Heya there Elendur! Welcome to YWS. I'll be reviewing this for you.
Just a note, this isn't the begining
What I don’t understand is why you wouldn’t post the beginning. It would make much more sense but I’ll go along with it and tell you what I think.
Ærost walked onto the training field.
Telly. I’m sorry to say but it is rather telly. He walked out onto the field. It’s also kind of boring. Give your character some emotion. Was he happy? Was there a spring in his step? Was he whistling a jaunty tune? Give it more emotion to make it less blah.
Inhold was talking with Clæn in one corner.
Give this some description. What corner? What does this training field look like?
Ærost sighed, His father had come to watch his training session.
The comma after sighed should be a period
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
Inhold was a man in his late forties. He was heavily muscled and though his hair was starting to turn gray, despite his being one of the best swords masters in all of Álía.
I thought at first Inhold was the MC’s father and the other man was the one who trained him. Also, the bolded part should be reworded so it doesn’t confuse your reader. Something like this:
He was heavily muscled and though his hair was starting to turn grey, he was one of the best sword masters in all of Alia.
Although I’m not completely sure what his hair has to do with anything. Just because a man or woman has greying hair doesn’t mean they won’t be able to swing a sword as well as a younger person.
“There's not much more I can teach him my Lord Clæn.” Inhold replied. “We are working with edged swords today to improve precision. He has progressed rapidly since he started.” He turned a bit and noticed Ærost. “Ah. There you are. Are you ready for todays match?” He asked, drawing his sword.
The period after Clæn should be a comma. You aren’t ending a sentence there. It ends after replied. Check this article out to understand dialogue better
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
Lord Clæn drew off to the side of the training field, while Inhold and Ærost faced each other, swords in hand.
Ærost leaped forward, swinging his sword at Inhold's shoulder. Inhold's blade met his in midair. Ærost disengaged with a flourish, then gave a thrust which Inhold parried. They traded blows back and forth, seeking a weakness in the other's defenses.
Just thought I’d point out you spelt defences wrong. Just hit the spellcheck button and it will catch all the spelling mistakes. Too many of these and you’ll chase potential readers away.
Ærost sheathed his sword angerly. If only his fither would recognise him for something he did. Even once.
Angrily and father. Spelling mistakes again
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
Every time he looked at it the color amazed him.
But what is the colour of the egg? Please tell.
Ærost smiled in return, then started down the tunnel leading to the cave, conjuring a tongue of flame in his hand as he walked. Inhold followed still smiling to himself. As they entered the cave Ærost watched for Inhold's reaction to the griffin's nest. He wasn't disappointed when Inhold gave a start and started to reach for his sword.
Describe this cave and tunnel. Give it some more character. Were there drawings on the walls, or fungi of some sorts? Anything of interest? Heck, even describe the colouring and the texture of the walls. Just to make the whole thing more realistic.
~~~~~~~
This is an interesting story and considering I’ve never read the first part, I like where it’s going. It has much potential. Just a few things:
Description~ You defiantly need more of this. Your setting is rather blah seeming but with a few choice words and such you could have the perfect setting. Describe the training grounds, the MC’s home, the path that leads up to where the griffin cave is and the cave including.
Dialogue~ I know I gave you an article--which you should defiantly look at-- but I’ll explain it myself too.
“But I don’t want to.” Matt replied. This is a major no no.
“But I don’t want to,” Matt replied. You need to put a comma instead of a period. You may also use an exclamation mark or a question mark but no periods. Unless:
“But I don’t want to.” Matt crossed his arms and turned around, a pouty look on his face.
Hope that makes a little sense
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
Characters~ You really only described Inhold briefly. We--as readers--don’t know much about the others. Of course, later on I expect to learn more but perhaps give us a little more to go on. Don’t info dump, but gradually show us things. Example:
Chrissy flicked her long black hair over her shoulder and laughed.
Jack’s green eyes had taken on a angry glint and his strong looking jaw was clenched.
See?
Plot~ Like I said, this is pretty interesting. I like where you left off because it makes me want to know of the MC’s father’s life and about the griffin egg.
Just add more description and some more character development and your story will blossom
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
If you have any questions and when the next part is up PM me.
Happy Writing!
Meadow
Points: 7829
Reviews: 239
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