This was really good! It's so sweet!
I really like it! I love the message.
I didn't really see any gramatical problems or phrasing. I really liked it. XD I love the metaphor you use!
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! =*(
Jamie
z
Rising, rippling currents
catch your fallen words on wind,
the rushing of the sea deafening;
‘Come with me, love- come with me!’
I shake my head, staring up at you,
from solid earth.
Such a beautiful array of rainbows,
fill my eyes with delight, a half smile creeps
Across my face, what a life it would be!
With you, a smile for a mouth,
and a gleam for your eyes, endless
days of adventures and surprise--
In that hot air balloon, silken
sails of crimson and sunshine yellow,
captain of hearts and skies.
How could I stand the altitude,
and the softness of the clouds?
Yet your hand, runs through
my mind a million times a night.
You’re bound for better places,
Ones that breath without me.
‘I want you to be happy, I’d
just tear your new worlds apart’
But you hang over the side and yell
‘Love- how could I live, when in your hand,
You hold my heart?’
This was really good! It's so sweet!
I really like it! I love the message.
I didn't really see any gramatical problems or phrasing. I really liked it. XD I love the metaphor you use!
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! =*(
Jamie
Wow! This poem was beyond captivating. I really enjoyed it. I couldn't find any mistakes. However, there was this one line that I didn't really flow in my opinion;
Eimear wrote:Across my face, what a life it would be!
It was pretty and pretty good. I just felt it was lacking a really effective ending.
‘Come with me, love- come with me!’
Ones that breath without me.
just tear your new worlds apart’
Such a beautiful array of rainbows,
fill my eyes with delight, a half smile creeps
Across my face, what a life it would be!
With you, a smile for a mouth,
and a gleam for your eyes, endless
days of adventures and surprise--
In that hot air balloon, silken
sails of crimson and sunshine yellow,
captain of hearts and skies.
Love- how could I live, when in your hand,
You hold my heart?’
Points: 1240
Reviews: 79
Donate