Suppose the closest way to death,
That ever shimmering veil....is depression?
I think that's what I’ll do.
On a night’s harsh wind, maybe I'll take
The next road, and walk until morning.
And I'll meet him, the man who does the work
And I'll make him a deal,
I'm not fooling myself.
I know it isn’t real.
But from what I've learnt...hate is ice
And love, wanting, needing her back- is fire.
But I want her back, I want that desire
Because I can't stand being happy, it won't suffice.
Death isn’t something physical- like loneliness.
I am the same person.
I always will be.
But I am…. less.
So I’ll make that man a deal.
I will never smile again.
'I swear to be sad all my life. You win, death'
And so I tumble into depression,
That great wave.
'Listen, I can hear her breath'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You have made some really interesting points here and I think most of the content is adequate, maybe you just need to rethink some structural parts such as:
Perhaps think about deleting a line or re-wording this section.
It kind of contradicts what you are saying here
This is just a suggestion of mine..
On the contrary the rest of the content is rather thoughful
Well done..
Dofs....
I enjoyed reading this! Please PM me if you post any more of your works.
The rhyme was really great here. I'm not so sure about the content though. It seemed a little emo-ish, and a lot of the time you were telling rather than showing.I'd cut lines like;
'I think that's what I’ll do. '
'I'm not fooling myself.
I know it isn’t real. '
'But I want her back, I want that desire
Because I can't stand being happy, it won't suffice.'
'I am the same person.
I always will be.
But I am…. less'
'So I’ll make that man a deal.
I will never smile again.
'I swear to be sad all my life. You win, death'
and replace them with more imagery. Maybe try engaging more of the five senses, I think it will help.
You have some interesting lines here,and I love the chilling snippet of dialogue at the end.
Hope this helps.
Jas