Published April 5, 2008
Why can't you just,
open your mind and see?
See with those glazed eyes,
that you're suffocating me?
I wish you would,
because you're messing with my head.
I hate to say this,
but find someone else instead.
A person who isn't mildly flattered,
and thoroughly annoyed.
A kindred soul unlike me
to fill your gaping void.
I need us to be friends again,
before this all began.
For you to peel your fingers away-
Please, I know you can.
I don't know why you chose me,
But If you love me, you'll see.
It's time to leave me be.
It's time to leave me be.
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Oh wow, I love the last stanza! It sounds powerful because you repeated "I need you to leave me be" twice.
One thing, though.
I'd take out both of the commas (highlighted in red) because they aren't needed. Oh, and extra points for the word "glazed." It fits the tone of the poem and I think it's a great descriptive word.
Hope this helps :]
- Summerless
I liked this.
Very strong.
Keep writing!
Same old, same old. Yes I said it. This poem so typical. You use nothing orginal it's all about 'me'. You tell us all, never showing, never letting us see, just telling it all. Kenpachi kinda right the rhyming seems off and forced.
This poem is typical navel gazing, poor me, teen angst. All tell no show. You have a ton of langauge techniques. Give us the image, give us the anger. Don't tell, show it. Use metaphors, similes or anything else.]
Really with the repetition of the end it makes this seem more like lyrics. Overall: My only advice is to turn this into a song. Rewrite it to, make it more show. Maybe read more poems on here.
Your main issue is this has been done, you need to give it an original slant. Or it'll be another run of the mill teen angst poems.
Good luck
VSN
Very good poem from the other side of love. This deserves a gold star!
that makes so much sense to me it is not even funny, i thought it was very good.
To what Kenpachi Masamune said, it looked like she was rhyming with the 2nd and 4th rhyme, just using near rhymes.
I really like this. You made the rhyming flow greatly. I don't really like the first two lines...they just sound a little weird to me. But other than that it was a really great.
Good job
-Linds
Overall this poem was not bad.
However there were also many minor things that just ruined it for me.
For example, the repetition of the last line I thought was a horrible idea. It gave me a sense disgust. This poem to me, did not have a proper ending.You need to change that. You need to make me shocked and apalled but still sum up the poem with the last line.
This just didn't do the job for me.
A word I disliked that you used here was glazed. It got me strongly off topic. You were using it to describe the look in this man's eyes. However, I got a more sense of hunger and food and more emotions associated with the way the man feels, not the woman who wants him to leave. And you are writing from the woman's point of view so that is not very helpful to you. It ruined that entire section for me. Do you see what I mean? They way one word can ruin it all?
Your rhymes were faitly OK but I felt that your title didn't really go with your story so much. It did but I expected something completely different from that title and I did not recieve what I had been anticipating and that always leaves me feel rather untasteful.
I don't know what advice to give you on this line but something about it just does not sound right, "For you to peel your fingers away-
Please, I know you can."
So anyways, there's my feedback. Take it or leave it.
6/10
Hey guys, thanks for such quick feedback. In reponse to one comment...does "annoyed" and "void" not rhyme? And "began" and "can" for that matter?
*ponders
This is amazing. I really liked how you protrayed a broken hearted person loving someone, but at the same time, want them out of your life. You can fell the pain and emotion in this poem. I liked it. Good rythem and good rhyming. Keep up the excellent work!
-Rick.
Why can't you just,
open your mind and see?
See with those glazed eyes,
that you're suffocating me? (rhyming with see. Fine for now.)
I wish you would,
because you're messing with my head.
I hate to say this,
but find someone else instead. (Another rhyming bit. Expecting it to continue)
A person who isn't mildly flattered,
and thoroughly annoyed.
A kindred soul unlike me
to fill your gaping void. (does not rhyme, breaks above form...)
I need us to be friends again,
before this all began.
For you to peel your fingers away-
Please, I know you can. (does not rhyme...but you do it below?)
I don't know why you chose me,
But If you love me, you'll see.
It's time to leave me be. (back on last line rhyming?)
While I get your poem, some of it starts a pattern, drifts off it and then back on the for final line. I didn't get this. It seems at if you had initially wrote it to rhyme, but then you don't follow through with it in the end. If you value structure and flow, you can try to fix that up.
I REALLY liked it! it shows the other side of the relationship. I never thought about it that way before!