Published August 4, 2010
And is this your heart arithmetic?
This is the way the wind measures the weather.
- Carl Sandburg, "How Much"
i
the bluest barest silk
traveling up your thigh is
a skim of mist over
an orchard in the unclasping
of the morning.
i may actually be in love
with your fabrics. you are
spread, unironed, untucked,
unfolded. you are a silk road,
originating somewhere
further east in the evening. i button you back up
slowly, like a jacket against the cold
of a doubt.
ii
freckles tossed
over your shoulder
like spilled salt, to avoid bad luck.
there is a cigarette.
i can feel the heat of it beside my ear,
like a whispered, sexy threat.
iii
love, i am closing my eyes
because i am painting. i am painting
your voice, your palette of voyelles.
it is not because you are ugly that i am closing my eyes;
it is because i am painting
the molotov of your hair, your flammables
that I am afraid I will not be able to rescue
when the house burns down.
i am painting the set traps
of your ankles. i daub my finger
in moonlight, and try to paint you into
something more than just a sum
of your parts -- you,
a beautiful engine.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,378 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Wow. Very, very nice work here. The title caught my eye and I'm so glad I decided to check this out. There's so many choice lines here that it's too difficult to select a few best, though "unclasping of the morning" has to be one of my favorites--simple but clever and indelible. I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of the vague abstract-ness of the last line, with the "beautiful engine." Poetry itself is beautiful but I think such a bland obvious word like that has no place in poetry. Otherwise this was very impressive. You've got talent to burn, keep it up. It's very encouraging to see memorable pieces like this on the site.
Oh my God! This was amazing. It was so deep and sensual. I was really moved by this piece. My only qualm was the fact that at one point you used the word "sexy". I didn't feel like this fit with the piece and its sensuality. There is a difference between sexual and sensual, and I think the word "sexy" through the piece off a bit.
Good work!
Hi,
The imagery in the first stanza is beautiful, but I don't believe it. It feels too consciously poetic to me. Pare it back. Show me what's really there and don't over think it.
The second stanza is really great. The tone fits much better and your imagery is more natural. I especially enjoyed;
"i may actually be in love
with your fabrics. you are
spread, unironed, untucked,
unfolded. you are a silk road,"
and
"I button you back up."
I like the freckles and salt images in the third stanza but I'd tighten it up a bit, because surely the freckles are on her shoulder, and not on the floor behind her shoulder? I'd add something about the throw not being far enough or something like that. "There is a cigarette" is too vague/boring. Where is the cigarette? What does it look like? I don't think "sexy threat" fits in with the tone. Try for something more visual and specific.
The last stanza is good, and could be a poem in its own right, but I'd rethink "beautiful engine" as it's a bit vague and reductive and doesn't quite fit with the tone.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hmm...I liked it. The was a lot of imagery that kept me wanting to read on.
Now, I just have a few tips for you. Grammar. Your puncuation is mostly fine but there were places commas could have been added to enhance the poem. Also, you absolutely must capitalize the beginning of each line. Not only does it make the piece more presentable and appealing to your audience but all writers must follow the basic rules of grammar. Why else would our teachers review it a billion and one times in school?
For example, you wrote:
It could have looked like this:
The bluest, barest silk,
Travelling up your thigh,
Is a skim of mist
Over an orchard,
In the unclasping of the morning.
Doesn't it look more presentable and have a better flow? If you don't think so then...um...you can disregard everything I just said! I hope I helped a little.
Anyways, the piece was pretty good, keep it up!
~mybrokenreality