Published July 14, 2008
N.B.
In 1896 the Irish musician Percy French wrote a poem called the Mountains of Morne about the tallest Mountains in Northern Ireland in the seaside town of Newcastle where I live. This poem has been
influenced by minor elements of it, except it features an area in the mountains of outstanding natural beauty called 'The Silent Valley'. Sorry for boring you, it just might clear some queries up!
In my dreams late at night,
I hear her talking to me.
‘London town may be grand,
but it’s here you should be’
So I rise, still asleep
twilight following me.
And I go down a-wandering
In the silent valley.
Oh the dew-jewelled heaven,
It’s a captivating sight.
With the air and the mountains
singing lullabies to the night.
And the lake, oh the lake!
playing games with the sky
It’s waters as clear and as blue,
as a fisherman’s eye.
A walker far away,
Is he coming to-or from me?
Two hands raise a salute,
and together were free.
Oh, Percy French,
You’ve got nothing on me.
For I live where the dark Mornes
sweep down to the sea.
And I pray in thanks,
for the beauty it’s so lonely.
And I know I’m a poet,
for the silent valley.
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Hey Eimear!
I liked the way you went back to the older phrasings with this. As you say, you took inspiration from another poem and obviously you wanted to recall that style of poetry, which you achieved beautifully.
Some of the punctuation was inconsistent in places. Be consistent and then readers will understand you if you suddenly decide to bung in an unorthodox capital, for instance. One or two images were perhaps a bit pretentious but maybe that goes with working in an archaic style. They were interesting but didn't really excite me deep down. What this poem needs, I think, is more layers of meaning. Suzanne's piece "Hit and Run" is an excellent example of two ideas that mesh seamlessly to form a compelling whole. That sort of elevated, nuanced greatness is what you (and I!) should be aiming for.
A workmanlike piece and I applaud your efforts as such.
Well done!
8/10
Hi Eimear!
Firstly, full stop at the end! Secondly, I think this is quite a weak introduction. Especially, there are too uses of the boring old verb 'to be' on the last line. In my opinion, I would scrap the entire line since the rest is quite effective, can you not think of a way to incorporate it, but maybe bring out some of the reasons why too? Maybe mention the great scenery and if you can do that in just a few syllables, it would certainly boost the strength of the piece.
The second line is pretty weak, I'm sure there is a more active verb to use. Also, you use 'me' in the rhyming couplet for the previous stanza and I'm not sure it rhymes very well with 'valley'.
This is a great verse, but I would remove the 'the' in the last line, it helps the flow of the poem.
This would be better as:
"And the lake--oh the lake!
Playing games with the sky;
it's waters as clear and as blue
as a fisherman's eye."
Not a bad verse actually
The ending was superb and I found the poem getting far more effective towards the end of the poem, great. However in my opinion, the idea was there but it wasn't pulled off quite well enough--some of the lines has a lot of filler syllables, where one effective word could quite easily fill the rest. Nice flow, not much more to say!
there wasn't much of a flow to this piece, which is a shame because your wording and imagery is beautiful.
that's probably one of the only problems i found.
that and the fact that your last stanza didn't really rhyme.
lonely/valley? seriously?
anyway, this was alright overall, but the wording was amazing.
good job.
keep it up!
-GC10
Hmm...
I like the poem itself. Your wording is wonderful, so I really like that.
My only suggestion would be to work on the flow. I had some trouble reading it, because it didn't seem to have much a rhythm to it.
Good job!
Merry Writing!
~Bella~