David and Dante Chapter 1 - Meeting the Medici

Thank you for your comment, changes have been made concerning basic punctuation. The flashback is not meant to be too revealing and key pieces information still remain temporarily hidden. Plus, the flashback takes time to reveal, time in which David is still re-living that moment. Hence his brother, Dante, is able to recover and make it upstairs in time to ruin the flashback with that sedation.

Waking up is meant to signal a passage in time. Hence the change in scenery after Dante places his brother next to a tied sheep. That action was never intended to be written clearly, but rather known through David gaining consciousness and finding those items including his brother's phone.

Gah, I was going to reply to this ages ago. Then I didn't. Oops.

Anyway, the name's Rach, and I'll be critiquin' today.

First, the opening to this was awesome. Instantly, I wanted to know why his brother was sedated, what the relationship between these two brothers was, who "she" was, what had happened.

Then, cue big chunk of flashback/backfill that took all my interest in it away. Suddenly there was no rush or urgency or anything to make me think that something was out of the norm, and I was beginning to lose interest. Those are huge paragraphs of exposition, and you'd be far better off interspersing that information here and there throughout the chapter, and throughout the novel, rather than frontloading it and ruining the appeal of your opening.

Also, I'm super confused. One minute, David's in a mansion or something, and his brother comes and stabs him. The next, he's out in some farm place, and everything's all cool between him and his brother. Unless sedating each other is really how they entertain themselves, you'd think it'd be a bit of a bigger deal. After staring at the transition for a while, I finally did figure out what Dante sedated him to get him out to this dinner thing, but you could explain that a little better. Nothing blatant, just adding some tension between the dialogue and more notes here and there that David didn't want to come would do.

Another also: this is really long, and you have big, thick paragraphs of people relating ancient tales. This, too, you can intersperse throughout the novel.

And on a similar note, I think you should split this into two chapters, because a whole heck of a lot happens for just one chapter. Brothers knocking each other out, dinners in strange places, etc. Or, you could take out most of the backstory about their father (that's juicy stuff. Unless you've got even juicer stuff, don't play the whole hand so early) and concentrate on this Lorenzo and Nastassia and the strange things in the night.

And, finally, two last, small things. One, you describe a lot of things that don't really mean anything. Not really important for the reader to know the color of the shirts and the color of the couch and such, and the adjective-noun pairings kind get a rhythmic lilt to them after a while when they come up everywhere--and I don't think rhythmic lilt's what you're going for.

Two, you punctuate basic dialogue with a comma, not a period. So,

“You’re right.” David concluded.

EliteHusky wrote:Meeting the Medici

David entered the fully furnished mansion carrying his sedated brother in both arms. He used his back to push the armoured front door shut before gently placing Dante on the brown leather sofa in front of him.

“You bastard.” Dante mumbled weakly.

David took a seat across from him on a black leather loveseat. He removed the injection tool from the space between his forefinger and thumb, before brushing his hair back nervously with both hands.

“If she finds out how exactly you survived….” Dante was asleep.

David sighed before standing up to unbutton his dark green dress shirt. He quickly ran up the spiral staircase to the second floor with the shirt in his right hand. He stopped as soon as he realized he need to refresh his memory on the layout of which room had what purpose. Removing a folded piece of paper from the back pocket of his dark blue jeans, he continued walking towards the first bathroom.

Three years earlier while Dante was in London, David was busy calling architects and placing orders for the construction of a mansion in Tuscany. The task was to be especially difficult when it came to securing electricity and water but David’s father had left his two sons a fortune including contacts with the Italian government. Such was the position of Orlando Medici, American lawyer turned advisor to the Italian Prime Minister. Initially Orlando had been selected to accompany President Wilson to the Paris Peace Conference in 1919 and was fortunate enough to become introduced to members of the Italian delegation. When Wilson succumbed to a series of growing headaches, Orlando was no longer under the watchful eye of his elder. A few years later, prior to the Great Depression, he had secured transportation to Italy to advise a number of Prime Ministers ever fearful of their precedent’s short-term being an ominous sign. Both David and Dante we born when their father was sixty-eight, their mother, also deceased, was thirty-six at the time.

David dropped his shirt on the polished wooden floor as tears bubbled in his eyes. When David and his brother were ten, Orlando was still alive but had secretly arranged for his wife’s assassination. A secret, never revealed to his brother Dante. David had cemented that memory. It was a rainy day, but he could still hear someone knocking on the door. Dante was very young at that time, and decided to open it for himself. Their father, being significantly more elderly, appeared shortly after Dante opened the door and shooed him away. David stood discreetly as his brother was shooed away. Curious to see if this stranger was staying, David hid himself behind a wall where he could still partially see and hear the conversation.

“You know what to do?” His father said in perfect Italian.

