Young Writers Society

oh i loved it! Some bits more than others. I wasn't so sure about the line in the second stanza about fire and desire, because it's quite an obvious and used rhyme and i think you could do better.
I adore that final line! I bet your proud as anything about it! it just works so wonderfully well.
Be a little carefull about tenses and grammatical things as, although i may just be interpreting it wrong, in places it seemed that the grammar read a little wrong,
e.g. slowly growing, i not knowing
the 'i not knowing' just doesn't feel right.

Please understand that any critisism i have is purely constructive, as i think it's a really fab poem and it very beautifully written! Keep up the good work!

from charlie.

I enjoyed this poem a lot. However, in stanzas six and seven you changed your pattern of rhyming. You went from a pattern of 1-1, 2-2 to a patter of 1-1, 2-1. It just seemed sudden and out of place. Other than that, I saw nothing wrong with it. Maybe the last two lines of the poem should be one, but maybe that's just me.

The rhyme scheme in this piece earns a gold star from me. It's truly something to be beheld- even the way you slowly worked it around the beautiful yet simple imagery must have taken skill in itself. Although my only problem was in this stansa:

An overlooked small seed at best,

planted subtlety in my chest,

slowly growing, I not knowing.

Crashing down to meet the ground,

tragic love that can’t be found,

you broke my heart and made it stop,

so now I lay,

and slowly rot.

I see you're new here. Welcome and Well Done!

Really nice poem and the rhymes are almost always very impressive. The style id odd because the various stanzas have various patterns and lines...but it works well with this poem.

Amazing how you've brought out the tender emotion so deeply, a moving piece.

I have nothing to say against this poem, you've got talent.

An overlooked small seed at best,
planted subtlety in my chest,
slowly growing, I not knowing.

Deathly tired and sick I grew,
but still held hopeless love for you,
though reasons flawed, my limbs so clawed,
trapped, remembering how we flew…

This reeks so much emotion that I want to cry but I won't because then I won't be able to tell you how great of a poet you really are. The only problem I saw was the question mark after love in the fourth stanza. Wow, you're amazing!!
Keep writing,
Angel