Young Writers Society

Hi Elinor!

So, first off: I watched your short film! I saw you talking about it on your profile page and I immediately knew I had to check it out. I'm always eager to support a fellow female filmmaker. ^_^ That's also what brings me to this script! And I think, having viewed your film, I have a big advantage in reviewing this, since I'm now more familiar with your style, your strengths and weaknesses, and, of course, the larger story behind these pages.

I'll begin with the fun stuff, aka what I liked: I think this is a really cool idea, seeing the children of a cult-leader and how knowing (or not knowing) about their father has affected them. That plot has the potential to go in many interesting directions, and you could turn this into a really smart character study. I also like that (both in your short film and here) you are focusing on the women of the cult: those who participated, and their daughters. A lot of material to work with there, lots of gender stuff to unpack, and I'm curious to see how you handle it.

So, not a lot happened in these 10 pages (other than the big reveal at the very end), but that's not a bad thing. You don't want to throw too much at the viewer too soon, so I like that you're taking your time and letting things unfold in a slow, deliberate way. With that said, I do think the ending—the aforementioned "big reveal"—felt a little rushed, especially in comparison to the slower pace of the rest of the script. That reveal was the most interesting thing to happen, so I was a little surprised you didn't take your time with it and kind of unravel it bit by bit. I understand that there's more I'm not seeing—because this excerpt ends mid-conversation, I'm sure the girls have a big response and share a longer discussion with their mothers that I'm just not privy to—but, even still, I felt like the way Debbie and Claire revealed the secret was too fast, not only because of the buildup/pace of the rest of the script, but also because they've been keeping this secret for so many years—would they really just dispense with it so easily, after all that?

Plus, it was sorta weird how, one minute, they're talking about Paul McCartney (for some reason) and eating pizza, and then, wham, the girls' lives are flip-turned upside down. I mean... what? If my mother was going to reveal my father was a cult-leader, I'd hope she'd at least spring for a nice meal, preferably one with lots of wine. Essentially what I'm saying is that the transition—from "funny story and pizza" to "hey girls, your dad was a cult-leader and you're half-sisters!"—was rough. I could've used a little more lead-in from Claire and Debbie. Maybe they share some guilty glances, maybe they bite their nails, maybe one of them tries to ease into the confession by describing how cool and romantic Jay seemed—how he was "more" than a cult-leader, how they fell for him, how they hope Tara and Amy don't judge them for what they're about to admit, buttt...

I'm just spitballing here, but I do think there should be more of something—of tension or catharsis or some kinda fireworks—before Claire and Debbie tell the girls the truth. And yes, I know you may've been going for a quick reveal deliberately, to get it out of the way or to make it seem like a band aid that Debbie and Claire are desperate to rip off, but it still didn't really work (at least to me). It also didn't strike me as entirely realistic.

Which brings me to my next point: realism! One of the reasons the ending stuck out to me so much was that the rest of these pages are written in a hyper-realistic style. Between this and your short film, it seems to me that—at least for this story—you favor realism over a grandly cinematic approach or a lot of artistic license. If that's your preference, I can't knock it, because it's a legitimate choice some filmmakers gravitate toward. At the same time, this review is written from my perspective, and as such, I'm going to give you my completely subjective take on this style. Personally, I'm not a fan. I don't go to the movies to watch people interact exactly the way they do in real life. (I always think of that Seinfeld quote: "If I wanted a long, boring story that goes nowhere, I have my life!")

Some of the exchanges in this script were so intensely realistic that they were drained of any personality or entertainment value. And I realize you're in a tough spot, because you're trying to set up a lot of stuff about these characters/this story vis-a-vis exposition and brief interactions that seem to have no purpose (but secretly do), and you're limited as a result. At the same time, I don't want to sit through characters just chatting on the phone about nothing. Wait, scratch that—I do want to sit through that, and I have sat through that many times, but only if it's done in an entertaining way. The best movies are ones that can make every conversation, no matter how minute or inconsequential, somehow worth watching. In fairness, that's easier to pull off if you're writing a comedy, because then you can insert jokes and humorous asides into character exchanges, but I think a drama can still do it. (And, on that topic: how do you feel about adding some levity to this? Because I think notes of humor would really liven up the dourness of the story. It would still be a drama, just one with bits of comedy sprinkled throughout to keep things from being too self-serious. I also think the absurdist nature of cults lends itself well to dark humor, but that might just be me...)

