The moment from hell has happened,
The bite was worse than the bark.
Practice didn't make perfect,
And you've fallen short of the mark.
So what do you want me to say,
To give up, and never try again?
We both know that's not your style,
That the prize isnt worth the pain.
I can't promise you gold and stars,
Laughs and happiness.
But I can try to be there for you,
When the masterpeice is looking a mess.
So when life's best bet,
Has ran a tormented course,
Look on my bright side,
And get back on that horse.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This was great! Very optimistic and hopeful. My favorite part of it was that you used and played off of well known phrases such as "the bark is worse than the bite," "practice makes perfect," and get back on the horse. Most people would be hesitant to use those in a poem, but it was how you used them that was perfect!
Good job!
I really liked this one. I too, felt the rhymes where not too forced and that you used very descriptive words that could paint a picture in our minds, which is very good. I also liked the fact that it can indeed relate to about anyone who reads it. It is a very inspiring, and uplifting piece. Well done.
I agree with Crawfy about the "not every line having to be used with capital letter." I think other then that, it was very good. Good Job!
Josh
Hey Eimear!
Just a quick thing first--remember that not every line needs a capital letter, just a new sentence, proper noun etc
Onto the crit:
Alright, great first stanza, just a nit-pick here:
This is very weak. I find the passive voice 'was' quite tiring and slow. Here is an opportunity to explain why it was worse, i.e. if it was worse because it hurt you: "The bite struck worse than the bark". Bad, terrible example I know.
I have no troubles with the rest, it seemed very nice. However, I reckon a bit imagery where it currently stands weakly would boost your descriptions and the fluidity. However, on the most part, great job!
Amazing! I definitley felt what you meant and the description was fantastic! =]
Hi, E! I just got a feeling I'd like to read your poems right now, and here I am.
This stanza is great, and that's good, because it's the first one. I like the references to well-known sayings, and they still feel like your own.
Don't you think that "what do you want me to do" would fit better? I do.
You forgot the apostrophe in "isnt".
If you added "and" or "or" in the beginning of the second line, the stanza would flow better, I think. The last line is a little too long comparing to other ones, and I think it's "masterpiece".
I don't think the comma is needed here.
These are my nit-picks for today, but if you don't count them, I liked this poem really much. The meaning is important, you can't give up. I love how you brought that up via a poem. Good job.
See you around,
Demeter xx
I liked the discripitve words you used.
I'm a sucker for great vocaulary.
I liked the message you were sending. Like Andrea said, it's something people relate to.
Great job. Keep writing!
~Rachael
I really liked this. I felt it was something a lot of people could connect to whether they are the ones telling someone not to give up or they are the one's who needed to hear it. Did you write this for somebody else or for yourself? Also, normally I wouldn't like reading a bunch of cliches, but in this case I think they really work because you are using them in a different way.
I really liked it... haha maybe it's because i am one of the people who can relate :] nice job!