an adaptation of this: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=101575. It's a relatively bare script at the moment, so be harsh! Thanks. If you have time to skim the story, I would very much appreciate advice on how to incorporate more of the deeper elements.
Thanks x
--
INT. PANCAKE HOUSE - DAY
It is early morning, mid-summer. Several customers eat their breakfast and drink coffee, but it is not busy. It comfortable, relaxing restaurant, but a cheap one.
At a booth towards the back of the restaurant, away from the windows, ALI, 18 and JACK, 20 sit as they eat their breakfast. They both look somewhat disheveled and sleep deprived.
JACK
How are your pancakes?
ALI
Um...it's food.
She laughs. Jack looks down at his plate.
JACK
Yeah, not the best food I've ever tasted. Sorry.
ALI
It's okay. The important thing is y'know, spending time together before our lives become crazy again.
JACk
Yeah.
ALI
It's just weird. I still can't believe I was at the Academy Awards. It feels like a dream. And it's now it's like, hey, life! Remember what you used to be?
JACK
I'm sorry. I just wanted a change of pace from last night.
ALI
No, it's fine. I'm glad we came here.
There is a long pause.
ALI (CONT'D)
Jack? How do you bear it?
JACK
What do you mean?
Jack sighs.
ALI
I mean, it wasn't long ago that I was just auditioning for whatever I could, wondering if I'd be able to make it. Wondering if this dream I had, if it was all just of my time. And now that we got to do this movie together and I won an Oscar for it...it's unreal. My life was one way for so long, and I hated it, I hated every goddamn second of it. And now it's so different and I don't know what to think. Before I wanted everyone to know my name and now I just want to blend in. I sound like a terrible person, I know.
JACK
No, you don't. Fame is weird. You'll get used to it eventually. I mean, I think of all the problems facing other people and how I don’t have to go through it when I’m not sure I’m any better than the people that do. I love what I do, and I don’t take it for granted. I mean, I don't know what it's like to not have the paparazzi up your ass every second of every day, but I mean, I imagine it sometimes.
ALI
It's interesting, too, because I when I did rep theater back home, I worked with so many talented people. And no one's ever going to know who they are. Why, in the eyes of the public, am I better?
JACK
I getya. I wish I could answer that.
The HOSTESS comes by with Jack's credit card at the bill.
HOSTESS
Thank you. Have a nice day.
JACK
You're welcome.
She leaves.
ALI
I'm just uncertain, is all.
JACK (CONT'D)
Listen to me, Ali. You have a great future ahead of you, I know it.
ALI
Thanks. This was really nice.
JACK
I'm glad.
He stands up.
JACK (CONT'D)
Onward?
ALI
Onward.
As they walk toward the exit, Ali walks slowly, as to take in the world around her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hey Elinor!! Silver here to review for you!!
First of all I just wanted to say that I don't know much about script writing and how much detail you include or don't, so I'm just going to review this the best that I can and hope that it helps.
Main Points
"It" should be "It's". Also I feel that the word "but" here reads a little funny. Maybe use "and" instead? Seeing as it's a comfortable and relaxing restaurant it should be fine.
"In" I think would sound better than "At".
Okay, so this was interesting to read. I like how you explored the idea of being famous. How someone can want it so much but then sort of not want it so much once they have it. In particular I really liked:
That's so true. Why? Why is it that some people with amazing voices become great singers but others don't? Why is it that people who can't really sing become mega popstars? One of the best things about your piece was that it really got me thinking.
Now, your script is a little threadbare as you mentioned in you A/N. I don't think it's too bad, because due to the lack of detail the reader is prompted to focus more on the content and dialogue and it's meaning. That being said it does kind of have a silent feel about it. Maybe include a little detail about whether the restaurant was noisy? Or quiet? Could we have a little more on what they look like? Or at least a little more on their facial expressions? Is there a reason that you didn't really too much detail to this? If anything, I think facial expressions or body language would be a nice addition to help develop your characters a little more.
Overall, I I enjoyed this! I loved the thoughtfulness of it and the interaction between the two characters. I hope I've helped!! Happy writing!!
Silverlock
I like your script; there was something I learned about scripting though from my Creative Writing teacher. When the character is moving or thinking you use these ----> ( ) example:
ALI
No, it's fine. I'm glad we came here.
(There is a long pause.)
I like how the character is tired of being famous and she just questions herself and the guy is just there to comfort her. The scene was good and it sounded like something a person would say that's what made it sound more life like. SO good JOB