Young Writers Society

Eimear wrote:**
Someone to shoot the stars with me

Tell me what you want kid,
I’ll empty my pockets, it’s true!
Ever since you made life worth living,
I’ve pledged my earth to you.

Chorus
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me.

God was having a good day
When he figured we’d be saved,
‘Cause you’re hand fits mine so snugly,
Fate’s walked the road we’ve paved.

Just looking at you’re little face, tears
The biggest jewels you’ve known.
Livin’ in a country blasted by war
A song rises in your hopeful tone….

So rely on me forever,
And we’ll see the madness through.
I’m not that great at loving,
But believe in me my darlin’

I’ll shoot the stars with you.
I’ll shoot the stars with you.

Okay, E. These are the first lyrics by you that I've read. And they're great. I only hope I could hear the melody, but the one I imagined to it was OK. It's so cool you're writing a musical.

All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me.

Just looking at you’re little face, tears

I adore this! It's so cute, AND well-written.

Just one error:

'Cause you're hand fits mine so snugly -> 'Cause YOUR hand fits mine so snugly.

A minor typo there. No big deal. I just thought I'd let you know in case you haven't noticed.

Good job! I look forward to seeing some more of your lyrics.

As I said for your last song, this needs a lot of work, but that's why I'm here! I'll do something I don't usually do, and start off with my comments. I found tht a lot of this read more like dialouge than a song. Are you writing with a firm tune in mind? Because I always find it difficult to dd in a tune later. Now, onto my line crit,

Tell me what you want kid,
I’ll empty my pockets, it’s true! It's true that this part has a rhythm, but it doesn't have a beat. It speaking, not singing. Either re-write it, or let us know that it's spoken
Ever since you made life worth living,
I’ve pledged my earth to you. These two lines are a bit funny. I'd re-write this whole paragraph, because it's not lyrics, it's just dialouge to me.

All’s I want from this big world, All's? Do you mean All?
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me. The second and third line were good, but I'm not so sure about this one. I'm still having trouble singing his, and this line really interrupts the whole thing

God was having a good day
When he figured we’d be saved,
‘Cause you’re hand fits mine so snugly,
Fate’s walked the road we’ve paved. Again with this bit, a tune. Righ now I don't think you're writing with a tune, I think you're just writing things hat rhyme. That may work for poetry but not for lyrics.

Just looking at you’re little face, tears What's the tears in there for? It disturbs the rest of the verse, get rid of it
The biggest jewels you’ve known. This is a bit random. One minute it's her little face, and now it's jewels?
Livin’ in a country blasted by war
A song rises in your hopeful tone…. I like these last two lines, bt they still need work



Again, I can't stress enough the importance of writing without a tune. It doesn't seem like a song to me, just dialouge that's be formatted weirdly. This piece does need a lot of work.

Sorry if I was harsh, but I like your musical idea, so I'm just trying to help you as best I can. PM me if you don't understand anything or need some help.

Good luck!