Do you feel it?
The thing that lives in you?
That angel....
The one that haunts you?
The one that takes all your anger, your sadness?
And turned it into rage!?
Its in you...
It won't let go of you.
It will always be there until it find a way to destroy you.
The Darkness....its closing isn't?
Repent it with the light, destroy it.
With Light, don't let the darkness take over.
Or else....
You will be lost in the darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Again Thank you all for your help.
I love to write and I'll keep writing.
Hey, Elena! Interesting poem, it reminds me of something I once read by Margaret Atwood.
One thing I would do is add more imagery. Try words with many meanings so that you can stretch the meaning of your work. You may consider exploring the qualities of light and dark with similes and metaphors. As a whole, it seems very ambiguous (but if that's what your going for, cheers) and the opposition of light and dark never seem to take any direction into an even deeper meaning.
The questions are a nice rhetorical strategy, it pulls the reader in to answer the inquiry; however, as darko.demark666 pointed out, the answers to the questions are supported with no evidence, thus leaving the readers to answer "No" to most of them--which, I'm sure is something you don't want.
Keep it up though, practice makes perfect!
I thank you for all of your advise, I'm trying to write it in paper than in the computer.
Letting the word flow into the pen, then to the paper.
Thank you
Ravenhill
Hello!
You have a great theme going in this poem, fighting darkness with the light and not being consumed by it, but the direction you take it is a bit strange and could use an edit.
First of all, you stick the whole poem in second person (you) which means that you're speaking directly to me, the reader, and telling me and forcing me into a particular way. This ruins most of the poems feel. I spend my time reading the poem thinking, "But my thoughts don't do that, my life isn't like this, this isn't me at all," and the effect is lost. If you want to keep the theme of fighting darkness, I would suggest changing this to third or first person. You can still have the theme, but you need to make it more accessible for the reader. Don't tell us your theme, show us someone fighting against their internal darkness and defeating it! Allow us to discover the theme. A theme should be in invisible ink on the back of the page - or in this case, behind the web browser.
The other thing you could work on is how you explain this darkness.
I already talked about how you do too much telling, but now I'm going to talk about how you can show your details. You talk about how the darkness takes anger and sadness and turns it into rage (also isn't anger and rage the same thing?), the darkness is closing in... These are interesting details, but with poetry, you need to make it visual, sensory. Some of the greatest things about poetry is that it makes the reader feel. Don't forget the power of imagery of the senses (describing things based on touch, taste, sound, sent, and sight), metaphors (direct comparisons), similes (direct comparisons with like or as) or symbolism! If you don't understand how to use these or what these are, do a quick google search for poetic devices and you'll get tons of information! It's a great way to add beauty to your poem and to bring it to life.
I hope this review helped! Best of luck.
I thought the title of this poem was really creative! great job.
Overall, I thought this was a very nice piece. =)
However, I thought there could be a few changes:
In the line "Its in you.." I'm sure you just missed this when
proof-reading it, but just in case you forgot, there's an apostrophe
in between the "It" and the "s".
Also, I think that the "..." that you ended after some of the sentences
sort of made it look a bit sloppy. Sorry! I don't mean to be too critical.
I really liked the part where you wrote:
"That angel....
The one that haunts you?"
I thought that was REALLY nice. It contradicted the usual symbol of an
angel representing a symbol of light and goodness. I really like that!
Overall, nice work!
Hello Elena! I'm Kat, nice to meet you.
I understand that you are new, but you have got to follow the rules. Please check them if you haven't. Here's the link.
The one you need to follow here is the 2:1 ratio. That means two reviews per post.
Now, I agree with many things darko said, including the ellipses things (the ...), but I'd like to point out that, in poetry, you have to watch those questions. Questions are not very good to throw in on poems, maybe one per poem, but three is something to watch out for. When you leave open questions, you leave meaning and emotion out, and the reader won't know. When the reader doesn't understand what's going on or what the message is, it means you'll have to make it more clear.
Example:
It haunts me? Why would it haunt me? Since when? <-- get the point?
Now, onto your flow!
Your flow is a bit messy at some points.
Example A:
Right here, this verse is too long, making the rhythm slow down, when on the next lines it picks up again to the previoust. Also, here anger is near rage, so I'd suggest you change 'rage', in the next line, to something else of close effect.
Example B:
Just these two lines that I've mentioned do something bad for your poem, so it's something that you'll need to fix
Overall: This poem was okat, overall a nice read, but it's not very original. The feeling of Darkness being compared to Light and how you shouldn't let yourself be lost to Darkness is very overused, and to make it a really good read you should make it your own, original and unique. You have some good spots of emotion and even imadery, but those are two things that are important in poetry, and two things you should consider on adding more. Here's an article about Imagery. It might help you
Questions? Feel free to PM me.
*Kat*
Hi, welcome to YWS
Not yet.
Actually, that sentence doesn't mean anything for itself. You'll need to connect it somehow to the previous one.
No envelopes, please.
Why the question mark?
Again the question mark. Also, the verse is too long, but I like the idea within.
Again too long.
Finally a perfect verse.
...and another perfect verse.
First advice, be direct to a reader, don't fool around. All this seems too sloppy and boring with all those envelopes and questions that brake this work into pieces that can't be together anymore.
And the repetitions...the one, the, the, they, the, that, the, it, it, it...
You're not hopeless, you have that something, but you aren't showing us that.
Please, be patient with the poetry. It has to come itself, you cannot force it to come to you. Just relax and read.