When Running

Hey!! How do?
Firstly, the feeling that this poem evoked within me was magical. The atmosphere was so rich, and the imagery so visceral! ARGH! amazing - beyond words.

I can't say I can fault you technically - you are a far superior poet than I, and I cannot see any fault in this piece.

Thud, thud, thud.

Lovely repeated use of onomatopoeia

I see things [s]that[s] I think are there.

"that" ruins the metre of this line.

Sweat falls like the rain

I really like this line for two reasons. First, the pathetic-fallacy is genius! And the simile is nice too.

Bang, bang, bang.

Nice repetition of the onomatopoeic device.

To join the Calvary.
The Spanish and the French need me.

A little irrelevant lol - but the imagery is so sumptuous! LOVE IT!


I felt that the ending was a little weak, and the structure of the lines changed a little too much; which made my read feel awkward...Unless you wanted to convey the anxiety of your narrator to the audience, through this feature? If so - Bravo!!!

Love
Kris
x

Hey Eimear, I liked this piece, however there were some rough spots.

Thud, thud, thud.

Perhaps I am light-headed,

I know that It is perfectly OK to say 'I am' But It slows the poem down, and you don't want that in a fast paced poem, you are running aren't you?

my breath’s too short for air.

But when running in the dark at night

I see things that I think are there.

Maybe you could say 'I see things that aren't there' I think that flows more nicely

Sweat falls like the rain

my muscles swelling like the clouds

Are those leaves chasing litter?

I haven’t time to stop or stare.

I loved this little part, however i don't really understand the third line of it. I think you should replace 'litter' with a different word, unless it means something in the poem. Great Imagery

Car headlights investigate my face.

Perhaps I am a convict,

Perhaps this is a chase.

Nothing wrong here, i just wanted to say that I loved this part, it was Great Eimear!

My lungs are poisoned, I will go blind,

so the ground beneath me is my brail,

I think that you should take out 'so' It sounds better (in my opinion )

my ghostly breathing is my trail.

Pulse, pulse, pulse.

My blood is running still,

and yet, unlike my clumsy feet,

It does not spill.

this, i think, was a little forced, It doesn't seem to fit. Maybe re-word it?

Bang, bang, bang.

My own echo, or a distant search party?

I know where I am running to.

To join the Calvary.

The Spanish and the French need me.

No, I must return to honesty.

The first three lines were amazing! However the last three lines were very... random.
they don't really fit into the rest of the poem, maybe there is something I'm not getting?

For all I’m doing

when running,

Is doping on adrenalin

That’s all. Certainly.

And yet--

Is that my shadow…

or someone following me?

This stanza just sounds a little odd to me, I think that the 'Certainly' is an out of place word, but then again i feel that i needs to be there!

I liked the last two lines of the stanza, It tied up the poem (At least i think it did)



I liked this poem, Eimear, and i think it can turn into something very good, just keep improving it.

Remember, even if you take out a few things, it's ok.

I wish you the best luck.


---Jon---

I've quoted as well to give suggestions to help the rhythm. The subject is good!

Eimear wrote:Thud, thud, thud.
Perhaps I am light-headed,
my breath’s too short for air.
But when running in the darkness [s]at night[/s]
I see things [s]that[/s] I think are there.
Sweat falling like [s]the[/s] raindrops,
[s]my[/s] muscles swelling like the clouds -
are those leaves chasing litter? -
I haven’t time to stop or stare.

I liked the leaves chasing litter image!

Car headlights investigate my face.
Perhaps I am a convict,
perhaps this is a chase.
My lungs are poisoned, I will go blind,
so the ground beneath me is my braille,
my ghostly breathing is my trail.
Pulse, pulse, pulse -
my blood is running still.
And yet, unlike my clumsy feet,
it does not spill.

I do agree about the rhythm of the last section though. I wanted to add two syllables to the last line. Although actually on another read through I read it 'does - not - spill', which works.

Bang, bang, bang.
My own echo, or a distant search party?
I know where I am running to -
to join the Calvary.
The Spanish and the French need me!
No, I must return to honesty.