To give you an example of what I'm talking about, let's break down these pages into scenes. There's the first scene: Adam and Esther and their confrontation. That scene was good: it was tense, it established things about the characters, and it held my interest. (Though I did have some issues with parts of it, but we'll get to those problems later.) Then we have the Amy-and-Tara-stuck-in-traffic scene, the Amy-on-the-phone scene, the airport pickup scene, and finally, the pizza parlor reveal. Of those, I found the first three pretty uninteresting, and the last one, while enjoyable, fell flat because of how rushed it was. That reveal had the potential to be incredibly fascinating, but I feel like most of that potential was wasted. However, I've already talked about the pizza scene, so let's instead discuss the three I haven't: Amy and Tara in traffic, Amy on the phone, and the airport pickup.

Those three scenes are just sorta... there. Like, yes, they set up what's to come and establish some pertinent information. But they don't do so in a way that motivates me to keep watching (or reading, in this case). I also feel like I don't really learn much about the characters from those interactions. I mean, I learn that Amy's got bills to pay, and that she and Tara don't know who their fathers are. But I can't tell you much more than that. At this point, there's nothing about the characters that's making me want to know more. They don't really have any color.

And, again: I know it's early in the story, and there's only so much you can do in ten pages. I get that. But I do think there's a way to write these scenes that would make them pop. And I think there's a way to make the characters vivid right from the start.

The main reason these scenes were underwhelming was because of the dialogue. Like I was saying, you've favored that hyper-realistic style, and it's just... not any fun, I guess? I'm going to put some examples in spoilers so you see what I mean:

You've succeeded in capturing how real people talk. The problem is that realistic conversations like these just aren't very interesting. Now, don't get me wrong, if you occasionally had exchanges like these (to create a sense of realism or establish the relationship between characters, for instance), it would be okay. But the problem is that most of the dialogue in these 10 pages sounds like the dialogue I just excerpted. You have three scenes in a row of characters talking like this. If I was watching this movie, I'd be itching to change the channel. It's especially important, in this day and age—when attention spans are so short, and there's never been more choices of what to watch whenever you want—that you grab your audience's attention. You don't have to do that by being super flashy, you can still have quiet moments between characters where they just talk, but the conversation needs to exist for a reason. And that reason shouldn't just be exposition or setting something up for later. There should be at least a nugget of entertainment value buried in these interactions. Give me a reason to keep watching. Give me something.

Another problem I noticed is that you make a lot of pop culture references. It feels like you're continually trying to remind your viewer/reader that this takes place in a different era, and you don't need to do that. What's more, you don't just do it with the 90s, but the 60s/70s too. Let's see—you've got the Mt. Everest disaster/Rob Hall, Kurt Cobain AND Seinfeld all within the first 10 pages, then you make sure to mention that Debbie and Claire met during the moon landing as if to tell your audience—in the most obvious way possible—that they've known each other since '69, and you throw in a left-field story about McCartney for good measure (not to mention name-dropping famous cult-leaders, though I'll give you a pass on that one since it works in context). Hold on, let me get a broom so I can sweep up all these references...

Seriously though, that's a lot. I get that you like the twentieth-century (who doesn't?), but remember that people who lived through those eras did not constantly refer to their then-contemporary pop culture. Those sorts of references should be used sparingly, or else they'll begin to feel forced and grating.

(The only time you can really get away with this is if your story's a love letter to a certain era. Like, I haven't seen it because I hate Tarantino, but I've heard Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood is one big 1960s pop culture love-fest. HOWEVER, that movie is explicitly a romanticized, idealized portrait of the titular decade, and one that is specifically grounded in Hollywood and 60s film, meaning it can get away with it in a way that your story—unless it's also intended to be a love letter to a decade?—cannot.)

Anyway, those are some of the big-picture issues. Now let's get into the nitty gritty.

