The Game

by ElephantGirl1

Published February 23, 2016

16+ Language

In Scribbles and Lines

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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Prologue

I just want to write words,

Just plain uninteresting, unimportant words.

I want to represent an idea,

An unimportant overlooked idea.

It starts with Sophia,

Just a plain uninteresting girl,

Who meets Jonathon

Who is a plain, uninteresting boy

However the story of how they met, and what they did, and how they survived-is interesting to the point of sitting-on-the-edge-of-your seat interesting. And this is how their tale goes.

THE NEXT DAY

Sophia was just cramming for an exam that was going to happen the next day when it finally happened. She crumpled to the floor in the middle of the library and finally saw her first. Her first what, you may ask? Well, her first ghost. You see, Sophia didn’t know she was a ghost whisperer until today-until this moment, when she turned 18, studying for her chemistry exam desperately.

Now it wasn’t just any ghost sighting. This was a flashback of a ghost-a ghost of a boy she had never met-never even heard of before. Hell! She didn’t know him from Adam, but she did see how he died…..

A dark night, and it was very windy. So windy that if you had a Kroger bag, it would just zoom right out of your hand. So windy that you are just as deaf as Hellen Keller, and because of how pitch black it is, you can’t see very well either-so you’re probably just as blind as her as well. And that is just what this mysterious stranger was doing…He had NO idea that when his mother sent him out for eggs and milk and maybe some bread-he had to call to check, that he would be killed an hour and forty-five minutes later. He had no idea about the game, and why he had to play and why he had to die. All he kept thinking was that he wished someone would help, and all of a sudden-he could see light and he could see books and he could see that he was in a library. But it was all too late-because he was stabbed right then. The eggs busted all over the sidewalk…..

Sophia had no idea, none at all that she actually saw what she had just seen. She blamed it on the tequila the night before-that got her behind for studying for her exam in the first place. No idea…..

Sophia was just shutting her locker-and wanted to beat her head against it instead. To her that test was rigged, and she calls bullshit on it being fair. She thought that Mr. Moody wanted to laugh at all the F’s he got and then it would make him feel better about his pathetic life. Just then, her friend Marian came up to her locker and she had excited bubbles in her eyes. Oh great, another story about her latest,

“Shut up!” She says into the phone that’s in her ear. She always has it up to her ear-it’s like another added limb, or something. Sophia knew that shortly after that she was going to be dragged into something she hated-and couldn’t do shit about it. “Of course I can, what time do you need us there?” Marian said, “Alright I’ll be sure to bring her.” Dammit, yahtzee, of course, Sophia thought to herself. Marian started, “Oh my-“

“Where are we going?” Sophia said in exasperation. She hated social gatherings, the weird dreams happened more when she was around people. So, to her people sucked. “Let me guess, the Copper?” Sophia new her friend’s regular hang out and she always knew that Marian liked to bring her along-so she could hook Sophia up with the cute-right-now guy’s friend or whatever. Marian had no idea about the visions, or about how the general population made them worse for Sophia. No one does, because to her-its just some freakish thing she’ll have to go on meds for. And Sophia has already been down that road. But when she finds out how she is connected to Julio and her purpose in ‘the game’ she will never be the same-medications be damned……

Chapter 1:

Sophie

SOPHIE!” Marian yelled across the quad, she wasn’t going to let Sophie off the hook about the party just yet. Sophie hates the parties Marian drags her too. She also hated the theme, dress, and the social aspect of it. She hates everything to do with parties, even the snacks that most people hoard. “Get your antisocial ass over here!” Yes, Marian is still mad. Well good, Sophie thought to herself, maybe she will quit asking for Sophie to go to the stupid gatherings anyway. It’s not Sophie’s fault that she got a creepy-dream-headache combo with an extra side of weirdness, and then fell on top of the snack table-embarrassing Marian completely.

Yes, my prison master.” Sophie says with a roll of her eyes and a sigh. She knew that Marian-when she gets started, you might as well get a chair.

