Young Writers Society

Hi Eimear! I’m sorry this is so late. Various things were getting in my way, aye. ^^ But! Let’s get this critique going:



The night sings sweetly,

it dances toward the city’s light. < I think you’d do better here by taking out the “it” and making “dances” into “dancing”

It’s on nights like these that memories happen,

and streetlamps flicker in delight.



Days are bright,

but their truth has left me blind.

They let you down, they last too long,

oh, night to me is much more kind. < I don’t like “Oh” here, it just seems very breathy and ick. Taking it out won’t hurt your poem at all. Though I’d suggest adding a “the” to the start of the line.



A night, sings a sweeter song. < I don’t like the comma here, you can do without it. I’d take away the full stop here, let it continue onto the next line.

It’s touch is quiet and close, < I’d start this line with an “and” and end with a full stop. These first two lines connect slightly better than the second and third, and I feel they run together better.

And it whispers, like feet on cobbles, < Remove “and” here.

with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose. < Place a semicolon in place of the comma here.



I can see us now, on the wall,

fresh smoke rising from your face.

The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,

just like we pass our fears, and share this place. < This is a bit of an icky line. There something just so… rehearsed about “we pass our fears” that makes me scrunch my nose when I read it. Maybe look over it and think about a different phrase, or taking this to a five line stanza instead?



So feel the wind, drop your mask, < I think that you could swap the comma for an “and” here.

let our worries rise like amber kites.

Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us < I think you could swap this “and” for a comma or maybe a “so” and it would flow a little better.

as the night sings sweetly,

as the night sings sweetly < I dislike this repetition. I’d do without it, completely.

toward the city’s lights.


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Well, I like this. I know I’ve made a lot of suggestions, but I like the feel and the idea of the poem as a whole. There are a few parts I just don’t like, but I’ve explained those.

I do have a problem with the end… purpose of the narrative. It’s like… you started off with one intention but it feels like along the way you lost it and ended up where you are? Maybe it’s just how I’m reading it, but it feels somewhat disconnected.

Now, all my suggestions are basically subjective, as all poetry is. But I’d love if you considered them; I think it would really help.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Sup' Eimear? long time no speak eh? i hope you're ok.
Anyway - "LET US, OUR BUSINESS COMMENSE!", to quote Moliere ;P

Firstly I think your structure is inspired! it really is. The rhyming pattern of ABCB was lovely - it feels like it is not going to make a rhyme but then it does weeeeeee.

Eimear wrote:The night sings sweetly

I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.

The night sings sweetly,

it dances toward the city’s light.

It’s on nights like these that memories happen,

and streetlamps flicker in delight.

Days are bright,

but their truth has left me blind.

They let you down, they last too long,

oh, night to me is much more kind.

A night, sings a sweeter song.

It’s touch is quiet and close,

And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,

with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

I can see us now, on the wall,

fresh smoke rising from your face.

The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,

just like we pass our fears, and share this place.

So feel the wind, drop your mask,

let our worries rise like amber kites.

Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us

as the night sings sweetly,

as the night sings sweetly

toward the city’s lights.

AAAWWWWWWW!!!!!! I loved this poem. It was soooo sweet. I think I like the night time way more than I like the day time. This poem reminds me of my boyfriend for some odd reason. This was excellent writing, but the only little flaw I saw was that in this stanza:

Eimear wrote:A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

this was wonderful! theres nothing else i have to say...

great job!


-GC10

this is a really good piece that manages to keep my attention and not only that but it balances the elements of darkness and love. it reminds me of a scene in an old romance movie kind of. your voice is used well in this piece and also your vocabulary is used well in your description and your telling of what is happening. sometimes though it feels as if the rhyme is forced. but overall great piece.

Eimear wrote:Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind.

A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

At times it seemed to drag on a little with the "well the night is better than day because etc.", between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. The flow and rhythm could've been better also. However, I'm really digging that dark back alley/jazz club filled with smoke/slow atmosphere of the poem, so 1+ for you

This was so beautiful I can't even explain how magical this poem is. Wow. I didn't see any grammatical errors but I don't think you should change anything. It flowed really nice and I agree, night is really better than the day...its the best time to write.

My favorite stanza is:

The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.