She sighs when she sees its driver, ADAM WHITMAN (31), her older half-brother.

I don't think you need the word "older" when you've already mentioned their ages.

ADAM
You’re hysterical.

ESTHER
Leave me alone.

Adam approaches his younger sister.

ADAM
Look. Just come home.

Something about him saying "you're hysterical" doesn't really jibe. For one thing, he's trying to get her to come back and acting sympathetic to her the rest of the scene, so to have his first line of dialogue be accusatory and antagonistic sets the wrong tone. (I mean, going straight from "you're hysterical" to "come home" just sounds wrong, and also, if that's his strategy for winning her over, it's a bad one!) For another thing, she's not really acting hysterical? Like, I get that she left suddenly and wants to be alone and is now telling him to stop following her, so obviously she's upset and maybe he thinks her response is not proportionate, but "hysterical"? I think if he says something like "c'mon, you know you're overacting," that would work better—because it establishes him as someone who is trying to reason with her (not harass), because it blends better with the subsequent dialogue, and because it's a more understandable response to her behavior than calling her hysterical.

So, while we're here, let's talk about the Adam/Esther scene. I like what you're going for here, and it's a lot more interesting than most of the following scenes. As I said before, it's got a good amount of tension, and the way these two interact intrigues me. I want to know more about their dynamic. Which is great! The only problem is that I think some of their dialogue dips into a melodramatic territory. At times it feels less like how people argue in the real world, and more like how people argue in movies: spelling out their feelings and problems in very explicit, on-the-nose terms, expositing enough that the viewer has a sense of what's going on, et cetera. It wouldn't stand out so much if it weren't for the fact that the rest of the script goes for hyper-realism. (The other problem with hyper-realism: it makes exposition and all incidences of foreshadowing/setting things up seem very, very incongruous.)

Here are some examples of dialogue that kinda-sorta slip into soapy territory:



It's not bad, it's just not quite right. Again, if this was how the rest of the script was written, I don't even know if it would bother me. But the problem is that after this scene, things take a hard left into the den of ultra-realism, and that makes the dialogue in this scene seem odd—almost literary—by comparison.

You really do like so much like him, you know.

Typo.

Amy changes the channel. Just then, she hears the familiar sound of a guitar and the voice of Kurt Cobain, singing Nirvana’s cover of Where Did You Sleep Last Night.

As far as I know, italics aren't "allowed" in standard script formatting. All italicized words should be underlined instead. (Unless that rule has changed and I'm just unaware of it? It always did seem hopelessly dated to me.) Furthermore, even if italics were allowed, this is an incorrect usage of them. Song titles are supposed to be in quotes.

TARA
Yeah. I’m sorry, it’s just... things like that get to me.

Amy sighs deeply.

TARA
So many people take having two parents for granted.

I think you struggle with trusting your viewer. You feel the need to spell things out for them pretty often. This is one example. Like, does Tara really need to explain herself here? Wouldn't there be more of an impact if you left it for the viewer to infer why she doesn't want to listen about Rob Hall's daughter, or why her heart breaks for Kurt Cobain's kid? I think, by making that subtext explicit, you spoil the moment and start telling rather than showing.

AMY
Yeah. Believe me, I know. Mom still won’t tell me who he was. What’s she afraid of?

TARA
At least she knows who he was. It’s so hard to imagine my mom as having a one night stand, but here I am.

Obvious foreshadowing is obvious. Seriously though, this part feels pretty clunky. Between Amy's "Mom won't tell me who he was, what's she afraid of?" and Tara's "it's hard to imagine my mom having a one-night stand..." it's all just way too clearly telegraphing PATERNITY TWIST UPHEAD.

Altogether, this exchange comes across as mere exposition/foreshadowing instead of a naturally-occurring conversation. I'd suggest a rewrite. One idea I had for how to smooth out Tara's response would be to change it to something like: "Well, at least you're not the product of a one-night stand." That's still kinda clunky, but hopefully you get the general direction I'm going in, which is this: Tara doesn't need to explicitly state that she's a one-night stand baby. The audience will follow you. They don't need to be spoon-fed information.

I’ll be pretend to be surprised.

Typo.