What the hell? What? Why? Again, what the hell!?” She says as her face turns red in rage. She is actually stuttering she was all worked up. Marian always felt first, then talk later. All emotion with Marian. If she only knew though, if she only understood what Sophie went through. “I mean, I can’t even talk to Dean anymore! He won’t even fucking look at me! Because you spazzed out and RUINED my favorite sequin dress and feather-for your flapper-“

I didn’t fucking want to go anyway! Don’t you get that! People suck, and you’ll never understand….” As Sophie tries to walk away, Marian catches up, concern transitioning to her face instead of anger.

What happened Soph, did some asshole fuck with you at a party….? You’ve been different for three weeks now, and you’re starting to worry me girl.” She really and truly looked concerned but Sophie couldn’t tell her, not really. Yeah, she thought to herself sarcastically, I’ll just tell my friend that I am seeing visions of people dying-and when those visions happen, she falls over and then as Marian calls it ‘spazzes’ out. Just then, she saw a handsome stranger, playing with a black feather, chuckling to himself softly. She tried to see who he was but he was gone like a puff of smoke-just vanished. Great, she thought to herself with resigned, another weird thing to get used to.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2016

Happy Review Day.

I think this work is good on its own, but as it is it sort of annoys me. It seems to be rushing into the plot when it could spend some time with Sophia and her powers. It always seems like when we're touching on something important the author looks at their watch and screams "Oop, we're late" and leaves to the next plot point we barely understand.

Some flaws I've found:

-"She crumpled to the floor in the middle of the library and finally saw her first." This one line is confusing when going in. Yes, you specify later, but I suggest phrasing this a little clearer.

-"studying for her chemistry exam desperately." Studying desperately for her chemistry exam is better phrased, I think.

-"Oh great, another story about her latest," Her latest what? The relationship between Marian and Sophia is a bit muddled up, especially considering we're supposed to assume they're best friends, but you haven't given us enough development to see their friendship bloom. This is not a short story, you can afford to be a little lengthy for the sake of character development and the such.

-"Just then, she saw a handsome stranger" How is he handsome? Handsome is very subjective. You may think Dean Winchester, I may think Benedict Cumberbatch, some other poor dude might think Leo Dicaprio. Describe his facial structure, his eyes, that sort of thing. You can call him handsome, just specify later on unless a) he's not important to the storyline, b) he's a supernatural creature who looks different to everyone and fits to their standards of beauty.

Overall, not a bad work, but try slowing it down a little.

Signing Out--EM.

grandpaslippers wrote a review Review · Feb 24, 2016

Hello! I'm grandpaslippers and I was reading I thought I saw a few things I could help you out with so here goes!

Okay so overall this story is moving along pretty well! Your plotline's peeping his little head up and poking at me, what with the weird visions and the boy at the end. That's really good because it means you know where you're going with this story and it won't just fizzle out.

My favorite part is the beginning - that little riddle/rhyme thing is unique and a reader will definitely be captured by it (mwahahaha). So great job on that!

What I really want to focus on is your narration. As far as I can tell, your using second which is liked and preferred by most writers. I personally am terrible at writing in second but there is a classic storytelling feel to it that I've always enjoyed. So you do you, but I noticed in one or two parts the narration got a little wonky so I'd like to help you out with that!
(ok seriously how do people do those little quote things? Cause I can't figure it out :) )
"Well good, Sophie thought to herself, maybe she will quit asking for Sophie to go to the stupid gatherings anyway. It’s not Sophie’s fault that she got a creepy-dream-headache combo with an extra side of weirdness, and then fell on top of the snack table-embarrassing Marian completely."
Okay in this part, notice how she's thinking to herself but it's like she's referring to herself as Sophie. See what I mean? It's a little like, whoa, who's talking here? When she's thinking to herself, even though it's in second person refer to her in first. Keeping this in mind will really polish up your story and make it easier to read.

Alright one more thing. I noticed you use a lot of hyphens. Not really a bad thing - I do too!! However I've noticed that using too many of them bothers a lot of people and interrupts the flow of the story. Try to take out some of them and reword the sentences if you have to, or you can substitute commas in several places. Oh and put spaces on either side of the hyphen ( - ) that way it doesn't look like it's just a connected word and it's more clear to the reader.

Well that's about it! If you need anything cleared up or explained more in depth let me know and I'd be happy to help! I hope this was helpful to you and good luck with the rest of your story! :)



It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore