Published February 13, 2008
N.B This poem is about two birds, please let me know what you think.
I stood and watched them with my eyes,
Swimming splashlessly in the skies.
Two of them, on a journey bound,
Communicating without a sound.
One was big, the other small,
One rose in the sky, its friend into a fall.
The bigger rowing faster away,
Ignorant its companion was astray.
Two no longer, each one on its own,
Fate used the mist it had sown.
Their journeys an adventure no more,
I watched all this and my heart was sore.
Then out of nowhere I saw the smaller rise,
Out of the ashes and to my surprise.
It bounded up to its friend and did a twist,
Together again, and I clenched my fist.
Still I watched them fly and wiped a tear,
Unaware my friend was near.
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That was awesome. It was cute yet dark...like an cookie with arsenic filling. The flow was beautiful, except for a couple parts here:
"Communicating" is a bit too long for the rhyme scheame, I think. And also here:
I think this stanza would flow better if you added another syllable in the last line, for example you could write "I stood and watched them with my eyes,
Swimming splashlessly across the skies"
But overall it was a sweet poem with an edge. Love love loved it.
Hey there. ^^
Now, I quite like this, it has flow and it's rather cute. The meaning is clear and sweet and I think you've done nicely with the description.
"Ignorant its companion was astray."
Needs a comma after "ignorant"
The one real issue I find is the rhyme. Now, I'm not a huge fan of rhyme to begin with, bu I've noticed that the best uses are when you hardly realise it rhymed, you know? But this was clear as a bell. Perhaps it was a little too much? I'm unsure about that because your structure allows for the coupled rhyme. Perhaps if you arranged the structure so that it was a four line or ever three line one and had inspersed rhyme there?
It's just a suggestion, and a tentative one at that, because I'm not sure how it would work out. Have a look at it, and if you don't agree you can ignore me. ^^
I still like the idea though, and it was rather nice. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This was excellent. I wrote a poem about a bird also, but i like yours better. Maybe you should read mines and see what you think. It's called The Cage.