Anaborhi, the young hidden "prince" of Nigeria, was running with a smile on his face. His hair, nappy and like wool had felt amazing when he was running. His whole body gave their most when he ran. Every little finger nail that he didn’t cut; every nose hair that he never trimmed; every muscle he didn’t train---flew almost effortlessly in the wind. And his feet did as well. Traveling quickly across the vast, immense rainforest in Uganda, as fast as the passing bird. His clothes looked raggedy, not like a prince but like a lowly servant.
A branch hit his shoulder, and while his arm moved to deal with the branch, he noticed his mom was not hot on his heels like she was always. Water fell from his eyes, but he had to fight for his chance of freedom. He wanted to be free from hiding, no matter the consequence.
He could open and step through the front door of his house. His mom put him here by having him. A third child was not supposed to exist. He would not lose. Not this time and onward! He would not have the cursed mark of a third child. His liberty depended on other people being free, too.
Since he was little, he wanted to play instead of being forced to stay inside, away from everyone else except his mother. Sometimes, he just wanted a breath of fresh air. Now, he was finally free. Out in the terrain of a rainforest, with a beautiful sun--yellow and large. He was surrounded by millions of plants, and it was humid. But, he still wanted to be there. The variety of life and beauty just made him stay like he was in quicksand.
He ran and run but his foot stuck to the confusing knots of plants. And a person seized his hands, as tight as possible. He tried to save himself. "Only if he ran faster, " he thought. He wanted the stamina of a wolf as he darted past trees too many to count, birds that flew through the sky and count, birds as fast as a fox.
He looked and saw a man who had the appearance of a guard. Tall and straight, strong and fierce. His dark handsome face held eyes that showed true determination. His hair was nonexistent but the rest of his body spoke. And his legs looked like a Kenyan, fast and trained. Anaborhi was too slow to outrun this man. He would never be fast enough.
The man's eyes seemed to be calm yet he looked ready to strike at any time. The man smirked as he released his hands.
¨Prince Anaborhi, imagine a scenario in which another person got you. Like your father or one of his guards. Do you want me to tell your mother, Nita, about this? ¨the man asked, scrutinizing him and shaking his head.
¨¨Watch what you say as you tell me your answer, ekpa [fool/ young one]. I am Uvi, member of the Queen's Royal Guard, and my mission is to get you¨.
Anaborhi rubbed his head and noticed a sweat droplet fall down. Did his mother send this man? He rubbed his temple then said, ¨Okay, okay. I see what you're saying, Uvi. Remember, I am the son of a president but not a king. I will go to the castle, so I can do nothing. But before I do that. DJE! [Run!]¨.
¨You think you can fool me prince?¨ Uvi asked, grabbing Anaborhi's shirt as he tried to run. Anaborhi sighed; he hoped for his mother to not stress over this like she always did.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
*waves*
Hey there! I'm needing something to review so I thought I'd swoop in here and get this out of the Green Room for ya. :] Apologies if there are any typos or other errors in here. I'm using my phone to type this up. :p
It seems like you've kicked this novel off to a great start! A young "prince" is running buuut he is caught. Whoops. I like how the opening paragraphs hint at this young man's character. He likes to run, he likes to be free - I was swept up in the beginning by your writing. It was beautiful! And (as a quick side note), I love the setting. I haven't read many stories on this site that are set in Nigeria, so this is neat.
I will say that once the other character was introduced, I became a little confused. As our prince is running, someone seizes his hands. That sounds strange enough to me yet he somehow keeps running... Then he looks and sees the man, who eventually releases his hands. No mention is made of Anaborhi slowing down, which I find strange. I think that section of the story could use more clarity. It was all rather fuzzy and I truly don't understand how it all came about.
That is really the only critique I have right now. You leave some questions remaining for the reader, which is great. It makes me want to read more; figure out Anaborhi's life and exactly what is going on here. I'm not sure how to feel about the translations of some words being in the text. It kind of made it clunky. You might want to consider putting the translation below the text for the reader to check out. Almost as a side note or author's note. Though I think it's awesome in general that you're using another language in here.
Thanks for sharing this story! I hope you continue writing and have an awesome day. :]
cheers!
~rosette
Hello there ox here with a review
this is one example where you tell us, however you could show us this information and thus bring us closer to the storyGeneral comments-
Even though I am sure you've heard it a million times, Show don't tell. In fact you did pretty good with the whole desire to be free and the guard coming to get him and that but there's area where it could be improved
More imagery there's so much more imagery you could put in here to bring us in to the story.
Your telling us in third person but it feels more like it's being told in first form the point of view of the prince. And I feel like it would just be better to tell if form the pov of the prince? i mean it could bring us in and be a bit less confusing.
The flow of this needs a bit of work.
There are just English mistakes throughout but it's rather minor so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Nit picks/examples-
another great example of where you could show us instead of tell us. It's also a great place where you could add more imagery. Perhaps add a flash back of him wandering in great halls noticing carving of beasts that he wanted to see or something like that.
Praises-
It's a pretty interesting idea and the characterization is pretty interesting. The idea and hook is pretty well played off. It also makes us pretty interested and caring for in the character early on which is good.
Keep on writing hopes this help, feel free to ask any questions!
Ox