AMY
Hi mummy.
...
AMY
Not this year, ma. I told you.

Okay, so I know your viewer won't see or care about this, but I'll point it out anyway because it's worth knowing: if a character is calling their parent by mom/dad/some variation thereof, the first letter should be capitalized (e.g.: "Hi Mum!"). It should be lowercase in all other situations, including whenever there is a pronoun in front of it (e.g.: "her mom went to the store"; "I thought my dad already did that"; "she's a mother of two"). So, in the case of your script, the M in both "mummy" and "ma" should be capitalized. A nitpick, I know, but one I take seriously!

Also: Amy calls her mom "mummy," then "ma." That seems a little weird to me. Wouldn't she call her mom "mum" instead of "ma"? Do English people even use "ma"? Is that your way of signaling to the audience that she's British-American so she uses both English and American turns of phrase? Am I overthinking this?? (Probably!)

I’ve been babysitting. It’s alright, but it’s not enough.

"All right" is two words in American English. That rule still applies regardless of whether or not the character is British (or her mother is).

CLAIRE
Does the name Jay Whitman mean anything to either of you?

TARA
The cult leader?

Claire laughs nervously.

CLAIRE
Yes, I suppose so.

So, I like what you're going for here—that Claire still doesn't think of Jay as a cult leader and is taken aback when he's referred to in such a way—but I feel like her reaction is off. She must've imagined telling Amy this a gazillion times, surely she would've anticipated that response. I mean, she's been keeping it a secret all these years. She knows that Jay is thought of in this way, and she knows the girls, if they're familiar with him, will probably only have the cult as their frame of reference. So to have her react like this seems... wrong?

But, like I said, this isn't a bad idea. I just think that, instead of having her respond with a giggle and an "I suppose so"—as if the idea hadn't occurred to her until that moment—you should make it seem as though, intellectually, she knows what's up, but it still takes her aback to hear the words aloud. So, to get that across, maybe have her tense up instead of laugh, and then say something like, "Yes. Him." That, to me, would be the more realistic response: she knows he's a cult leader, she knew this response was coming, but it still startles her to actually hear the words and she can't bring herself to acknowledge that reality beyond "yes, that's the guy." It's a small change, but one that would make a noticeable difference.

Yes, I suppose so.
...
Or David Koresh, I suppose.
...
We were... a part of that cult, I suppose you could say.

You use "I suppose" a lot. This wouldn't be a problem if one character was saying it, but these are all different characters using it within one brief exchange. Not only does it sound repetitive, but it also kinda blurs their speech patterns together so they don't feel distinct from one another. Every person talks a little differently, and I'd suggest trying to capture that with your dialogue.

Okay! So I think I've pretty much hacked this thing to death, haha. Time for some final thoughts:

I like the idea and I think it's brimming with potential. But I want to see dialogue that pops off the page. I think, even if you want this thing to be realistic, you could still spice up the character interactions. Maybe one of the characters is witty and makes a lot of sardonic quips. Maybe one is enigmatic and always leaves the audience with questions. Just something to keep me, the viewer, invested.

I think the opening scene doesn't need much work, but could still be edited enough to smooth out any forays into melodrama or overly on-the-nose dialogue. The next three scenes should be edited within an inch of their life. (You could maybe even delete one entirely, or radically alter what's happening/what's being said in all three.) And then that final scene, at the pizza parlor—take your time with it! Have a little fun. Experiment, see if elongating the conversation improves it. (And perhaps consider relocating it to another venue? Unless you're really attached to the pizza place, but like... I wouldn't be.) I'd like to see Debbie and Claire struggle to tell Amy and Tara. I want to see their inner conflict play out; I want a sense of how hard this is for them. On that topic: I know you know your characters inside and out, but I wouldn't have thought that based on these pages alone, so I definitely want to see more of their personalities. Even in the first 10 pages, I think I should have a read on at least a couple of them. So, when you edit/rewrite, that's something else to bring to the surface. And cut down on the pop culture references!

Those are my notes. I hope they help. ^_^

PS: Let me know if you ever need a beta-viewer for any of your projects! Like I said, I'm always eager to support a fellow female filmmaker. <3