David discreetly watched his father hand the man a clump American currency. Orlando had travelled between Italy and the United States after the post-war years to maintain his ownership of his father’s home. During that progress he had become integral to mobster crime in Chicago, transferring funds while having paid workers track down those who owed interest. An ironic fate for a man who had once risen to the rank of a prestigious lawyer.

“Your son seems nice. Will he mind?”

“Dante… nah… money will fill in where his mother failed.”

Shortly afterwards David looked out his bedroom window to see his mom returning home from her trip to a coffee house. The next thing he remembered was crying as he witnessed a car drive into her. The driver, the very man Dante had opened the door for before his father had shooed him away.

Wiping away the tears, David returned to the present. He suddenly felt a painful stab in his exposed right shoulder. His fell to the ground as his legs were kicked out from under him. A needle lay next to his exposed abs as the sedation moved quickly through his body.

Standing above him Dante smirked. “Next time you try to sedate me brother. Use a stronger dose.”

David awoke to the feeling of something wet on his chest. The once bright sky was now pitch black save the speckled starlight. He turned his head to see a lone sheep licking his stomach. Rolling to his right, he evaded the consequent attempted lick. It was then that he noticed the light from a small farm cabin. As he approached the window, he could make out Dante’s voice talking.

“And then I said to David. David! You’ll upset the Peckletons if you don’t show up! But he just kept on sleeping…”

“What a shame he isn’t here.” The male voice David recognized as Lorenzo’s replied.

“So he’s still asleep?” The voice of Nastassia asked.

David turned around and proceeded to return to the mansion for his clothes when he noticed something peculiar. The sheep previously licking his bare chest was struggling to move from the same spot. Thinking the animal was injured he walked back to the sheep.

“Oh Dante….” He said upset at his brother’s scheme. The sheep was strapped to a bag evidently heavier than it was.

David opened the bag and found that his green shirt had been washed before being placed alongside a box of chocolates, a bottle of fine Italian wine, a black pinstriped tie, and a cell phone with only Dante’s number as the contact. He untied the bag from the sheep’s side and proceeded to put on the dress shirt and tie. Grabbing the rest of the bag, he then abruptly ran to the light coming from the Peckletons dinner event.

“Excuse me for a moment.” Dante said warmly, as he placed the fork back on his plate. His cell phone was vibrating wildly. The rest of the Peckletons listened closely as he answered the call.

“Hello? Oh who am I kidding I have caller ID, hello David. Nice to see you’ve woken up… hold on its for you.” Dante passed the phone to Lorenzo.

“Hello David. Would you like to join us? It’s not too late to stop by for our dinner.”

A gentle knock was heard on the wooden door.

Lorenzo returned the phone to Dante as he walked a short distance to open the door. Despite the large area of farmland owned by the Peckletons they enjoyed having a house, though it more resembled a hut, for each purpose. Hence this dinner table was held in a wooden cabin that had been furnished with a dining table, lighting, and safety lock on the door to prevent wild animals from simply pushing the door open. Lorenzo placed the door’s chain lock to the side as he cautiously opened the door.

Dante curiously observed his brother holding the bottle of wine and box of chocolates he had left him. The bag had likely been discarded, as he could not locate it on David.

“Glad you could join us.” Lorenzo greeted David, stepping aside. “Please come in.”

Nastassia gave David a warm smile as her mother discreetly watched Dante.

“Thank you for your invitation. These are for you.” David spoke sincerely as he handed Lorenzo the gifts Dante had left him. He smiled at his brother, who had taken of his jacket and was wearing a black dress shirt with matching tie. Dante returned the favour with a wink.

“However….” David continued, as everyone now stared at him. “I believe it’s time I brought my brother home.”

“But you just got here!” Nastassia protested.

“Yes brother! Let’s stay a while longer!” Dante echoed as he raised a glass of water in the air. “To new friends!” He cheered. Everyone but David followed suit, even Lorenzo picked up his glass to express gratitude.

“It’s dangerous at night.” Nastassia’s father continued. There was a pause in which David thought Lorenzo saw something in his expression.

“You know don’t you….” Lorenzo said after dragging a wooden stool by the table to serve as a spare chair.

Dante took another sip of water from his clear glass.

“You’re right.” David concluded.

“Excuse me….” Dante intruded. “There’s danger out here at night?” Something wasn’t right. David knew more than he was letting on.

Lorenzo nodded.

“Out here?” Dante repeated in disbelief.

“You don’t know?” Lorenzo asked.

“Please explain.” Dante replied.

Lorenzo and David both sat beside each other as the elderly man began recounting his tale.

“As I’m sure you all know. I am pretty old. To be precise my age is seventy one.”

“Oh honey that’s not old.” His wife objected. “Your uncle Bill lived to a hundred and five!”

“Yes, yes, very well. The point is,” Lorenzo continued. “I have seen and heard many things in all my time spent on this farmland. Whatever you do, do not go in the forest which borders this pasture at night.”

