Published July 16, 2008
Tonight my life takes it’s last sigh
over the clear skies, where the clouds are high.
Where birds soar over the golden glen,
I let the breeze cool my face, and remember them.
You don’t know how much it aches
to say goodbye to the sandy lakes.
To bid farewell to the rushing river
to lean against our tree, and feel it shiver.
For I know that everything is the last time
and I just can’t seem to get peace of mind.
Because I’m leaving tonight, for a distant land.
And though I’m breaking you apart, understand.
The northern wind doesn’t blow behind me,
In the way others can be here, and feel free.
I can’t skulk beneath the barely at night,
and endure one more call from the hills to fight.
I can’t grip a gun and sing for Ireland’s call,
shoulder to shoulder, it doesn’t matter, I can’t stand tall.
My Father and my brothers will never open their eyes,
they’d rather see me dead than listen to my freedom cries.
So I’ll ask you in this letter I love you, don’t you know?
Love me so leave me and watch me go.
I’ll ask you to forget me and to please understand
If you love me dear, you’ll let go of my hand.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
i like how you manage your transitions. also these two stanzas are my favorite. your language that you use is extremely elegant and also you manage to keep with the rhyme scheme throughout the whole piece without making it seem tired or forced. i also like the way you're able to cover this topic and the voice you use to do so. overall this is an awesome piece.
Edited for flow.
[spoiler]Tonight my life takes it’s last sigh
over the clear skies, [s]where the[/s] and clouds so high.
Where birds soar over the golden glens,
I let the breeze cool my face, and remember them.
You don’t know how much it aches
to say goodbye to the sandy lakes.
To bid farewell to the rushing river
to lean against our tree, and feel it's shiver.
For I know that everything's the last time
and I just can’t seem to get peace of mind.
Because I’m leaving [s]tonight,[/s] for a distant land.
And though I’m breaking you apart, please understand.
The northern wind doesn’t blow behind me,
In the way others can be here, and feel free. This line makes no sense.
I can’t skulk beneath the barely barley?at night,
and endure one more call from the hills to fight.
I can’t grip a gun and [[s]sing for[/s] heed Ireland’s call,
shoulder to shoulder, [s]it doesn’t matter,[/s] I can’t stand tall.
My Father and my brothers will never open their eyes,
they’d rather see me dead than listen to my freedom cries.
So I’ll ask you in this letter I love you, don’t you know?
Love mecomma so leave me and watch me go.
I’ll ask you to forget me and to please understand
If you love me dear, you’ll let go of my hand.[/spoiler]
Relatively speaking, the rhyming was pulled off nicely, but not well enough to make it seamless. The first, third, and fourth stanzas have parts that could be reworked for the better. Your message is interesting, but weighed down by wordyness and contradiction. More later.
EDIT: Or not, I guess. I dunno what I was going to say...