Eimear wrote:Do you want to know the worst thing
about beating through a broken heart? - Great first line
It’s not the torment of bitter sunshine,
stinging winds and rising tides--
It’s not being able to remember, - Don’t think there should be a comma here
how it was before. Before loss - Not sure about line break here
came, and stole from you what you loved.
But when you take a look
closer, before the night
your treasure escaped from you
behind a thickly veiled
curtain, flitting just outside - I was confused by 'thickly veiled curtain'. What do you mean by it? I was just generally wondering, because I see a veil and curtain as something similar.
a frozen glass window,
you will see that it is
forever present; slowly
falling like a penny down an empty well.
It’s only when it hits you the most,
do you finally hear the hollow ‘clink!’ - Really liked this image
Because loss is all around,
whether it be in the slow fading
of stars when morning comes,
friends drifting apart, or
a brother taken without a reason. - good examples
Loss is there, impossible to go away. - I don’t think ‘go away’ is right here. 'Impossible to…’ sounds like it would introduce something like ‘banish’, something you can do to get rid of loss. ‘Go away’ would be something loss would have to do itself.
Loss greedily gets its fix of hurt everyday.
Yet to truly lose, and still
feel like the slipping sand
will still hold your feet, - Did you repeat 'still' for emphasis?
for just another moment ; - Would a comma not be better here?
Is when one gains a life worth living.
To lose, and still believe that you’ve won,
Is an art within itself.
General comments:
I really liked this piece. I liked how it talked about such a truth – that death or any loss can fool us into believing everything was better before, when in fact we have probably dealt with the same situation in miniature a hundred times before. The topic of loss was a good choice. You put a different angle on it by talking about the time before one stops to ever think about loss. I loved the conclusion.
I actually felt, reading this, like I was reading prose. I don’t know how to expand on this comment, it was just my impression.
My favourite lines were:
... it is
forever present; slowly
falling like a penny down an empty well.
It’s only when it hits you the most,
do you finally hear the hollow ‘clink!’
Because loss is all around,
whether it be in the slow fading
of stars when morning comes,
To sum up, I really liked this. There were only a couple of unclear lines or punctuation points I've asked about. It was realistic - it makes you feel both the reality of loss in everyday life but also hope. Basically, for me, it was a much better way of saying that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
A great poem.
Points: 890
Reviews: 140
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