“There’s something in the forest?” Dante murmured. He had stopped touching his food or drink. Much to everyone’s surprise, save Lorenzo, David answered his brother.

“The original Peckletons used to bury their dead at the border of the forest. Supposedly the dead have been trying to return for about as long as the practice has been sustained.”

“And how do you know this.” Dante continued, glaring at his brother.

“I did some research before we moved here.” David said before adding, “but there’s more.”

“Don’t speak of such things at this hour!” Nastassia’s mother objected.

“Knowledge is the best defence should such things exist which I believe they do.” Lorenzo continued. “As David said, our ancestors have been burying the dead since they moved here. A while ago, shortly during the plague in the late middle ages, our ancestors were far more numerous, and as such the dead grew so plentiful that some of the bodies were left closer to our pasture from the forest. It was then that sightings grew of outcasts who would feast on the decaying flesh at night, using the light of the full moon to plan be more efficient. These outcasts were radicals who believed in the power of nature versus God, hence they believed consuming human flesh would give them the strength of the human they consumed.”

“Makes me sick every time you tell that story.” Nastassia murmured.

“So these people from the late middle ages are still running havoc in the forest even though we are in the twenty-first century?” Dante inquired.

“Not exactly. After our ancestors spotted this horrendous behaviour, we suspected they were demons and shoved bricks into the mouths of those we caught.”

David and Dante both flinched at the thought.

“How many did your ancestors catch?” Dante asked, breaking a piece of bread to dip into the cheese curd mixture.

“The number has been altered over generations. Partially to boost honour, but generally I believe the accurate figure is in the twenties.”

“Have these sightings continued?” David spoke up.

“So many questions. How about this, I will finish telling you what I know from the stories my father, uncle, and grandfather told me and then you can ask the questions.”

Everyone was quiet.

#BF0040 ">“Thank you. When I was ten, bear in mind I am no longer talking about my ancestors. I was digging near the outskirts of the forest after what appeared to be the hilt of a sword. I found a sword alright, the problem was that it was embedded in a human skull. After telling my family, my grandfather spoke of a man who had escaped from a slave plantation. My father met the man near the sight the sword was found and claimed to have killed him for disobedience. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth, and it was only until I was sixteen that he confessed he had made that story up and that the skull which I found, likely dated back to the middle ages. He told me what I have just told you, but spoke of seeing someone digging near the outskirts of the forest, as if still searching for human bodies. He then told me never to go near the forest at night, as sheep that often wandered there were never found again. When I was thirty four, and I remember this as if it were yesterday, I finally decided to wander into the forest at night. What I saw scared the wits out of me. There were signs that someone had been disturbing the ground fairly recently. Dirt was piled up and hole, big enough for a human, was carved out of the Earth. I then heard howling and I as turned to flee, I could hear the sound of beating on the soil. Footsteps. I wanted to go back to the safety of my family, but I was curious at the same time. I ran and quickly hid behind a tree. I looked out into the direction I had heard the footsteps coming but my vision was impaired by the darkness. After waiting what felt like five minutes, I turned around to go home but stopped as soon as I felt a human hand on my right shoulder.”

Lorenzo demonstrated what he meant by trying to put his left hand on his right shoulder. “I looked behind me and saw the face of a man that resembled my grandfather’s. It was not him but it sure looked as if we were related. I could hear footsteps again and the man whispered directions into my ear. Left. Right. Straight. Right. Straight. I ran until I came arrived home, and when I woke up the next day, my right shoulder had a rash on it. After telling my father, he reminded me of the helpful spirits which often protected our Christian ancestors and suggested that I was lucky not to be eaten alive by some Chimera. I knew he was kidding, but I also knew that the forest couldn’t sustain large life forms due to the lack of edible vegetation. Ever since that encounter I avoided going out at night for fear of not returning.”

Dante looked impressed. “That happened a long time ago, surely whoever you saw is likely gone by now. However, I must complement you on the vivid details of your story. How about we share some of ours?”

“You have stories?” Nastassia said sceptically.

“Show some respect Nastassia. These are decedents of the people who gave our ancestors this land.”

“That is only because they were too busy ruling everywhere else in Italy.” Dante added. “We are Medici.” Dante said, looking at David before glancing at Nastassia. “Regardless of what has been told, we are alive.”

“How?!” Thundered a sudden objection.

They all looked around to see who had spoken up, but the voice was neither of theirs.
“Did you just hear that?” David asked for reassurance. He gestured with his thumb that the noise came from the window’s direction.

“Whose there!” Dante shouted as he stood up.

There was silence.

“Stay that way!” He exclaimed, sitting back down.

“Is there anyone else on this land?” David pressed suddenly remembering the two hikers he passed on the edge of the forest.

