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Time In A Bottle

by Elinor


INT. JIM AND SUE’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JIM HARKER (27) sits on his couch. Weary and tired, he looks much older than he is. It’s a cold, stormy night. He sits on his couch, drinking a bottle of beer. He looks at a series of photographs.

The photos are varied. There are suburban sunrises. City streets. Then, he gets to photos of a park on a summer day, and pictures of a couple we don’t see clearly.

We know it’s the 1970s from the aesthetics of the house.

SUPER: OHIO, 1978

SUE (O.S.)

Jim?

Jim looks up and hastily tries to shuffle the pictures away.

His wife SUE (26), delicate, pretty, emerges in the living room.

SUE

It’s one-thirty in the morning.

Jim stares at her blankly as she goes to sit next to him. Sue notices the photos and gives her husband a pitied look.

SUE

Again?

JIM

It’s all we have of her.

Sue sighs.

JIM

Two years, tomorrow. Well, today I guess. Since it’s one-thirty in the morning.

SUE

Really?

JIM

September 12th.

Sue’s eye catches a photograph of CAROL (22), Jim’s younger sister, a beautiful, fashionable woman with a wide smile.

SUE

You’re right.

JIM

When does anyone ever say her name, hm? It’s only his. His, his, his. In fifty years people will talk about him but they won’t remember her. They won’t remember any of the fifteen people he murdered.

SUE

We will. We always will. But, sweetheart, do you think your sister would really want you to carry on like this?

JIM

Well, she can’t want anything because she’s dead.

SUE

That’s beside the point.

There’s a long silence. Then, Jim speaks again.

JIM

I know he’s in prison but, it doesn’t make it any easier. I hate to think about... how scared she must have been. How scared they all must have been.

Sue holds her husband tightly as he cries.

SUE

It’ll be okay.

JIM

I miss her so much.

EXT. PUBLIC PARK - DAY

A public park on a serene summer day.

We recognize Carol from the photo. She’s younger here, eighteen years old. She might be young, but her look, inspired by the Beatles’ first wives, tells us she wants to be noticed.

She holds a camera in her hand and is getting it into position. She takes a picture, and smiles.

CAROL

Beautiful.

We see what she was taking a photo of Jim and Sue, as they were. Younger, more innocent. Jim holds her in his arms and Sue shows off her ring.

SUPER: SIX YEARS EARLIER

Carol clicks once more.

CAROL

Excuse me, how did I get to be taking photos of Paul and Linda McCartney?

Jim and Sue both smile as Carol clicks a few more times.

CAROL

Alright.

They relax.

CAROL

Any other shots you want to get?

Jim looks at Sue, and both shake their head. Carol starts to put her camera back in its case, and the two approach her.

CAROL

I think these are going to turn out really nice.

Sue smiles as Carol finishes packing, and slings her bag over her shoulder.

CAROL

Hey. Thanks for letting me do this.

JIM

I didn’t want to ask anyone else.

Carol smiles. Sue looks at the two of them and then eyes an ice cream stand nearby.

SUE

Hey, I’m going to get in line... What do you want?

JIM

Strawberry.

SUE

Carol?

CAROL

Just a scoop of chocolate, please.

JIM

We’ll meet you there.

Jim smiles at his sister as Sue walks out of earshot.

CAROL

What?

JIM

You’re groovy with all of this?

CAROL

Of course I am. I couldn’t be happier for you.

JIM

Good. She’s the one I want to grow old with, you know?

CAROL

I just hope that she likes me.

JIM

She does. She’s just a little shy.

Carol nods.

JIM

Actually, she wants to know if you want to go out tonight. With her, some of her friends. It’s at this club. Music, dancing. She thinks you’ll have fun.

CAROL

I’ll tell her I’m in.

JIM

Good.

Carol starts to walk towards the ice cream stand.

JIM

Carol.

CAROL

Yeah?

JIM

I know things are going to change, but you’re still my family. And we promised Mom we’d stick together, didn’t we?

