Published September 28, 2008
In my dreams I took a train last night,
and beheld old London’s ancient lights.
And met a little figure with heavy pails in his eyes
who told me the truth, by way of telling me lies.
Oh black mark of the system,
with a whistle and a skip for a racket and din.
How did you come to wander, the streets that you’re in?
White faced you stare longingly at the shops’ shelves,
poor mite, I hope your parents are ashamed of themselves.
Oh tricksy spirit of London,
who only Dickens would blow the trumpet for,
they told me boys like you didn’t exist anymore.
You don’t even seem to care your misery is falling apart,
with those honey eyes, your pick-pocketing my heart.
Oh Oliver Twist,
why do you haunt me so?
with little bloody feet, heavy thro my head you go.
Come rest your eyes, you’re fading fast my daring spark.
I’ll be your guiding saint, your candle in the dark.
Oh my little orphan
With black teeth and quick fists,
I’ll spirit you away, from all of this.
We can cross Westminster bridge, leave the east end
I’ll be your family, I’ll be your mate, I’ll be your friend.
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
Hey Eimear! I don't think I've read anything of yours in a while...
That first line feels as though it was forced from "Last night in my dreams I took a train". It might work better as "I took a train in my dreams last night". Furthermore, the rhyming doesn't quite work. The first is singular, the second is plural. You could get away with it though
Get rid of an unnecessary syllable here. I don't completely understand this anyway--what are you trying to show?
Nitch the comma.
That breaks the soft rhythm--I struggle to say that aloud. What about 'hungrily'?
You're.
Alright, I loved this. There are a few odd wordings but generally the lines were very effective and I slowly began to enjoy the poem. Gah, the truth is, I'm rubbish at reviewing poems.
I struggled over this line:
To me, this either means he's getting happier (misery breaking away) or that you meant to say his life was breaking away. Surely the first would be a good thing?
Anyway, I enjoyed that!
-Blink