Young Writers Society

And I have a question. Your poem's tone is to purposely spell color like "colour," right?
If so, I'm not sure if this is a typo or you purposely left it to be "smoulder," but smolder has no 'u' in it.

Summerless, that's British spelling. ^_~ Color and smolder are Americanizations. So any time you see the Us or other words (Pretence, in this poem, for instance) keep in mind of where the author could be from! For example, Eimear is from Ireland.

First off that was a beautiful poem. I love the title. I chose to read this poem because, one, I saw it in the Featured Works thing in the front page of YWS before mine, and two, the title just made me want to read it.

The only thing that irks me is this part of the first stanza.

his memory, and springtime draining into the past.

I think you should either omit the comma or change it to

his memory, and springtime, draining into the past.

Lovely word choice too. Whilst, pretence, bronzed, grieved, etc.

And I have a question. Your poem's tone is to purposely spell color like "colour," right?
If so, I'm not sure if this is a typo or you purposely left it to be "smoulder," but smolder has no 'u' in it.

Overall I enjoyed reading your poem.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
- Summerless <3~

I am not sure what to start with, so, to make things simple, I will start with the first stanza and go on. ^_^

In my dusty recollections…

This is an odd way to begin. It seems beautiful at first, but I am not quite sure. If anything, I have less of a problem with this than I do with other areas of the poem.

The gust of the cherry petals showered their last.
And he stood beneath the tree like a grinning fool,
his memory, and springtime draining into the past.
That bronzed face laughing as the mist grew cool.

Your first sentence makes no sense. Look at it. Does it make sense? The gust of the cherry petals -- cherry petals have gusts? The wind does. But cherry petals do not. Showered is an odd word choice, and in the end of it all I am confused. I suppose you were trying to make an image, but it is made up of strange diction and bizarre verb usage. The following sentence is a wreck as well, grammatically, although it isn't as confusing. With "laughing" you move into the present tense, when you were in the past tense before.

Evenings spent there after school,
whilst the mist grew colder,
Talking, of all things about destiny,
He said ‘A man’s born to soar, and I’m worth three’

I suppose "there" is under the tree. I didn't see that until my second read.

Friendship, it seems, always burns to a smoulder,
And yet ours dared to burn when dark nights drew,
Because his need for a shadow was like my need for him too,
For the hopeful boy, with teeth that smiled like he knew

Everything about what is true.

Personally, I hate this break of sentence at the end. It confused me. Your random rhyming also upsets me. Occasionally, rhyming without a pattern can be gotten away with. Here, it just seems chaotic and too planned, perhaps. I can't really say anything of this stanza overall; I'll speak at the end. The break of the line, though, is bothersome. Line breaks are important. Use them wisely. And perhaps you did, but it still left me confused.

Everything about what is true.
He was the colours, and I was in need of painting.
Arguments were only fights if he lost his cue.
The nostalgia stills the childhood heartbeat so close to fainting.

One thing I particularly do not like in this poem is your use of statements instead of showing, instead of letting the reader feel. Here is where it stands out most. Rather than allowing me to feel with you, and giving me an experience, you make statements about someone and expect me to believe them. It leaves much to be desired, as a reader who wants to feel.

His words, like life itself [comma] never made [s]much[/s] sense.
Yet when the days grew to battle we dropped all pretence.
Our world would stretch farther than evenings in haze,
His words of a marriage made me dizzy; we danced in a daze.

Again you are relying heavily on statements. I cut the word much because it isn't needed. Poetry is the shortest and highest form of literature. (Flash fiction is also short, but poetry is much more admirable.) Every word must be the perfect word, and any word that does not contribute to your poem or does not lead your reader to what you are trying to make them feel, think, or believe should be removed.

And when he left to soar, but fell so hard,
Into his khaki and his grave and his Mother’s grievance card.
I knew that those cherry petals fell for the life that could be.
Irony was having his well earned joke on me.

The first sentence doesn't make any sense. Read it over, it's missing a verb. It's the end of a phrase, because of the "And", and it has no life in it. You may also want to consider not starting sentences with "and". It may feel right when you are writing it, but I've found that sentence where one wants to begin with "and" are always more powerful without the word. Write it, if you must, but then cut it later. I like your personification of Irony, but I think it was too sudden, not given enough life. Again, it was just a statement. There was no real poetic passion behind the line, so I feel.

And still, in those spring nights, he loved me.
‘A man’s born to soar, and I’m worth three.’
If God let him dream, then why not break him free?

The rhyme here grates my ears. It feels too planned, rather than flowing as it should, and natural. Leave it, if you want. I also do not understand the line "I'm worth three." How is he worth three? You should explain this.

Overall, I don't like this much. You have hints of imagery, and ideas that could become beautiful, but as I said it is more statement than poetry. You need to figure out what you want your reader to feel, and perhaps you already know what, but you need to grasp it tight and force it on them. You're telling us a story, but make us live the story as well. I think it is much too long, and in some places I am lost rather than entertained. It could be slimmed, things could be said better, you could use more poetics in it. More than anything though, make it make more sense. Don't just tell to your reader--show them.

I hope this helped. If you have any questions or need help with something I mentioned, feel free to pm me.