Carol nods.

CAROL

We did.

JIM

That doesn’t change, no matter what.

CAROL

I understand.

Jim and Carol share a reassuring look.

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

A standard nightclub. Carol and Sue stand close to the bar. They watch a musician play a slow song, and other couples dance.

CAROL

Jim didn’t want to come out tonight I guess?

SUE

Well, you know this isn’t really his scene.

CAROL

Yeah, I guess.

SUE

Thanks for coming out with me.

CAROL

Jim said you were too shy to ask me?

SUE

I didn’t know if you’d want to. But... I know you matter to Jim so I want us to be friends too.

CAROL

Well I think you’re very cool and I think my brother is really lucky to have you.

SUE

Good.

There’s a moment of silence as Carol watches all of the couples that dance. She sighs.

CAROL

(mouths)

One day.

Sue notices, but doesn’t say anything.

SUE

So do you want to be a photographer, professionally?

CAROL

It’s what I want more than anything.

SUE

Why’s that?

CAROL

I’m good at it.

She laughs.

CAROL

But what I like the most about it is... it lasts forever. In fifty years you and Jim are going to be able to look at those pictures I took and it’ll be like a piece of time. A moment where the two of you are just as you are now. And your kids, if you have kids, and your grandkids, they’ll see it, and they’ll remember.

SUE

That’s really profound.

Carol shrugs.

CAROL

It’s true.

Just then, the BARTENDER gets Carol’s attention, gesturing to a drink, which he hands to her.

BARTENDER

From the gentleman down there.

Carol stares. There, she sees MIKE (27), a short and skinny man with his own charm. Either way, from one glance, we can tell she finds him attractive, charismatic, alluring.

He waves to Carol, and she waves back. Mike approaches her.

MIKE

Hello, beautiful.

CAROL

Hi. I haven’t had a chance to try the drink yet.

MIKE

What’s your name?

CAROL

Carol.

MIKE

Carol what?

CAROL

Carol Harker.

MIKE

Do you have a middle name, Carol Harker?

CAROL

Alice.

Carol looks over and notices that Sue is no longer there. She’s gone to join the FRIENDS they came here with on the dance floor.

CAROL

Looks like my friend took off.

Carol laughs nervously.

MIKE

It’s a nice name. Carol Alice Harker.

CAROL

It’s actually Carolyn. But everyone calls me Carol.

MIKE

Carolyn Alice Harker. Even prettier.

Carol blushes.

MIKE

Mike Jones.

They shake hands.

MIKE

What is it you do? Someone as pretty as you has to be an actress or something.

CAROL

I’m a photographer, actually. My brother got the acting gene.

Then, the music changes.

MIKE

Do you want to dance with me, Carolyn Harker?

Carol nods.

INT. MIKE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Carolyn and Mike finish having sex.

MIKE

I want you to tell me something.

CAROL

What’s that?

MIKE

Why hasn’t anyone snapped you up yet?

Carol blushes.

CAROL

Are you saying you want to?

MIKE

I’d be the luckiest man alive.

Carol kisses him deeply, passionately.

INT. JIM AND SUE’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

We’re at Jim and Sue’s house, though much of it has a brighter, more optimistic feel. Some time has passed. Mike, Carol, Sue and Jim all eat cheese and crackers and drink wine in their living room.

Jim and Sue look through some of Carol’s developed photos. A lot are of Mike, but a lot are of natural landscapes too, or other buildings or city landmarks.

Mike and Carol are very touchy feely, and Mike hangs over her in an almost possessive way.

JIM

Have you tried submitting these anywhere? Because I think you should.

CAROL

Mike’s going to be a talent agent.

He’s going to help models and actors, and singers. They’ll get famous and I’ll take their pictures. In the meantime, I don’t need to submit them anywhere else.

Jim and Sue exchange an uncomfortable look.

CAROL

By the way, we have some news. We’re getting married.