Although I didn't know what the 'Bang, bang, bang' was (is that just to mean whatever we interpret? Like car doors or wheely bin lids? ), this section to me was the runner just getting carried away in her imagination, inventing reasons she is running (where 'I am running to'). It links with 'doping on adrenaline'.

For all I’m doing
when running
is doping on adrenaline.
That’s all. Certainly.
And yet--
Is that my shadow…
or someone following me?

The rhythm of the last section generally works well, although at times the stress falls on the wrong syllables (the way I read it anyway). Maybe try:

For all I'm doing
when I'm running's - I don't like this contraction but it fits the rhythm.
doping on adrenaline.
That's all, certainly. - This line is awkward.
And yet -
is that my shadow...
or somebody after me?

Maybe have those last three lines as a new stanza?

Overall, I really liked the idea behind this and the rhythm that, for the most part, reflected the pounding of the speaker's feet.

Hi Eimear. I think that Leja got everything but I'm going to try my best.

Thud, thud, thud.

Perhaps I am light-headed,

my breath’s too short for air.

But when running in the dark at night

I see things that I think are there.

Sweat falls like the rain

my muscles swelling like the clouds

Are those leaves chasing litter? (What does leaves and litter have to do with each other? Find something else.)

I haven’t time to stop or stare. (I read this line and it reminded me of OneRepublic's "Stop and Stare.":))



Car headlights investigate my face.

Perhaps I am a convict,

Perhaps this is a chase.

My lungs are poisoned, I will go blind,

so the ground beneath me is my brail, (This line confused me. What does ground and brail have to do with each other?)

my ghostly breathing is my trail.

Pulse, pulse, pulse.

My blood is running still,

and yet, unlike my clumsy feet,

It does not spill.



Bang, bang, bang.

My own echo, or a distant search party?

I know where I am running to.

To join the Calvary. (Question mark at the end if it's a question.)

The Spanish and the French need me.

No, I must return to honesty. (Do you mean "No, I must return honestly."?)



For all I’m doing

when running,

Is doping on adrenalin(e)

That’s all. Certainly.

And yet--

Is that my shadow…

or someone following me?

I thought it was a good poem, minus the few typos. I have to agree with Leja, though: it changed from realistic to a little bit of confusion.

I hope I helped and PM me if you need anything.

-alwaysawriter

Aloha, Eimear! Below are some suggestions for the rhythm; the easiest way to tell if you like the rhythm or not (I think) is to read it out loud

Eimear wrote:Thud, thud, thud.
Perhaps I am light-headed,
my breath’s too short for air.
But when running in the dark at night
I see things [s]that[/s] I think are there.
Sweat falls like the rain
[and] my muscles swell[s]ing[/s] like [s]the[/s] clouds
Are those leaves chasing litter? <-- Like cat litter? If so, that brings unnecessary comedy when there previously was none; consider something else
I haven’t time to stop or stare.

Car headlights investigate my face.
Perhaps I am a convict,
Perhaps this is a chase.
My lungs are poisoned, [s]I will[/s] I'll go blind,
so the ground beneath me is my [s]brail[/s] braille,
my ghostly breathing is my trail. <-- I like this line
Pulse, pulse, pulse.
My blood is running still,
and yet, unlike my clumsy feet, <-- between this line and the next, there needs to be more syllables
It does not spill.

Bang, bang, bang.
My own echo, or a distant search party?
I know where [s]I am[/s] I'm running [s]to[/s].
To join the Calvary. <-- if this is a question, it needs a question mark
The Spanish and the French need me.
No, I must return to honesty. <-- where did she depart from honesty? Did you mean "honestly"?

For all I’m doing
when running,
Is doping on adrenalin[b]e
That’s all. Certainly.
And yet--
Is that my shadow…
or someone following me?

Around the second to last or the last stanza, I was kind of confused. The poem had changed from something very realistic to confusion and abstract thought. Keep some of the initial imagery of the feet pounding on the ground and the blood rushing through the head to keep it grounded a little more in reality.

Happy writing!