“Not that I know of no. The construction team building your home all left weeks ago.” Nastassia nervously spoke.

“I knew we shouldn’t have started talking of the dead.” Nastassia’s mom jumped in.

David checked his watch. It was a family heirloom since the original thermometer models were perfected to display the day, time, and temperature in a digital readout. It was currently ten degrees Celsius or fifty degrees Fahrenheit. Temperature was usual for the area.

“Is it possible we heard a hiker who was attracted by the lighting?” He continued.

“I’ll go check outside.” Lorenzo said, getting up. Before he could open the door David raised an important question Dante had forgotten to ask.

“If you never travel out at night, how do you commute between buildings?”

Nastassia’s mom stood up, furious at where this was going. “This is just ridiculous. We get into our respective bedrooms before it gets dark. If one of us has to use the bathroom at night, we walk a shortly to the outhouse. It’s nowhere near the edge of the forest.”

“She’s right.” Lorenzo added. “I forgot to clarify that we do sometimes go out at night, but only when nature calls and even then we always walk with a weapon.”

“You take a weapon to the bathroom?” Dante blurted out, with a look of disgust on his handsome face.

“To be fair anything can count as a weapon.” Nastassia replied, holding up a piece of cutlery before adding, “as I’m sure you remember the last time we met.”

Dante winced at the memory. Lorenzo continued to open the front door.

“Lorenzo no!” David exclaimed intuitively, rising to his feet in the blink of an eye. He quickly hurled his body towards the door. The door slammed shut as he quickly locked it with the chain.

Something suddenly collided into the door. Much to everyone’s surprise the chain held the door firm after it gave way an inch. The wooden boards composing the door’s halfway point were broken inward, revealing the darkness outside.

“What the hell was that?” Dante said, rising to his feet.

He protruded his cell phone and proceeded enter a number.

“Yeah, Anton it’s me I need you to trace this phone call on your phone’s app and meet Diana as soon as possible.” He then quickly flipped the phone closed, then back open again. “Diana hi. This is Dante. When you get this message I need you pick up Anton and drive to the location he traces my call to. David and I will need a vehicle before one of us gets assassinated trying to walk home.”

“Who are you calling?” Nastassia asked, as Dante pocketed his phone.

“Close friends of the family.” He replied, hesitantly looking at David. “Speaking of improvised weapons… any chance this cabin is hiding more?”

“Not likely.” Lorenzo said, nervously looking at the door. “Luckily I always walk with this thing.”

Everyone watched as he reached into his trouser pockets and produced a small pocketknife.

“Save it dad.” Nastassia replied, reaching into her leather boots. She pulled out a flat rectangular metal blade with no handle.

“Where’d you get that from?” Her mother interrupted

“They were selling them in London when I went, always keep one on me as the other side doubles as a file for my toenails.”

Dante winced at the thought of Nastassia using the back of the rectangular blade.

“Well we can’t simply wait for our friends to get here.” David interjected. “Here’s what I propose….”

#4000FF ">Ten minutes late, Lorenzo unlocked the door. He opened it fully, carefully positioning himself behind the door and the wooden wall. Dante was seated on a chair directly infront of the open door eating some chocolates. He secretly wondered why he had to be the bait and not his brother David. Meanwhile, Nastassia, her mother and David stood to the side of the room, hidden from view and underneath the high window. David tightened his grip on the improvised weapon. Within a few seconds, a wild horned animal raced through the door into the brightly lit room. David jumped on the creature before it could reach his brother, and sunk the blade affixed to the wine bottle’s cork cap, into the animal’s hairy neck. Lorenzo quickly shut the door and relocked it.

“Nice kill.” Dante said, standing over the goat’s body.

“What’s a mufloni doing there?” David inquired as he removed the blade from the dead animal.” He had killed an endangered wild goat.

“My thoughts exactly…” Lorenzo muttered, getting his first glimpse of the animal as he took a seat.

“Aren’t they supposed to only exist on the Island of Gigli?” Dante asked David.

“That’s miles from here.” David said as he examined the body. “Look at this…” he pointed to a piece of parchment taped to the animal’s underbelly.

David walked forth, and peeled the paper from the goat’s stomach. “You think you have what you have sought but life itself cannot be bought. Your end is near from former friends. An alliance soured of which none mends. If you seek peace you Medici, then take your lives and let us be.”

“A death threat?” David said, looking at the goat’s eyes.

“More like a lame threat.” Dante replied. “You know how many people have tried to kill our ancestors in the past?” He was not talking to the Peckletons. “Hundreds if not thousands. I say we fight fire with fire!”

“We will protect you until it becomes safe for you to get back home.” Lorenzo answered.

“That voice we heard though…” David inquired, reflecting of the heavy voice they had heard earlier. “That did not come from a goat.”

“I think whoever said that is still outside.” Dante said sourly. “Just another reason to stay awake tonight.”