SUE

Wow, congratulations. When did you... decide this?

CAROL

We talked about it last night.

SUE

Are you sure about this?

CAROL

Of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be?

Carol laughs nervously, almost as if she’s had to convince herself of what’s she’s said. There’s a long pause.

MIKE

Where’s your restroom?

JIM

Down the hall, to the left.

Jim watches until he’s walked far enough down the hall, out of earshot.

JIM

(to Carol)

Are you sure about this?

CAROL

Of course I am.

Jim gives her a look.

CAROL

What, you get the perfect life but I don’t get the same thing?

JIM

That’s not what we’ve said, ever. We’re Just worried that you might be rushing into things with Mike and forgetting about your dreams.

CAROL

I’m not, because Mike’s going to make them happen.

JIM

You don’t need him, though.

CAROL

What if I do?

Before Jim can answer, Mike re-emerges from the bathroom.

MIKE

(to Carol)

We’re leaving.

Carol stands up and obliges.

MIKE

(to Jim)

See you around, brother-in-law.

Jim stares at him. Carol gives him a look as she follows Mike out.

INT. MIKE AND CAROL'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Some time has passed. Carol is older, more like the first photograph we saw of her. She and Mike smoke marijuana in their living room.

CAROL

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’m turning 22.

Mikes stares at her for a moment.

MIKE

Right. We’ll have to do something.

CAROL

You didn’t know. You forgot.

MIKE

I didn’t forget. I just thought it was next week.

Carol opens her mouth to say anything, but decides not to push it.

CAROL

Anyway, don’t get mad, but I went out today.

MIKE

Where exactly did you go? Not to see of that brother of yours?

CAROL

No, I went to the magazine office. I wanted to see if they’d publish my pictures of the city.

MIKE

What did they tell you?

CAROL

They’ll look it over and give me a call.

MIKE

Why didn’t you tell me?

CAROL

It’s just, you know, in the meantime, while you’re building your agency I could try a different avenue.

MIKE

Different avenue? Why do you need a different avenue?

CAROL

Never mind.

MIKE

Tell me. Why do you need a different avenue?

CAROL

I don’t know.

INT. MIKE AND CAROL'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

The next morning. Carol sits at the table with two breakfast plates, holding a cup of coffee, while Mike talks on the phone. His words blur and become white noise.

MIKE

Yes, I’m calling on behalf of my wife, Carol Jones. She visited yesterday. She changed her mind about those photos and I need you to just shred them or something. Sorry about that.

The person he’s talking to says something on the other line.

MIKE

I know. She’s too shy to call you herself.

The person on the other line says something again.

MIKE

Have a good one now.

He hangs up the phone, and faces Carol.

MIKE

They didn’t want your pictures anyway.

Carol stares back at him, but says nothing. It’s obvious she’s trying hard not to cry, but tears well in her eyes anyway.

MIKE

What do you have to cry about? You want go back to your family? Is that what you want?

CAROL

I don’t know you anymore.

Just then, Mike gets his keys.

MIKE

Think about it while I’m at work.

He leaves. Carol sighs, and buries her face in her hands.

INT. MIKE AND CAROL'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Carol sits on the couch, limply holding her camera. She takes a few shots and sighs.

She has a bag packed. There’s a letter on the counter. Tears in her eyes, she puts her camera in her case and leaves out the front door.

INT. JIM AND SUE’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Sue let Carol in.

CAROL

Thanks for taking my call.

SUE

Of course. You know you can stay here as long as you want.

CAROL

I’m worried about what he’s going to do. I shouldn’t have told him I was coming here.

Jim and Sue say nothing while they wait for her to continue.

CAROL

I don’t even know, I just need time away to think. I want things to be the way they were.

Sue sighs.

SUE

I know.

Carol fidgets with her wedding ring uncomfortably.

CAROL

I just think he’s having a bad couple of weeks and he’ll come to his sense.

For a moment, no one says anything.

