Published May 18, 2008
Rising, rippling currents
catch your fallen words on wind,
the rushing of the sea deafening;
‘Come with me, love- come with me!’
I shake my head, staring up at you,
from solid earth.
Such a beautiful array of rainbows,
fill my eyes with delight, a half smile creeps
Across my face, what a life it would be!
With you, a smile for a mouth,
and a gleam for your eyes, endless
days of adventures and surprise--
In that hot air balloon, silken
sails of crimson and sunshine yellow,
captain of hearts and skies.
How could I stand the altitude,
and the softness of the clouds?
Yet your hand, runs through
my mind a million times a night.
You’re bound for better places,
Ones that breath without me.
‘I want you to be happy, I’d
just tear your new worlds apart’
But you hang over the side and yell
‘Love- how could I live, when in your hand,
You hold my heart?’
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140,673 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
This was really good! It's so sweet!
I really like it! I love the message.
I didn't really see any gramatical problems or phrasing. I really liked it. XD I love the metaphor you use!
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! =*(
Jamie
Wow! This poem was beyond captivating. I really enjoyed it. I couldn't find any mistakes. However, there was this one line that I didn't really flow in my opinion;
But yeah other than that line wow! I loved it!
-Katsuro:]
It was pretty and pretty good. I just felt it was lacking a really effective ending.
" 'Come with me, love' " I don't think "love" works very well here. Generally speaking it's (for me at least) associated not with deep love but used casually as a general expression. I think "my love" would be better suited to the tone of the poem.
That should be "breathe" I believe.
Missing some sort of punctuation at the end of that line.
I think that your descriptions have a certain vividness that makes the poem enjoyable to read (Quite a feat).
I feel you sometimes fixate upon creating the perfect image and sacrifice meaning.
The descriptions are lovely. But I'm left rather unfulfilled. It doesn't offer me anything in particular. It's love - love with a nice backdrop (though that's a bit glib. Captain of hearts and skies etc., works well).
I just feel that a description such as "a beautiful array of rainbows" goes nowhere. The poem seems, at parts, to be more about the setting than the love.
But what, probably, draws me to these things is the lack of some definitive ending, I feel if you had that I wouldn't contemplate any of this.
The final two lines aren't so revelatory as I would have liked. It would seem given such a hot air balloon (I thought it was a great choice) adventure (whether real or a fantasy - Intentionally ambiguous?) that love would, assumably, exist. I feel you need something stronger to end on, the heart in hand description itself is also somewhat of a let down given the previous descriptions. Because without a knock-me-out ending, it could be just another poem about love, better expressed, described and set than most but still just another love poem.