Published May 14, 2008
Flowing fingers stroke his skin,
dancing neatly over,
flouncy leaves,
swiftly seized,
swinging to and hither,
Passengers of foam and ferns,
he carries to and fro,
with drips and drops,
he never stops,
a subject to the flow
Gaps of light, a bird in flight,
curious he reaches,
drops like pearl,
explode and furl,
lay ripples on his features,
Light of day will fade away,
but river's dragging on,
through valleys, hills,
falls and thrills,
his gilded face is ... gone
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Canary word: Present
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
I like the rhyming it gives it a sense of innoccence, I can't see anything, but the river is shown most beautifully. Really it's just well worded and is almost like a meandering river in it flow and structure.
Overall: I can't say much more, except this earns a star.
Good luck
VSN
I kind of liked this poem, it's thought provocative. It definitely gives off a nice mood, though as Muteman says it does need something to tie it to the ground. Right now it's floating on the breeze and while that can be a good thing, a couple of lines to clue us in are always good.
Actually now that I re-read it, I really like it the way it is. It's interesting and it makes me think. For me, it gave the image of an innocent looking child by a soft river in fall, with a slightly darker ending.
Hmm, I can't decide if it would be better to tie it down or keep it this way. I really like the rhythm and the feel, but I don't really get it. Perhaps a few 'concrete details' to fasten it in place.
Very nice, but kind of confusing. I'm not sure if this helped much, but I tried. My overall advice is try to add some concrete details, I guess, but it's still very intriguing the way it is.
-cat4prowl
Needs more concrete details. Give us a name/place/whatever. You should make it specific as humanly possible, then hack and slash things away. Throw in some (VERY few) words like love or faith and stuff and you have a basic poem. I mean, I have little insight into what's going on. It just seems like a bunch of poetic images pasted together. I understand there's a boy/man. He's walking, and then he's gone. Needs more concrete images and description of what exactly is going on, then get pretty with it.