Published June 7, 2008
I don’t know how to explain it,
but it’s my job so I’ll try,
I’ll try to tell you what it’s like
when I do my thing; when I fly.
It’s like choirboy’s face alight
singing Pie Jesu to heaven up above.
The moment of peace in a battle zone
like a blinding white spring dove.
This is the blood right through me,
although it’s invisible to even you,
deep down, my heart can see,
see what makes the world's lies true.
Who cares about great metaphors?
Or even rhyming from now on?
Who says art isn’t free, so
I’ll write this like a song!
I’ll dance those words from deep inside
and with every thought I’ll jump.
I’ll jump and then I’m flying,
like a note caught on a breeze.
It’s like your dancing but crying
Crying so you can be at ease.
It puts me back together,
even when it tears me right apart!
It’s not something you can use to hate
Or even learn, because it’s an art!
No, it’s more than that, much more.
It’s the music of my heart.
It’s the language of my soul.
It breaks me into pieces,
so it can make me whole.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Hello, and great poem by the way. Jabber pretty much said it all so what I have to say is that I like it and I'm pretty sure everyone else who viewed it did too. So that's pretty much it.
-Max
Hi again! Wow – Jabber has pretty much said everything there is to say.
See you around!
From the moment I saw the title I knew what this was about – writing! The idea is good, I just think you could have made this more passionate considering that writing is your passion. At least I think so – otherwise you wouldn't be here, right?
To me, the longer stanzas in the middle were a little distracting for there were only four lines in the others. I would also have pointed out a few of the things Jabber did, but seeing she already did it, I won't bother. Haha.
The last stanza is my favourite one, too. It's simple, easy-going and well-flowing but still the main point is there. This poem wasn't my favourite by you, but it wasn't bad by far.
Demeter xx
Hello, Eimear! Sorry it took me a moment to get to this; I had a prior commitment, but we're all good now. Let's get this show on the roll!
Grammar and First Impressions
Rhyming scheme: ABCB
The first two lines is a sentence on their own, and we do not connect sentences with just a comma. Use a colon to signify you are about to tell them what you're trying to explain, or use a period to end the sentence and continue on with the next.
Rhyming scheme: ABCB
Note the comma after alight.
I suggest putting Pie Jesu in italics, seeing as it's a title of a song.
I don't know what to do with the last two lines punctuation-wise. It's not correct grammatically -- it lacks a verb. I'd insert an is before like, but I don't want to suddenly break the flow or anything.
Rhyming scheme: ABAB We're changing the rhyming scheme, eh?
I recommend a period rather than a comma at the end of the second line. In reality, this entire verse was a run-on sentence, and readers don't like run-ons.
Rhyming scheme: ABCB Back to normal. ^^
You could put so into the next line, but the question mark must go there. It's still a question, and it deserves correct punctuation. ^^
Rhyming scheme: ABCDCD Why are we changing the rhyming scheme?
Note the comma at the end of the first line.
Note the comma after thought in the second line. I also suggest changing the period there to a dash because you seem to be branching off that idea into the next line.
Note the comma after jump. This goes to a rule with FANBOYS [For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So]. You have independent clauses on either side of and, so it gets a comma. ^^ I also suggested deleting the comma at the end because like is just not that special.
I suggested the dash in the fifth line for the same reason in the second line. You're branching off that sentence, so a dash is appropriate for that summary.
Rhyming scheme: ABCBD We're changing it again?
Take out the comma at the end of the first line because it is unneeded. ^^
Delete right in the second line 'cause it distracts from the flow.
Take out the comma in the fourth line because because does not get a comma in front of it like FANBOYS do.
I suggest a dash in the fifth line because much more is a summary of what was additional information added dramatically. ^_^
Rhyming scheme: ABCB Ah, back to normal. ^^
This was probably my favorite stanza. It's very simple and summarizes the entire poem. ^^
Overall
Poems don't have to have a constant rhyming scheme -- I am aware. It threw me off, though. You set me to a steady rhythm in the beginning, and then it broke. I'd say keep it consistent or not at all, but I don't know the proper rules when it comes to poetry.
I like how the last stanza ends with the answer to the first stanza. They're tied together -- lovely! However, I don't much understand the point to the stuff in the middle. It sounds like you went off on a tangent to distract the reader as you think of the answer. Maybe that was on purpose? I felt like I didn't care -- I wanted the answer!
This was very good, though. Keep in mind that grammar/punctuation is important in poetry as well. If it helps, write out the sentences before making the line breaks to check you wrote the sentence correctly.
Sorry I couldn't be of too much help. If you have any questions, comments, complaints, requests, etc., PM me! I'd be more than happy to help!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!