Young Writers Society

First off, I really really like the way you started this, with the vague question as the first line ^_^ From the first stanza on, I wanted to read this more as if it were a very angry heavy metal song, but that got more and more difficult towards the end. Try for more forceful word choices. this happened in the first stanza with phrases like "pain of amour" and "dead ends" and even the "falling" of falling in love. However, in the second stanza, there seems like more of a playful tone, with "love's disguise" and the mention of stars. Make these words and phrases work for you: love's disguise shouldn't be a good thing, but it's difficult to read it that way in context.

Also, take a look at the rhyme scheme because it becomes more and more forced as it progresses. In the first stanza, I didn't even notice it was rhyming. I was thinking more about the rhythm (which is awesome, by the way ^_^). I like the rhyme scheme of the first stanza, which is ABCDDA, so it doesn't hit you over the head with rhymes; this might be why the rest of the poem (in the form AABBCCDDEEFF etc.) sounds more forced. Consistency can immediately streamline almost anything.

This is an interesting topic to write about; just remember to stay focused!

i see a trend in a lot of your work. a lot of it is about love. but that is besides the point. onto the critique:

1) a lot of this didn't even make sense. like "i'll kill it and all it's friends" huh?*_*

2) i noticed that at some points you are rhyming and others you aren't. when you do rhyme it is at random points and it is very messy with the rhyming.

3) all together i think that this poem just needs to be cleaned up. i like the idea you have going, but just fix it up. right now it just sounds like the ramblings of someone who hates love. make it sound like a poem.

hope this helps if you have any questions please pm me

happy writing

-sport