Published May 10, 2009
Make it mine
all that you hold and see
for those things you own
always belonged to me.
The night you were born
even though I was still a babe
And two months older, I was your keeper.
I heard your bald cry
In those first notes of yours-
sang I.
Give me those irises of pigmented green
give them to me, along with your lips.
those fat red petals that emerge as a blush,
those dark long lashes, soft and lush
and your dancing feet,
bare in the grass.
give me your heart
I won’t break it like glass.
Make it mine, what you are
and I’ll give you the earth
for I belonged to you from the very first blink
that night
of your sweet birth.
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141,453 Literary Works • 674,465 Reviews
There is very good poetic description here but it gets to be a little too much at times. I think that it takes away from the emotion of the poem. I like the last stanza. Throughout the beginning of the poem you talk about how the subject belongs to you but the last two lines say how you belong to the subject as well. Overall I'd say it was an okay piece.
Hey, Eim!
Let me start off by saying that I love this line. It has a great rythm.
I like how this bit ends, but, it seems out of place. You come into the poem with, "Make it mine" which is short. It stops up te rest of these lines for a bit. You have good lines here, just, the beginning lines is too short for the following lines. I suggest making the first line bigger. Maybe add a "Be" between "Make it" and Mine" = "Make it be mine".
Shouldn't "Babe" be "Baby"? Okay, the second line of this quote moves time really fast with no imagery. This is a prime area to introduce some lovely imagery. Use the sun or moon to describe time going by. When you describe two months going by, it makes the poem better. It seems you go between two people here, the mother and baby. Or it seems that way to me. Make that a bit clearer. When you say, "I heard your bald cry" it seems just ehh. Use some strong words here. Although this word works, there might be some better ones. How about "Infantile", "Dry", Innocent", or "Pure". These words are a little stronger. I'm not saying all poems have to be strong, but, I think a stronger word would better fit. I think you should change, "Sang I" to "I sang". This isn't the type of poem to use inverse. (At Least I don't think so.)
Another favorite line! Lovely!
This line seems forced. I recommend changing it. Or, just make it not rhyme with the above lines.
Wonderful ending, Eim!
Overall: I liked it. I admit, it wasn't my favorite by you, but it was good. It needs to be polished, though!
Good luck! I can';t wait to see what you change with it!
---Jon---