I run

I Run

Blood is running cold in my veins. I don’t know where to go, where to flee. I am running aimlessly in the middle of this street. My vision is blurred, my breath is dense and my lids are heavy. All I know is that I have to run… Run away from them. Flee before they catch me, hide before they find me.

They…..who? I have no idea. All I know is that they have been following me all the way through, that they want me… dead or alive.

Yet i know they will eventually find me, wherever I hide. They will seek me from the corners of the world and the deepest pits of hell and find me. I know that I will be caught… yet I flee, I run for my life… For my life? … Why do they want me dead? What could I have possibly done? Why are they chasing me? … Why?

Still I run… freezing, in this dark street in the middle of nowhere. This dark street…. Where am i?? Where am I heading to? … Where am I heading FROM?

I do not have the slightest idea of what has been happening. Where should I hide? Where should I go? … I know that they will catch me… yet I run, with the smallest possible ray of hope imaginable. I run, I flee.

My breath is heavy, I am panting and I slow down. My head seems to have been hammered. What is happening to me? I scream out in the dark. Loud… Louder. Yet my voice seems to die away in the darkness. My voice … strangled.

I can’t scream any more … my lids fall, my wrists clench, my head explodes with pain... And I fall out in the darkness, in the nothingness…

I die…

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Points: 557
Reviews: 67

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:50 pm

mistielovesyou wrote a review...

I like this because it is abstract. You seem to have been trying to convey a feeling rather than a story which was done pretty well.

Otherwise this story falls a little flat. You rely a lot on adjectives and cliches. Also you try to make the story mysterious, while at the same time telling us everything the protagonist is feeling.

Yet i know they will eventually find me, wherever I hide. They will seek me from the corners of the world and the deepest pits of hell and find me.

She doesn't know who they are, but she knows they will eventually find her? How does she know that? She doesn't know why they are chasing her...yet she still knows they will catch her? The feeling of fleeing I think you're trying for here isn't complete because there isn't consistent.

This might sound counter intuitive, but a little bit of narrative contrast would do you well. All the ellipses and question marks lead the reader to already know where you're going with the story, so the ending doesn't pack a big punch. And I also agree that more detail would work, but you seem to be going for a mysterious tone here.

But overall, I admire the fact that you were more concentrated on conveying the feeling of trying to escape. It's very difficult to write on a negative action like that, so good effort.

ElJoker says...

Hello Mistielovesyou!
thank you for the review...
i really liked your review and wanted to thank you to help me discover my mistakes and errors.
i'll try to improve and write again.
i'll be posting my new stories soon. please review them too..

thanks

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 3:37 pm

bellanova1218 says...

i haven't seen or read anything like this. In a good way though. The body of the story is complex and entertaining... The storyline is also complex in the story. I love it and I hope to see more of this.

ElJoker says...

Heyy Bellanova!

thanks.... its really great to feel appreciated.
keep track on my works, i'll be posting more soon.!

thanks...

Points: 16552
Reviews: 376

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:10 am

Trident wrote a review...

Hello ElJoker, here are some of my thoughts:

Blood is running cold in my veins. I don’t know where to go, where to flee. I am running aimlessly in the middle of this street. My vision is blurred, my breath is dense and my lids are heavy. All I know is that I have to run… Run away from them. Flee before they catch me, hide before they find me.

That first line is a bit cliche for me. I think you can do better than that. This is an interesting little story, though short.

Being mysterious and being vague

There is a difference here and not telling us anything about those who chase him is a mistake here I think. Not knowing who is chasing him feels like it might be a cool and mysterious detail to leave out, but for us as readers it is frustrating because we don't have that many other details to make up for it. We don't know a name or anything, so why should we care about this character.

???

The rhetorical question (along with a direct contact with your audience) is a device to use sparingly. Too many question marks spoils fiction because after each one the reader has to stop and try to answer the question in their heads. If it is used every other line, we just get annoyed.

The unconsciousness bit

This is perhaps one of the most overused ways to end a story, to fall into darkness or blackness or whatever. And in this case it is death. After reading this, I wondered why I cared that this person died. For the sake of having a death? The ending wasn't poignant or profound, it just was. And I don't think a death should ever elicit such a non-feeling.

Basically this story lacks details, and without those details there is just no way to let us care about your character.

ElJoker says...

hello Trident!
thanks for the review...
yeah i guess you are right in many of your points, but as i said in the description, this is just a small story i wrote whil i had nothing to do.
anyways, i'll try harder next time.
i'll be posting more soon, and review them too to give your opinion!

thanks!

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:05 am

Caesar wrote a review...

Hi there ElJoker! Nice avvie and welcome to YWS!

Anyways, onto the review.

This was indeed rather short! I'm not quite sure what to say other than general opinions -- your grammar was good, so I won't be nit-picking there. However, there are a few things for me to say.

Still I run… freezing, in this dark street in the middle of nowhere. This dark street…. Where am i??

Note that that i at the end isn't capitalized. That should be fixed! Furthermore, that added question mark isn't necessary. It doesn't convey confusion more than one would. If you do want to convey confusion, I recommend you set the scene briefly with some description (which is lacking here), then perhaps give some more space to the character's thoughts and emotions. I like where this is headed -- you could very well continue it! Except, not near the end because the character dies (I'll get back to that in a sec). Perhaps shed some more light on the character's background, or the setting. Or perhaps give us a horrifying glimpse of the creatures before death. As it's described, they do sound like actual creatures and not poetic metaphors! But if they're the latter, do correct me.

Now, about that death. It's very Shakespearian, as in Macbeth, where the little boy dies and warns his mother to flee. I wouldn't have thought s/he'd have time to realize he's dying, especially because it seems like such a violent and sudden death! Which, by the by, you could make more vivid by mentioning, even briefly, the pain.

In conclusion, this was rather good! A bit short, but good! I hope to read more of your work.

Hope this helped
~Ita

ElJoker says...

heyy LouisCypher.!

i liked your review and i think you understood the story all out.

i'll take your advices into consideration and try harder next time! i'll be posting more stories soon so keep track and keep reviewing to give your opinion!

thanks!

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I run

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