SUE

You know, this is the first time we’ve seen you in six months.

Carol stares at her.

SUE

It’s just, good to see you.

EXT. PUBLIC PARK - DAY

Some time later. Carol sits on a bench as she waits for Mike. He sits down next to her.

CAROL

Thanks for meeting me here.

He’s softer, more tender.

MIKE

Come home. Things will be different from now on, I promise.

CAROL

I don’t know, Mike.

MIKE

These past few days have been torture without you.

CAROL

I’ve been thinking a lot about things too, and I think we should get a divorce.

Mike has nothing to say.

CAROL

We can do this maturely, or not.

MIKE

Okay. If that’s what you want.

CAROL

I’ll always care about you, but I think we want different things.

MIKE

If this is about the magazine...

CAROL

It’s about more than just that, okay?

Carol gets up, and smiles sadly, wryly.

INT. JIM AND SUE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jim, Sue and Carol eat dinner.

CAROL

I was surprised that it went as well as it possibly could have.

SUE

He was okay with it?

CAROL

Well, he wanted me to change my mind, of course.

Carol sighs.

CAROL

It’s hard. It’s really hard.

SUE

Think of it this way. You get to start fresh now.

CAROL

That’s the most exciting part, isn’t it?

EXT. PUBLIC PARK - DAY

The same public park where Carol took Jim and Sue’s engagement pictures, what seems like an eternity ago. She wanders aimlessly through the park, trying to capture every detail in her memory.

She hears a man’s voice. This is the KILLER. He's in his 30s, handsome, He has a brace on his leg, and carries a folding chair and basket under one arm.

KILLER

Beautiful day, isn’t it?

CAROL

Yeah, it is.

KILLER

Why so sad?

CAROL

Oh, I don’t know.

She laughs nervously.

CAROL

Normally I’d have my camera, but I’m all out of film. I have to buy more, my brother tells me I need a job.

KILLER

Camera?

CAROL

Yeah, I’m a photographer.

She gestures to his knee brace.

CAROL

What happened to you?

KILLER

Fell when I was riding my bike.

CAROL

I’m sorry.

KILLER

I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you.

CAROL

Sure.

KILLER

If you could help me with taking some of this stuff to my car. It’s not far.

CAROL

I can help. You want to hand me the basket?

He does. As they walk, we don’t hear what they say.

After a moment, the scene fades.

INT. JIM AND SUE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

We’re back in Jim’s living room, the middle of the night where we began.

As Sue watches, Jim wearily puts Carol’s photos in the box they came in. He gets a piece of paper and writes “FOR CAROL”.

INT. JIM AND SUE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Daytime, a few days later. Jim shows Sue a brand new photo album he’s organized with her pictures.

JIM

It’s not much, but it’s what we have. And if anyone ever cares to ask us instead of giving that creep more attention, we can tell people that we have these.

Sue smiles, and kisses her husband.

SUE

It’s very nice.

JIM

Mike called last night.

SUE

Oh, really?

JIM

We had a short, cordial conversation. He told me how much he loved Carol, and I said, she loved you too, but she was disappointed. He didn’t have much to say.

Jim sighs.

JIM

I just want to believe she was happy.

SUE

I think she was. She had her photography. She had us.

JIM

But she should have had so much more.

SUE

Does her life hold any less value because of what happened?

JIM

No. I guess not.

SUE

Her life had value. Because she was here, and we loved her.

Jim nods, and takes the album in his hands.

JIM

I hope someone asks us about this one day.

SUE

I’m sure they will.

Sue smiles at him.

SUE

You want to get breakfast?

JIM

That sounds good.

Jim smiles wearily back at his wife.

FADE OUT.


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Fri Feb 03, 2023 7:37 am
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Lucrezia wrote a review...



Hello darling~

Greetings from Lucrezia, aka WriterWrong, aka Cressida, aka Nyla, aka I've-had-too-many-usernames...

