Suppose you stop and say aloud,
‘Who murdered this child on the street?’
Alas, the little fingers point,
To the policeman on his beat.
From Ghana to Romania,
The situation is the same.
Of the shadows in the system,
The children with no name.
I ask you as you read this,
To spare a thought today.
Their young lives are on knife’s edge,
With no parents, there is no pay.
Who will give their woes a voice?
The officials pass the buck.
They look at them like blemishes,
Their towns, tarnished with muck.
But you and me see clearly,
We alone, have the proof.
Of the children with no name,
The cities without truth.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, thanks for all the fab critques, they were all really helpfull and I'm in the process of re-drafting this piece. Thanks very much!
Eimearxx
I love this idea and the way you produced the poem!!
The title is great and Id like to say thanks 4 writing on this topic!! Good on ya!! Love it
Well done.
Dofs...
Pretty solid idea, and good on you for writing about it. The faults I found in this were basically its obviousness and its vagueness.
I wanted to feel for these kids and the oppression of the "system", I really did. But I think the fact that you told us so objectively, so drily, so vaguely, didn't make the poem as powerful as it should have been. Add some details, of the emotion, the landscape, these people. Show us these are people, and why we should feel for them.
Don't ask us to read it. Make us. Draw us in. Make us have no choice but to read it, because we want, need to know, and we feel the passion emanating from your poem.
These sort of direct lines don't use emotion or poetic tehniques to get your point across, they're just telling us what's going on. We can get that in a news report. You need to show us what's going on, not tell us. Then your poem will be powerful and revealing.
I didn't really like this poem, while it was meant to be sad it did not give a good picture and while you tried to keep the meter, it was just too awkward to do such. This poem seems to be more about pointing blame then establishing a mood or feeling, its also prose.
I like the way you started strong and ended strong. It was like a small book where I got everything I needed to know. I could picture a black and white film. A man is walking down the street along with countless others. The unknown child is lying there everyone just looks down at him and pays him no mind. His clothes are tattered and the people are rich and snotty looking. No one cares about this child without a name until a rich, respected guy stops and acknowledges him. He beckons for the officer who finally takes notice. People see the commotion and finally stop to see if everything is alright. Which brings up the moral that it takes only one man/woman to do the right thing for others to follow. Loved this poem!!
Sorry for the long comment, that's just what I saw
This was a great poem. It really got me thinking. Sad, so sad.
Keep writing!!