens between chapters unless it's very, very obvious what happened.

Even if you did have a reason for this man to be so scared of Dante, why would he give away his employer, his reason for being there... basically why would he say anything at all if he's a hired killer? Hired killers want to escape to try again, or be killed if not given an escape than give away anything. Unless this guy is incredibly stupid, and he probably wouldn't have survived as a hired killer if he was, he'd want to keep the target in the dark about the plan against them. Even if this hired killer doesn't have any loyalty to their employer, admitting to be on the job would mean instantly getting caught, dragged to jail, and possibly killed for their crimes (or, at the very least, getting a reputation for ratting clients out if they ever got out of jail).

Also, trained killers usually had some fighting skills. I would not expect this hitman to go down without a fight, which you have happening right here. As cool as it looks and as powerful as it makes your character look (almost too powerful. If they're just so powerful a hardened mercenary is cowering in fear, they're probably a Gary Stu or perfect character) it does not make a lot of logical sense.

Overall, I'd look more into how hitmen work and the kind of logic that goes along with being a hired killer, and rewrite the scene accordingly so it makes sense.

Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

EliteHusky wrote:Basilisks of Bellwood

“Now we can do this my way, or the hard way,” Dante boasted, as he brought the man outside. “If anyone is stalking this house, let this be a lesson!”

He dropped the intruder in a small muddy clearing.

“Declare your intentions, and please try to do so loudly.”

“My name is Roberto Mancini!” The man cried out.

“Go on…” Dante waited.

“I was sent to kill you!” Roberto continued.

“Me?” Dante said, taken aback. “Not my brother, not our family?”

“Nope. Just you Dante!” The man cried, spitting to the side.

“Then why poison my brother!”

“It was like eating peanuts, you couldn’t stop at one and besides that would leave a trace for the proper authorities to bust my hump! He was your fill in while you went to receive your little girly weapon! Pink was the colour I believe!”

Roberto’s eyes remained open and alert, while he lay sprawled out on the ground.

“Do you hear something outside?” Lindsay asked, as she and David continued to watch over Anton.

David listened closely.

“Could be Dante.”

“Could have been you Dante!” Roberto suggested. “Man you’ve grown since I first met you.”

“I don’t know you,” Dante said bitterly.

“Think back Dante. When your father was alive. You opened the door for me…”

Roberto could see Dante trying to relive the memory.

“Your father shooed you away. That was the same day your mom died remember?”

“You just made a fatal mistake pal. Leave my parents out of this.”

“What are you going to do, shoot me, again?”

“Not today,” Dante smiled as he lifted Roberto up and onto the smooth roof of his navy-blue Bugatti Veyron.

“Maybe I should use, David’s car… nah, he’s suffered enough for today,” Dante laughed to himself.

It was a quick but smooth drive to the outskirts of the forest. Dante drove with precision to avoid his untied cargo slipping off prematurely. Finally, he made a sharp U-turn and initially proceeded to drive back to his brother’s new residence. Yet, despite losing Roberto, Dante could not lose the words he said. That was the same day your mom died.

“I am so going to hate myself for doing this…” He murmured under his breath, making another u-turn back to the forest.

Roberto tried to get to his feet, but collapsed back onto the earth. Spotting lights ahead, he tried to raise his chest further upright but collapsed once more.

“Don’t tell me that fall killed you!” Dante exclaimed simultaneously leaving the vehicle. Roberto was dressed with so many layers that it was hard to detect breathing.

He kneeled over the man’s chest and listened to his heart.

Seizing his opportunity, Roberto used both arms to grab Dante around the neck and hold him in position.

“Everything is not as it seems….” He grunted softly, releasing his hold as Dante slid out.

“Who are you?” Dante asked.

“I am David’s godfather Dante,” Roberto coughed, as a chilly breeze swept past them.

“I need to get some sleep,” Dante said to himself.

“You can sleep as much as you like but your brother wants you dead. Just as your father wanted your mother dead.”

“So he killed our mother? Is that what you’re telling me now? My own father?” Dante exclaimed.

“I killed your mama under your father’s orders Dante. Your brother wanted me to make you next on my list in exchange for two items from your father’s jewellery and anything you had on your possession at the time of death.”

Dante raced back to his vehicle. The wheels effortlessly started moving forward as Roberto looked on before losing consciousness. Dante accelerated towards Roberto’s body.

Anton awoke clutching his heart.

“Christ what happened!” He exclaimed, looking first towards David before turning to face Lindsay.

“You had an overdose,” Lindsay explained.

Anton sat up and examined his nails.

“You sure that’s all that happened?” He said somewhat sarcastically looking at the flakes of paint jammed in his nails.

“We suspect you were scratching too near to the lighting controls on the third floor,” David answered, as he sat beside Anton.

“Plus they had a burglar break in,” Lindsay added, rummaging through her purse.

“You don’t say,” Anton replied, wiping his forehead. “You just moved in here and you already have your first break in attempt?”

“Dante and I suspect we’re being targeted. There are a lot of people, who if they knew we were still alive, would like to change that.”

“What drug did you take?” Lindsay asked, looking at Anton’s face.

“Nothing pharmaceutical, just a plant that grows near these parts. I saw some growing outside your cabin.”

David’s interest surged. “Cabin, Lindsay?” He asked in his smooth and clear voice.

“It’s just a small place connecting my urban home to these rural parts,” She answered quickly, giving Anton a last glance. David looked on intrigued.

Dante continued driving past David’s mansion, suddenly realizing he had left some items behind.

“What time is it?” Anton asked.

“Two o’clock” David replied checking his watch. He turned his wrist and opened his palm. The blister was healed.

A horn broke the momentary silence.

“That’s from Dante’s car…” David recalled, rising to his feet.

“Can you walk?” He asked Anton.

“Yeah, I think so.”

Anton and Lindsay followed him down the staircase to the ground floor. Dante continued pressing the horn vigorously until the front door opened and his brother stepped out onto the dirt.

“Is everything alright?” David asked, as he walked closer to the vehicle.

Anton and Lindsay observed from the doorway as Dante exited the Bugatti Veyron.

“What ever happened to mother bro?” He asked, as David crossed his arms.

“She died,” David replied in a teary voice before clearing his throat.

Dante looked down at the dirt he was standing on.

“Why are you bringing this up Dante?”

He looked up at David and instantly felt the urge to kill him on the spot. So many questions were in his head.

“Dante?” David pressed

“I have to ask you a question that requires your typical David the good-guy honesty okay?”

“Shoot.”

“Did Orlando assassinate our mother?”

There was a moment of silence. “Yes, yes he did,” David answered.

“Why did you keep it from me!” Dante demanded. He realized there was truth in Roberto’s words.

“Let’s talk inside.”

“No, let’s not!”

“Dante…”

Dante rammed his brother with his head. Anton groaned with empathy as Lindsay ran out the door.

“Break it up boys.”

Dante was now on top of his brother as they wrestled in the mud.

“He did it for our sake!” David shouted

“What the hell does that mean!” Dante replied, as they started rolling away from the vehicle.

“She was consuming too much.”

“How do you know this?” Dante asked as the rolling came to a halt.

Lindsay emerged, spraying their faces briefly.

“Does that stuff ever expire?” They heard Anton ask, as their eyes started burning.

“Follow me if you want a faucet,” Lindsay directed the two brothers.