It's been a minute since I've reviewed anything, so please forgive me if I'm rusty. I'm also not going to be collecting any nitpicks, since it always takes me out of the story when I do that and I wanted to focus on the content of what you've written rather than any typos. All that being said, let's get into it! ^_^

This is a great script, truly. I really enjoyed reading it. It's absorbing and extremely well-crafted. What's more, I think you managed to imbue it with a true sense of authenticity. It feels very lived-in. I know that you're someone who puts a lot of time and effort into your characters/stories—a seriously commendable amount of thought into all of them—and that came through in this script. The relationship dynamics have a real, palpable honesty and integrity to them. The characters feel like people I've known or could know—people that you could meet or live next door to, in any era. Jim and Carol's relationship, Jim and Sue's relationship, Sue and Carol's relationship, Carol's relationship with Mike, and Mike's relationship with Jim/Sue—each had a distinct flavor, each felt startlingly true to life, and each contributed to the larger narrative and to building out the characters' depth, as well as that of the world they inhabit.

I think this piece also raises some really interesting questions. I love that you're challenging the way we talk about murder—how we give all the attention to the killer rather than the victim(s). I have a lottttt of issues with the true crime genre, and the ways it can be exploitative and harmful, especially with regards to glorifying killers and commodifying their crimes. Your piece spoke to that, but in a way that felt natural and never heavy-handed. This is a great example of how to tell a victim's story with nuance and empathy. I really like the fact that the killer was barely featured and went unnamed. This was clearly the story of Carol and her survivors. Centering the narrative in that way was highly effective and made it so much more human. It was a wonderful, refreshing change of pace. (Now can we please put you in charge of all true crime projects, ever?? Lol.)

On that topic, I loved Jim's line at the beginning, about how people will remember the killer in 50 years but not Carol or any of his 15(!) victims. The celebrityfication of literal murderers will never not be weird or troubling to me. I think that line gets to the heart of the issue, and it was great how you circled back around to it at the end, with Jim putting together the scrapbook and musing about how he "hopes someone asks us about this one day." The script felt quite cohesive in how it was set up and structured, and it was a nice touch to revisit the 1978 version of Sue and Jim at the end. (Loved their conversation about Carol's life and the value it had. Another thought-provoking moment.)

Mike and Carol's relationship was chilling. It's amazing that you managed to pack so much into a fairly short script, especially with regards to those two. The one thing I would've liked was if we could've seen more of the beginning of their relationship. I wanted to know what it was that initially attracted Carol to Mike—what kind of connection they had, before things started to sour. I wish the scene of them in bed had been longer. I would've been interested in their post-coital conversation. I think that would've been a good opportunity to establish a more meaningful bond between the two—but then again, maybe that's not what you were aiming for. Maybe it was just one of those "ooh, a man's giving me attention and validation? I'M IN LOVE" type of relationships (which, I mean... we've all been there at some point in our lives, lol).

On the topic of Mike and Carol: the line "they didn’t want your pictures anyway"? SO GOOD. That one sentence was incredibly revealing and rich and layered. It told the audience a lottttt about Mike and his relationship with Carol and the dynamic they had. It's also one of those lines that's so effective because it's too damn real. Pretty much everyone knows a toxic person like Mike. All the scenes with him and Carol were utterly soul-crushing and brutal, but that's precisely what made them so compelling. You captured a bad, abusive relationship very well, to the point where the reader/viewer is squirming in their seat with the discomfort of it all and internally screaming "GIRL, LEAVE HIM" at the screen.

There were so many little lines in this piece—sometimes even tossed-off, casual throwaway lines—that said a ton about the characters and their lives. (Jim's "she loved you too, but she was disappointed" was also great.) Carol's speech about why she loved photography was a good example: it was interesting and impactful on its own, AND it gave us a sense of who she was as a person (thus humanizing her and making us invested in the outcome of her story). I know I don't need to tell you how pivotal dialogue is to the success of a script, but what I will say is that you nailed it with this piece.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. Impressive work all around! This is something to feel proud of. Keep up the great work and stay awesome.




