I’m blocked until I open the window
and in you come, slipping in with the rain.
Back again, my naughty friend, to put your
bad, bad thoughts into my brain.
Writing! My sultry lover,
you’re back again!
You’re like a shot of liquid inspiration,
being with you is like being on vacation.
Now you’re back to stay a while with me
let’s pose for the paparazzi,
‘cause honey you know,
we get along famously.
You know you want me,
my sweet burst of creativity.
A meeting of minds it’s about time,
we got back together to shake it all up.
Don’t mind if it hurts to leave you again,
I’ll save the notes you leave for me for a rainy day.
Take your stuff and close the door,
I’ll edit your remnants and hope for more.
Oh, writing, my naughty, naughty amigo,
easily come and easily go.
It’s sad to see you’ve limited time for me,
you who comes and goes so fleetingly.
No, writing, you don’t care for me,
yeah, writing you treat me badly,
but I’m damn if I don’t love thee.
Yeah I’m damn if I don’t love thee.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I absolutely love this. Seriously. The idea of writing as a cheating lover is both hilarious and uncomfortably close to the truth.
Still, there were a few things I thought you could improve. As xanthan says, in some places it becomes obvious you've stretched for a rhyme (especially with "amigo") which detracts from the overall flow of the poem. Also, you need to be careful of your punctuation; there are some places where sentences run into each other, and it woul dbe nice to clean things up a bit for the reader. Other than that, I would recommend trimming some of the longer lines if possible so that they don't have to be rushed to fit the rhythm. Otherwise, the flow is just right and the tone is awesome.
Kudos on a great piece - I hope you continue to improve it
Cheers,
~bubbles
I love how you use "yeah" and "thee" in the same line. It shows such an intense contrast, like a mix of old school courting and new school parties. In fact, I suggest you use more, to amplify the contrast. Despite this, I think it also needs a little sweeping up. I love the idea of the poem so much and I would love to see if fulfill its full potential. For example, words like "bad" and then the mixed up (and somewhat forced) slant rhyme definitely robbed the work of its prestige. The line "naughty, naughty amigo" made me laugh, too, but not in a good way, so maybe you'd want to work out something with that.
All in all, I honestly do love the potential behind this extended metaphor. I just think you need to revise and send it out again.
It's really good and the grammar and punctuation was tight. My only problem is that you kind of mix and match romantic wording with modern stuff, like when you have the worlds "thee" and "yeah" in the same line. I don't really think it works so well. Maybe you did it on purpose? To show a contrast? But I don't really understand why...?
Also, in the first verse you use 'back again' twice- maybe reword it?
But I did like the thoughts behind this; writing as a cheating lover. Tis clever.
xxxx