Chapter I
Meetings
“Steon? Stee--eon?!” A voice questioned pulling me out of my ‘sleep’.
“What” I yawned in surprise, expecting to see the gruff hangman bringing me back to the noose. They’d make sure I wouldn’t get away this time... But, wait! this voice was to soft, and kind. As I opened my eyes I was quite taken aback to see a young woman standing over me.
“Good morning sleepy!” She exclaimed, “My name is Aladie, but I find it’s quite all right if you just call me Alae.” She bent down and tousled my red hair.
Okay “So who are you, exactly?”
She looked at me, obviously confused, “Aladie, Alae to you--” She began, thinking I’d not heard her. I cut her off here.
“No, I heard that! I mean WHO are you? Why are you here? What do you want?”
“Oh, well why didn’t you say so! I’m of the Gracenio Coven, and you are here because you killed a LOT of people las night, so I brought you here.” Suddenly my sanity flew at me like a brick, and I realized I wasn’t wearing anything.
“Alae, you don’t happen to have something I could wear, do you?”
“Of course I do. Here.” She sighed, tossing me a bundle of clothes. I thanked her and got dressed, it was
a loose shirt and breeches. After I sat down next to Alae, on the cavern floor. “Now we’ve got some manners of sorts to go over, obviously by now you’ve figured out that I’m a vampire, and I know that you’re a werewolf, right?” She questioned.
I barred my teeth, and growled, the hair on the back of my neck rose.
Vampire...
∆
Steon’s transition began once again, his shirt was beginning to rip. “No!” Alae cried out, “Not now, please Steon, come back...”
∆
I don’t know what happened, nor could I possibly explain. But upon hearing Aladie's voice I snapped out of it. I’d not even known I could change before night.
Slowly I regained my self control and turned to face my mortal enemy.
“Vampire?!” my savior was a fricking vampire!?
“Well, I’d guessed you’d figured as much out, Steon, did you not wonder about my red eyes, fangs, and pale skin?”
“Well...” It was true, I’d been to busy with other things... Slowly Aladie stood up and sighed.
“Any way, I think I could help you with your self control.”
“You mean I could control my actions as a werewolf?”
“Possibly, you see my people have some hidden texts, although it would be nigh impossible for a pup to
view them.”
“Pup?” I growled out.
“Steon, you must realize that you’ve lasted but a life of mine, barely a piece of some. I could help you to
read them,but first you’d have to at least look like a passable vampire.”
“NO!!!! Oh no!” I yelled, the blood sucker was going to cut my hair and turn me!
“Steon, chill, I swear I won’t turn you! I won’t even cut your hair.”
How in the world did she know that?
“Um... I can read your mind, you see...”
“Right, no more private thoughts” Yay “I’ll never feel safe around you again.”
“Nice.”
“So you’ve heard my thoughts the entire time?”
“Yep, well, except for when you were transformed, you were a dead end then.”
“I see... What now?”
“Um... I don’t really know...”
“How long are you keeping me here?”
“Until you learn some control...”
~~~~~~~
Dun duh dun! tell me what you think, crit hard! 
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Elen! Glad to see you got this up! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here. >_< I've been kind of bogged down in real life, but I'm here now! <3
I. Little Things
What did the voice question? If it was asking a question, that's different than questioning something. Also, why the baby quotes? If it wasn't really sleep, maybe you could say something like 'my attempt at sleep' or something like that. ^_^
Is that the first thing he'd think? Not about all the people he'd killed? He wouldn't worry about that at all? Even think about it? He'd rather get some clothes on?
These should be on the same line and actually there's a recurring grammar problem in this quote. This particular thing happens /many/ times throughout your writing, so try to pay attention so you can weed the rest out.
Comma Splices
Comma splices are pretty common, so don't feel bad. I am sometimes victim to them as well. A comma splice is basically two complete sentences that are connect by only a comma. In your example, you have two complete sentences: I thanked her and got dressed AND It was a loose shirt and breeches. To fix this, you can do a few things. You can change the comma to a period or a semi-colon (if appropriate). You can also use a conjunction after the the comma. Another option would be to transform one of the sentences into a dependent clause by using a phrase like 'because' or 'while' or something like that. For example, to fix:
I went to get eggs, she got mad at me.
You could say, instead:
I went to get eggs. She got mad at me.
I went to get eggs, but she got mad at me.
Because I went to get eggs, she got mad at me.
Hopefully you can find the rest in your piece and be careful to avoid comma splices from now on!
The rest of this girl's dialogue has been formal and sophisticated, so this 'chill' seems very out of place.
II. General Things
I have to point something out here, but I'll let this article do all the dirty work: click
I'd like to add that most people skip over dialogue tags and they won't even read 'yawned', just because they assume it's a dialogue tag that explains the dialogue was said. :3
Be sure to check out the Knowledge Base for articles like that one. You can learn a lot by browsing. The KB can be found by hovering over 'resources' on the header at the top of the page and then clicking on Knowledge Base. ^__^
Please don't overuse ellipses. They are to be used sparingly, because otherwise they stick out. Use them only when it's completely necessary, otherwise it will make it feel like your whole piece is dragging and hesitant when you really want to write definite prose. :]
Ellipses, again. Also, take out things like 'um' from dialogue, because they're just filler. You should be able to communicate hesitation better than that. Also, do we need to have exactly the same powers as there were in Twilight? =/ Try something original for the girl!
The same thing here -- it's almost an exact parallel (mind reading, except one thing makes the power not work). Why not something different? Healing powers? Flying? Strength? A charming dance that makes people bend to her will? Anything. /Anything/ to get away from Twilight.
III. Overall
So, nothing much happened in this chapter and I don't think it's right to break it where you have. Put some more about the characters interacting. Tell us what they think of each other outside of whatever societal rules they have. Maybe cut to some past memories, some little hints about what these characters' lives were like before this point.
Keep working and keep writing. <3
PM me if you have any questions or if you put up another part, okay?
-Hannah-
What's with the 'Yay?'
Here is an article you might want to look at. It is about how to stop using synonyms. Also, and this once was a problem for me, you should put more actions, so we can picture the scene a little better.
As someone else has said, there are a LOT of presumptions.
PM me when you post the next chapter!
thanks, I know it's short, but I have yet to figure out loooooong chapters, so you'll have to deal for the time being. A diffrent book I started is longer (with chapters) but not much!
sorry again!
Ok my review wont be long as I liked it but
1. The chapter was unbelievably short and I hope that is only the first draft? Cause nothing happened really....
2. The whole thing just seemed rushed, I dunno how to actually explain it but well the conversation seemed very quick and sorta not real and you got into everything in like no time at all instead of building up some stuff etc
make what you will with my short review.