Elinor says...


Ahh, thank you so much! So, this was actually the first draft of a film we made. There were definitely some changes in the process... but give it a watch.

https://www.shortverse.com/films/time-in-a-bottle


Random avatar
Lucrezia says...


Oh wow, thanks for the link! That is awesome. I love to read a script and then get to view the finished product.

I just watched it and you did a great job. The visual language is so good, especially moving from that hopeful, brightly lit beginning to the dimly lit scene where she tells them about her engagement, with all the dark, somber colors. Here she is, announcing her impending marriage, and yet it looks and feels like a funeral. I love that. Great telegraphing all around.

Also, just wanna add: Cinderella Pictures is a terrific name! So cute. <33



Elinor says...


Thanks so much for your time reading the script and watching! :)



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Thu Dec 09, 2021 1:27 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I was so hyped to see a script in the green room! They're some of my favorite works to read, but not a lot of people write them, so I'm very glad to have found yours! I really enjoyed this; I liked how it was "about" a serial killer but was really about Carol and her life, and the serial killer was only a small part of it. I think it was a nice contrast to usual serial killer stories; this one felt distinctly less like a horror/thriller and all the more your run of the mill drama, just with a serial killer. It was a really nice take on it, and I really enjoyed reading it!!

One thing I loved was just how well it flowed. It didn't feel choppy at all, and your dialogue carried through so realistically and nicely. I think your scene descriptions were also really nice, too. The format of a bunch of little snippets worked well for this I think; it's kind of hard to tell how long something is on this website (especially a script) so if it's not too long, I feel like you could maybe even add in some more scenes of Mike and Carol's relationship falling apart. I feel like the more gradual progression would be interesting to see, and it would also give Carol's line "It's about more than just that" even more weight.

One thing I thought was a really interesting choice was addressing the killer as simply "killer." You didn't give him a name or anything, which I thought definitely made it better. You dehumanized him, in a way, never letting him be anything else to the reader. The one thing I would say is that unless this is a closet drama, it'd be interesting to see how the viewers are going to know that this man is the killer. To them, he's just going to be a handsome guy in his thirties, so it might seem a little ambiguous. I'm curious if you had anything in mind of how to show he's the killer that wouldn't be part of the script or if that ambiguity when translated to the screen or stage was intentional.

Specifics

CAROL

Mike’s going to be a talent agent.


He’s going to help models and actors, and singers. They’ll get famous and I’ll take their pictures. In the meantime, I don’t need to submit them anywhere else.


Tiny formatting thing here: I think that second part should also be centered like the rest of your dialogue was.

She hears a man’s voice. This is the KILLER. He's in his 30s, handsome, He has a brace on his leg, and carries a folding chair and basket under one arm.


Another tiny thing: I think that should be a period after "handsome" rather than a comma.

Overall: nice work! This was a super vivid script with scenes and conversations that flowed so smoothly and naturally. Your take on the whole serial killer thing was a really interesting choice, and one I enjoyed reading immensely. I hope to read more of your scripts on here soon! Until next time!!




Elinor says...


Hi Plume! I'm so glad you enjoyed this, thanks for all your comments! The script is about 18 pages right now. I'd like to keep it under 20 (ie = roughly a 20 minute film if I shoot this) so there's definitely room to play.

The one thing I would say is that unless this is a closet drama, it'd be interesting to see how the viewers are going to know that this man is the killer.


This is a really fair point! My thing is I didn't want to show any violent parts, or give the killer much time or space beyond what's absolutely necessary. So I'll have to think on that.

Pretending to have a broken or injured limb and needing help carrying things to his car was how Ted Bundy lured some of his victims, so some people might make the connection, but not everyone might. I also don't want it to be in poor taste if it the killer is too obviously a stand-in for Bundy (could work with casting, I guess).

Maybe I could have Sue and Jim reference the circumstances of her disappearance or show the killer's mugshot in a paper that Jim is looking at or something, just so we connect. I'll have to think about it, but I appreciate that feedback!

Have a nice rest of your night! :)



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Wed Dec 08, 2021 9:27 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Elinor,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Reviewing scripts is fun, even if I don't always know how exactly I'm going to go about it, so let's just get started. :D

So the beginning is already very loaded and you can tell something is off. I like how it starts with a gentleness, in a vibrant way leading to the "goal". You can tell from Jim's choice of words that he's still very upset about his sister's death, and I especially like how he's so focused on making sure the killer's name isn't forgotten, but the victims' are. (Somehow it reminds me of the Tate-LaBianca murders) It seems to me very much like Jim is obsessed with his sister not being forgotten by the general public. It gives me the impression that Jim is almost obsessed with it. Sue, on the other hand, seems very calm and at least tries to take his mind off it. But also restrained, as if she's wary of what Jim might do if she says the wrong word.

Above all, I like this moment here:

JIM
Well, she can’t want anything because she’s dead.

This sounds very manic in parts and shows a little bit how his brain has mentally adjusted to a different reality than the one he is supposed to "live".

The flashback was very emotional and I liked that we got to know Carol. Because at first glance she didn't seem that open, especially when she met Mike, but I like how that developed. It went a bit fast, especially because I missed that between Mike's question of the dance and the scene change to the flat, there was a short comment about dancing. Also how Sue is standing there alone (?) at the end.

CAROL
But what I like the most about it is... it lasts forever. In fifty years you and Jim are going to be able to look at those pictures I took and it’ll be like a piece of time. A moment where the two of you are just as you are now. And your kids, if you have kids, and your grandkids, they’ll see it, and they’ll remember.

Argh, that's really sad to read, but I think that's part of looking to the future with a positive outlook…

You already create good scenes and also make the characters vivid and believable. I was very sad to see how the relationship between Mike and Carol never really warmed up and how in many ways Mike seemed too possessive and controlling. I don't know how to describe it, but you could also read in Carol's words how disappointed she is and how her love has changed for Mike. The brief "conflict" between Carol and Jim, was something you've seen more often ("Why can't I be happy?"), but also like that it's nothing extravagant from the point of the narrative.

In general, I liked the script. I think some points could be developed a bit more, as we only ever see snippets, but I also think you've done a good job of introducing the characters in detail, where you also go home with a bit of an open ending. What I liked most were the details you added to the script, like here at the beginning:

SUPER: OHIO, 1978
SUE (O.S.)

I really like that you go out of your way to give the details of how everything should look once it goes from script to screen. Most people wouldn't bother to do that and then the reader (or at least me) gets lost.

One thing that leaves me a little questionable, (Whether this was done deliberately or not, I can't say now) is the killer. It's so spontaneous that he comes into Carol's life and we don't know anything about this character, which on the one hand I think is a good approach, which Jim says in the present that he's only remembered (which isn't the case here then in the script, which I like), but it also makes me wonder why the build up with Mike is there, and that that's why Carol is there that day in the park? Or is it ultimately someone Mike hired or himself...? Maybe I'm a bit confused, but it wasn't very clear to me.

CAROL
I don’t even know, I just neeed time away to think. I want thinks to be the way they were.

A tiny typo here.

In the end, it was a nice script to read. I got some vibes, that it would end badly and I was not disappointed.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Elinor says...


Thanks for the review! At first I was going to say Mike killed her, but I thought it would be more true to life if he wasn%u2019t involved and this was something that just happened out of nowhere. So many of the victims of people like Ted Bundy, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Of course, maybe I can more directly say she%u2019s in the park because of the meeting with Mike or something so it flows a bit more.



MailicedeNamedy says...


Thanks for the clarification! That sounds good to have Mike as a trigger to have Carole brought to the park. It now makes also sense to me.




Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS